I Hate My House (Long)

[Yppej]

There are many cultures in which multi-generational living is the norm. Do people there only reach full adulthood when the oldest generation dies?

[iris lilies]

I also think yppey’s son should be exploring ways to move out. It may not be easy, and there may be false starts. Yppej can always serve as his soft place to land if those starts don’t last.

[JaneV2.0]

It's not the norm here, but with housing costs rising faster than wages can match, it could be. If you're both all right with it, it's your business. My neighbor's "kid" was about 10 when I moved in. He's still there, thirty-some years later.

[rosarugosa]

There are many cultures in which multi-generational living is the norm. Do people there only reach full adulthood when the oldest generation dies?

I can only speak with any degree of insight about our own culture.

[Tybee]

There are many cultures in which multi-generational living is the norm. Do people there only reach full adulthood when the oldest generation dies?

That's a great question, one for the anthropologists, I guess. If he's happy and you're happy and you are both able to achieve in life what you want to achieve, then by all means multi-generational living.

I saw my uncle living with my grandmother for the last 30 years of his life and he was terribly unhappy, but he had mental illness and there was not much help in those days, and he became an alcoholic, and was a bitter, unhappy man. But he had had a psychotic break living on his own in his 30's.

[iris lilies]

That's a great question, one for the anthropologists, I guess. If he's happy and you're happy and you are both able to achieve in life what you want to achieve, then by all means multi-generational living.

I saw my uncle living with my grandmother for the last 30 years of his life and he was terribly unhappy, but he had mental illness and there was not much help in those days, and he became an alcoholic, and was a bitter, unhappy man. But he had had a psychotic break living on his own in his 30's.

Oh I think it’s perfectly fine for generations to live together. Sure why not? Jeppy isn’t happy with the arrangement though and neither is her son.

I think it would be a good idea for him to get out in the world and negotiate some real life situations with a landlord. Living in a rental situation probably would not be as easy as living with mom. I can think of all kinds of potential situations he would run into that will be problematic.

[happystuff]

There are many cultures in which multi-generational living is the norm. Do people there only reach full adulthood when the oldest generation dies?

South Korea is one such culture, but the family members are not staying together enabling each other, rather the grown children have friends, social lives, get married, get jobs, etc. The parents have the expectation that their children will become responsible, independent adults whether they remain at home or not. Some younger people these days are moving out on their own - again, many due to their jobs.

Edited to add: this is based on the South Koreans that I know personally and with whom I have had conversations about this specific topic.

[Yppej]

Now that I have got a new car (iteration #2 is fine so far) I want to get back to the house. I have the Massachusetts holiday Patriots Day off and wanted to get something done that day.

DS shot down the following ideas because he is not ready or he does not want the neighbors to see me doing it and think he is a slacker:

Furnace cleaner in, electrician in, start disassembling the caving in ceiling myself, cut down a tree, remove boards around a structure that needs a backhoe to remove it.

So I made an appointment to go visit a kitchen showroom, so not on the property, and he still objects because it is an expensive thing to do and what if the furnace dies or something, what if any of the repair people he's not ready for yet find unexpected things that need repair, etc. But I am going anyways. I want to get things done!

All I want replaced are cabinets and countertops and possibly add a second sink for him. I am happy with the appliances, sink, flooring, ceiling, etc. Have any of you hired someone to do this type of renovation? How did you find the process? What did you pay? How long did it take?

I don't think I could do this myself. It would involve removing, measuring an opening for, and putting back in a sink and disposal among other things. And I lack the strength to hang cabinets up high on a wall.

[iris lilies]

See, here is an inconvenient truth:

your house, your rules.

Define the boundaries. He is crossing any reasonable set of boundaries on the daily.

As an aside, be prepared dor horrific sticker shock from”kitchen showrooms.” But that is the least of your problems here.

[catherine]

All I want replaced are cabinets and countertops and possibly add a second sink for him. I am happy with the appliances, sink, flooring, ceiling, etc. Have any of you hired someone to do this type of renovation? How did you find the process? What did you pay? How long did it take?

I don't think I could do this myself. It would involve removing, measuring an opening for, and putting back in a sink and disposal among other things. And I lack the strength to hang cabinets up high on a wall.

Case #1: I did a kitchen re-face once. I had doors and drawer fronts removed and replaced, and I also asked them to remove a set of very unfunctional drawers and turn it into a pull-out garbage thing, and I replaced the old-fashioned 70s harvest gold wall oven/counter cooktop with a regular range, and I had them turn the former place where the wall oven was into a pantry with slidable shelves. Also replaced the countertops

It took 4 days once the materials were in and cost $9000.

Case #2 (MILs/BILs house): Removed/replaced all the cabinetry, and the appliances and the counters and laid new flooring. Took a couple of weeks--we hired handymen--two of them worked on it. We got bids from bigger guys: HomeDepot (where we got the cabinets) and a general contractor but we went with the little guy who was cheapest by far. I think it was $16,000 in total (without the flooring).