Using the stuff you have saved

[Tybee]

So over the years, I have bought things and saved them for later to use. This includes two sets of silverware that I really like, a collected set of Dansk Fjord with the wood handles, and a Jensen set that I bought because I have admired Jensen over the years and I treated myself.

I have not incorporated these as everyday silverware because my husband cooks all the time, and my husband abuses my cookware. He will grab whatever is near and use it and mess it up. So I have been afraid to use my nice silverware as everyday because he will inevitably do something like stir a pot of chocolate sauce with it, or spoon out dog food for the dog, or leave it dirty for me on the counter.

If he took good care of my things, I would not mind. But he doesn't , and when I tell him not to use my things, he gets angry and hurt. But he takes good care of his things--just not my things. So it's really a s***** character trait and disrepectful--if it's mine, he can ruin it. If it's a Kobenstyle pot, he can leave it all dirty and stained and not care.

I buy them as usable art and I hate that he disrespects that.

So the stuff sits neatly taking up space and not getting used. And I'm angry, because we need a second set of everything that he can destroy. It is like living with a toddler, and I'm fed up.

I am noticing this because I am unpacking boxes, and I want to lighten the load, but I don't want to sell my treasured things, I want to use them.

I fantasize about living on my own sometimes.

[razz]

This is really about other issues not silverware. With the kindest intention, you are going to spend a lot of time with this individual, I would try and find a counselling session to address them. This is not about a failure in a marriage but about building/restoring a good foundation with all the changes in your lives. I wish DH and I had done so earlier. The first effort I made to do this ended poorly as the counsellor was not the right one for marriage issues. She followed an obvious plot line and made decisions which, to me, violated her role and responsibility. DH thought she was a fool that could be manipulated easily so no confidence from either of us. Marriage counselling is very different as you know, I am sure.

What I found is that I had to get myself at peace and self-governed by researching books about love languages, power and control. First, I needed to see this dear wonderful very intelligent man as the good, kind thoughtful person that he really was and focus on that rather than the aggravations. I tried to walk in his shoes and see his view of things. That helped more than anything else. People do reflect your mental view of them. I didn't own the problems in the marriage but I did own my thinking and reactions. It is worth the investment to try.

[Tybee]

This is really about other issues not silverware. With the kindest intention, you are going to spend a lot of time with this individual, I would try and find a counselling session to address them. This is not about a failure in a marriage but about building/restoring a good foundation with all the changes in your lives. I wish DH and I had done so earlier. The first effort I made to do this ended poorly as the counsellor was not the right one for marriage issues. She followed an obvious plot line and made decisions which, to me, violated her role and responsibility. DH thought she was a fool that could be manipulated easily so no confidence from either of us. Marriage counselling is very different as you know, I am sure.

What I found is that I had to get myself at peace and self-governed by researching books about love languages, power and control. First, I needed to see this dear wonderful very intelligent man as the good, kind thoughtful person that he really was and focus on that rather than the aggravations. I tried to walk in his shoes and see his view of things. That helped more than anything else. People do reflect your mental view of them. I didn't own the problems in the marriage but I did own my thinking and reactions. It is worth the investment to try.

Thanks, this is very good advice. We are having a very difficult time now and are in the midst of it with way too much family drama wrecking our peace. I'd like to take back our own lives.

I did buy a bamboo silverware organizer for the Dansk, though, and at least now it is out in my sideboard, usable, and not in a box...

[Teacher Terry]

I was on city data reading what wives had to say about their husbands in their older years. Many descriptions included much more angry outbursts, road rage and in general just much harder to live with. These were men that previously had been easy going. I guess it’s a myth that men turn more mellow. When my husband would go see his son for 2 weeks at first I would like it and then would miss him. It will be interesting to see how it feels when on my own. I will report back).

I know that the downside is having someone to spontaneously go out with but I have went out to movies and lunch by myself. Also I will have lost my vacation partner but really only wanted to go back to Europe once more and my kids will go with me. I intend to keep cruising alone. I have dragged husbands to therapy numerous times but never has lasting change occurred. Sorry you are having difficulties. I am very excited about living alone and not one bit sad. It’s probably why most older women don’t remarry after their husbands die.

