I Hate My House (Long)

[SteveinMN]

Good on ya, Yppej. I know you've put a lot of energy into accommodating your son's illness, but, at this point, his irrational behavior is endangering both of you (ceiling and other things) and your financial future (by not letting you fix up the home for sale while the market is good). You've given him his choices; if he does not like them, he can plan, with his counselor, to move someplace anyplace and attempt to live independently. He's in for a rude awakening if he believes anyone else will accommodate his mental illness as much as you have. It's tough, but you can't take care of him in all situations for all time.

[Tybee]

And some day you'll be gone, and not there to care for him anymore, so this is just part of the regular mom planning, I think. He has to be able to function without you, that's just what moms have to do.

[Teacher Terry]

Ypejji, you have been a really good mom but you got trapped in the insanity of trying to accommodate your son’s disability. When my drug addicted son was in his 20’s I was also trapped in insanity until my partner pointed it out. It’s a slippery slope. I am glad you are taking charge of your life.

[rosarugosa]

I am going to proceed with home repairs. He also said in his note that he releases me from all obligations to try to accommodate his anxiety or OCD because my actions show I don't care and he told me "You win". So he feels he lost. With this "release" in mind I left him a note that the weekend after this one I will start taking down the ceiling that is caving in. That gives him over a week to move his things. Previously he objected to this because it would get debris on his things. I also let him know I washed some curtains and can drape them over his things if he does not want to move them. So he has two options. Leaving the ceiling in a dangerous condition is not one of them.

That sounds like a good plan, and you are still being considerate of him and his needs, whether he sees it or not.

[Yppej]

The EAP told me the counseling would be tele due to the distance, then said the provider changed his mind and only wants to do in person sessions. I asked them to look in some adjacent states that are closer to where I work or live. They have tried 20 people so far. Demand greatly outstrips supply.

[Yppej]

To make room for the shed a planter would need to come down. I removed the back of it and it will need a backhoe. So when I finish with the ceiling project I may tackle that, hiring someone. Although there are no underground lines near it I would rather not attempt it myself with a rented Kubota.

[iris lilies]

To make room for the shed a planter would need to come down. I removed the back of it and it will need a backhoe. So when I finish with the ceiling project I may tackle that, hiring someone. Although there are no underground lines near it I would rather not attempt it myself with a rented Kubota.

What is the status of your son finding his own place?

[Yppej]

What is the status of your son finding his own place?

He has not said anything to me. I am proceeding with my life largely as if he is not here. I leave him notes of what will be done but do not ask for permission. He has not responded to any of them. The one exception is I am not using the shower curtain because he bought it.

[iris lilies]

He has not said anything to me. I am proceeding with my life largely as if he is not here. I leave him notes of what will be done but do not ask for permission. He has not responded to any of them. The one exception is I am not using the shower curtain because he bought it.

that is progress.

I suspect this is a temporary lull in the storm and he will get mad and exhibit overbearing behavior again. But in his favor he does visit visit a therapist so that is something, that he’s addressing his illness.

The lull is nice for the moment, but that is not enough for the long run.

You said in another thread you never thought you’d lose your relationship with him. I’m going to float the idea that you actually did know that the minute you drew a boundary and held to it he would stomp off.That is why you acquiesced to his unreasonable requests for so long. You knew he would dump you.

So enjoy the moments of peacefulness now. There will be more issues that will cause a ruckus. For me, there would be absolutely no buckets of urine and feces sitting around. That is not tenable. There would be no piles of his crap any place in my house other than his own room. That is not tenable. There would be no more dictating of how and when I take out the garbage, how the blinds are set, and there would be no more limits to how many times and when I can use my own bathroom. And etc.

Eventually he needs to go out into the world where he will have a very miserable time but he has a miserable time even at your house. He simply is going to be unhappy, that is what’s going on with his illness.

[Yppej]

that is progress.

I suspect this is a temporary lull in the storm and he will get mad and exhibit overbearing behavior again. But in his favor he does visit visit a therapist so that is something that he’s addressing his illness.

The lull is nice for the moment, but that is not enough for the long run.


You said in another thread you never thought you’d lose your relationship with him. I’m going to flood an idea that you actually did know that the minute you drew a boundary and held to it he would stomp off.That is why you acquiesced to his unreasonable request for so long.

In his final note he wrote that I don't need to accommodate him anymore because I don't care and have to have my own way. He said, "I give up. You win."

So I do not anticipate him being overbearing.