Self-pity parties - managing them?

[frugal-one]

[QUOTE=Tammy;371444]I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.

It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.

All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.[/,
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Unconditional positive regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. I don’t agree with this at all nor is it realistic.

[Yppej]

I am definitely having more of these self-pitying moments due to the pandemic. We used to just be able to walk into the office but now it's locked to keep customers out. It's in the 20's and I'm knocking on the door but no one can answer, everyone is on the phone or went to help at the counter because this being a holiday week we're short staffed. So I have to go in through the store though that's not my zone because I can't get into the building and I will be late. I have to go to my car to get another mask since the one I wear at work is in my desk. I get it and I'm trying to put it on but I'm wearing gloves and I can't get it, it keeps slipping off. Meanwhile I am juggling that with double water bottles from home because the water cooler is outside my zone, my lunch box, and my purse. It's a struggle just to get in the door.

And I do think of all the people sitting in their warm houses, working from home, or retired, or collecting more in unemployment than they did working, maybe wearing a mask one hour a week to go shopping, and judging me.

[ApatheticNoMore]

They judge you for being a troll.

[JaneV2.0]

I do pretty well avoiding pity parties. When I go there, I just remind myself I've got a working brain, both sides of my body function (or don't) in the same way, I have adequate money and a roof over my head, and I'm relatively safe from COVID. I don't mind spending a year at home, and it looks like the future will be brighter fairly soon.. Also, wallowing in self-pity would accomplish nothing save making me feel lousy.

[Tammy]

[QUOTE=frugal-one;371465]

I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.

It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.

All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.[/,
————————-

Unconditional positive regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. I don’t agree with this at all nor is it realistic.

You don’t have to agree, obviously. But this concept is the bedrock of psychology for the bulk of the second half of the 20th century. So that’s a pretty big statement you’ve just made.

[ewomack]

I think many people put on a convincing happy face for others. I've noticed that some people seem to have a stigma about not seeming endlessly happy around other people. This can make others feel guilty about feeling lousy once in a while, since we tend to compare ourselves with others, but these comparisons often leave a lot out. When I catch myself comparing my life with others, I try to stop immediately and tell myself that we all go down different paths. We all had advantages and disadvantages based on our individual circumstances and I can only have the cards that I was dealt and the other people have only the cards that they were dealt. I'm not a "failure" because of my situation, but I had to navigate the path that I was put on, which wasn't completely of my choosing. I've always liked how Arthur Miller characterized psychoanalysis when he was once asked how his ex-wife Marilyn Monroe reacted to it. He said something along the lines of "they treat suffering as if it's some kind of a mistake, but suffering is something we should grow and develop from." We shouldn't be ashamed at having moments of self-pity. As long as we don't wallow in them, I think they're pretty normal for just about everyone.

[frugal-one]

[QUOTE=Tammy;371472]

You don’t have to agree, obviously. But this concept is the bedrock of psychology for the bulk of the second half of the 20th century. So that’s a pretty big statement you’ve just made.

What is the saying? " Judge a person not by what they say but what they do?" You are saying support anyone regardless. In other words, be a doormat.

[iris lilies]

[QUOTE=frugal-one;371507]

What is the saying? " Judge a person not by what they say but what they do?" You are saying support anyone regardless. In other words, be a doormat.

I don’t think that’s the intended interpretation. Holding someone in regard is more of an of an attitude, a mindset. It doesn’t talk about one’s actions in dealing with that other person.

On the other hand, obviously someone who has acted in despicable ways will not earn my regard.

For people we newly meet or people we know only through media, a general attitude of goodwill and regard for their positive intentions is good for our own mental health and good for the world. If/when the other person proves to be untrustworthy, dishonest, etc. – that’s when we lose our high regard.

One of my friends seems to be moved to declare “ I like that person! I don’t like that person!” Much sooner than I had formed an opinion about those people. I just didn’t feel it necessary to form an opinion about another person on a casual basis since the general attitude of “positive regard” worked in all situations in these casual relationships.

[catherine]

I've been stepping up my walking routine and to cut the boredom (the one bad thing about where I live is you have to drive to interesting walking paths) I listen to podcasts.. my DD turned me on to Ram Dass podcasts, which in general, are very, very good. He's a U.S. Northeastern Jew-turned-psychologist/guru, so it doesn't take a lot to relate to him--he has a very approachable way of speaking and educating.

He was saying that other day that people are all different, but through his spiritual practice, when he looks at anyone, including his clients, he is one with them. I think that's what Tammy is saying. Relating to people requires looking at them with respect, regard, and with an acknowledgement that we are all one.

[frugal-one]

I've been stepping up my walking routine and to cut the boredom (the one bad thing about where I live is you have to drive to interesting walking paths) I listen to podcasts.. my DD turned me on to Ram Dass podcasts, which in general, are very, very good. He's a U.S. Northeastern Jew-turned-psychologist/guru, so it doesn't take a lot to relate to him--he has a very approachable way of speaking and educating.

He was saying that other day that people are all different, but through his spiritual practice, when he looks at anyone, including his clients, he is one with them. I think that's what Tammy is saying. Relating to people requires looking at them with respect, regard, and with an acknowledgement that we are all one.

The definition of unconditional positive regard is different than what you are saying IMO.