[pinkytoe]

I fantasize about living on my own sometimes.

I think the 24-7 life of Covid isolation has exposed those of us with partners to each other's warts in all their facets. DH's personality has changed over the past year and he has become a real challenge to be around. Too much internet and looking for his tribe. I know I am equally vexing to him Luckily, we are pretty respectful of each other's possessions and don't have family drama except for his mother who demands multiple phone calls at the exact same time every week or she comes unglued. I was always a bit envious of two older women I knew in the recent past. One a long-time widow and another, a divorcee. Neither remarried and they seemed very content with their solo lives. Travel, get togethers with friends, interesting careers, etc. There is an article in our local paper about three retired women here who sold all their possessions, bought an RV and have spent their days traveling and exploring. Has me dreaming anyway of other lives.

[Teacher Terry]

Pinky toe, you are right that this virus has definitely made everything harder. People are spending so much time together without having relief. Plus not seeing friends has added to the misery.

[SteveinMN]

In our kitchen, there are two towels; one for drying hands and mopping counters and another reserved for drying utensils and cutting boards and the like (stuff that touches food). So I use the "clean" towel for drying the "good" knives (they happen to be mine from before marriage fwiw). Sometimes the towel snags on the edge of a knife (or something else) and the towel gets a little hole. C'est la vie. What I didn't know was that DW liked to put the fancy towels in that spot.

So, from her perspective, the good towels were slowly being destroyed. From my perspective, the towel is there; I'm going to use it (I own very little "shelf royalty"; if I have it, it's gonna get used, not just stared at and I'm okay with the "patina" that creates). Once we communicated about that, things were fine. If I have to dry a knife, I either will be much more careful with her good towel or I will find another way to dry it. And DW understands that, while I take care of all our stuff, I'm not much on pure decoration and I'm okay if it doesn't look perfect after a while. For us, it was all about assumptions and communication.

[iris lilies]

In my condo I will be using my “fine China “and sterling silverware for every day. I don’t anticipate that DH will harm it. It will all have to be hand washed tho. I am ok with that because we hand wash dishes at Hermann all the time and it’s just not a big deal.

[iris lilies]

This discussion just drives home the fact that DH and I have the perfect situation. We have two houses that are habitable and a third one coming along. Having a country house and a city house where we are not joined at the hip, and where we pend time independently has been good for our marriage.

Just yesterday I had a Zoom meeting with flower show ladies and they were lamenting, like you all, the restrictions of Covid.I said I really don’t mind Covid lockdown, I find this life to be peaceful and enjoyable without having to run around everywhere.

[GeorgeParker]

If he took good care of my things, I would not mind. But he doesn't , and when I tell him not to use my things, he gets angry and hurt. But he takes good care of his things--just not my things....I buy them as usable art and I hate that he disrespects that.

Men are from Mars, etc...

Speaking from my own male perspective, I see pots, pans, plates, silverware, and similar objects as utilitarian tools that are intended to be used on a daily basis, not revered as art objects or handled with kid gloves. Chances are your DH is the same way. If the way he uses something wouldn't damage an industrial version of that object, you wanting him to treat it with reverence like a work of art will baffle him.

Also, you say he "takes good care of his things" but consider for a moment whether you're talking about the same kind of things. Are you thinking about the way he treats his cooking utensils vs yours? Or the way he treats his hobby equipment vs the way he treats all cooking utensils? If it's his pots vs your pots, you have a problem. But if it's his whatever vs all cooking utensils, that's just the attitude he has toward cooking utensils, not his stuff vs your stuff.

Also using something and leaving it dirty for someone else to clean is inconsiderate, but is it really damaging the object, or just being an inconsiderate slob?

What I'm getting at, is that it pays to look at these situations more thoughtfully and define exactly what it is that you're objecting to and why, and then to use that knowledge to negotiate with the other person about setting some basic ground rules as to which items can be used under what circumstances and which can't.

If you're not able to do that, you and DH are probably arguing about power, dominance, and cooperation. You just think you're arguing about cookware.

But all of the above is from my own male perspective, without actually knowing either of you, so YMMV.