I Hate My House (Long)

[rosarugosa]

I'm sorry, Jeppy. That doesn't sound like any way to live. I do think that making reasonable updates and repairs to your home are reasonable expenditures, and it makes sense to do these while you are still working. Unfortunately, I have no useful suggestions related to your son's issues in preventing these things from being done.

[JaneV2.0]

Yes--my unprofessional opinion is that your son needs to learn to live independently or to agree to some kind of group living situation. I'm with those who counsel you to keep pushing for help. That's no way to live.

[Teacher Terry]

It’s time to think about what will happen when you are no longer here. It would be better for him to face hard choices now while he is younger than when much older. I wouldn’t live like that. He is controlling your life and making you miserable.

[SteveinMN]

It’s time to think about what will happen when you are no longer here. It would be better for him to face hard choices now while he is younger than when much older.

This.

In fact, my first thought on reading the original post was that it seemed it would be a better use of home improvement money to spend it on counseling for DS, even if sessions had to be paid for out of pocket. DS has some serious issues.

The house has some issues, too, but people without DS's behaviors would accept choices that remedied many of those problems. Based on what Yppej wrote, though, she wouldn't be able to sell the house in its present condition here in Minnesota to anyone but the "ugly house people", at whatever price they thought they could get away with, because it would never pass a code inspection and qualify for financing with an ordinary buyer.

[iris lilies]

This.

In fact, my first thought on reading the original post was that it seemed it would be a better use of home improvement money to spend it on counseling for DS, even if sessions had to be paid for out of pocket. DS has some serious issues.

The house has some issues, too, but people without DS's behaviors would accept choices that remedied many of those problems. Based on what Yppej wrote, though, she wouldn't be able to sell the house in its present condition here in Minnesota to anyone but the "ugly house people", at whatever price they thought they could get away with, because it would never pass a code inspection and qualify for financing with an ordinary buyer.

I am sure the son has been to counseling. Jeppy cant make him do anything. Of course she could sell the house in this market (granted I do not know her local market but real estate is booming in general.)


to me, this is key: She said “ His illness rules supreme.”

That is the key here, nothing else matters as much.

Jeppy needs to get professional help to excricate herself from this situation.

[Yppej]

DS receives counseling and is on medication, though I do not know to what extent he is forthcoming with the counselor and psychiatrist or compliant with the meds. Pre-covid they had him going for regular blood tests to make sure he was on his meds.

He did agree to take care of being present for the furnace cleaning due soon, which he has done in the past, though usually after a couple months delay as it takes him a long time to clean up his mess before letting anyone in the house.

I have addressed various code issues over the years, including the furnace venting downwards instead of up, replaced a leaky oil tank, and have been proactive with roof repairs, etc. But last year I did not do anything as I wanted to save for the day when my car dies. It has over 120,000 miles now. So this year I want to get back to the house. At its age there is always something going wrong. I do what I can myself, including extensive landscaping and painting inside and out, and have in the past paid for insulation, all new steel exterior doors, replaced about half the windows, about a quarter of the flooring, installed a garbage disposal, new tub liner, gutters, a bathroom exhaust fan, etc. I don't want to live in a dump.

[iris lilies]

You know, I just skim read the first post and wondered to myself why son is t using a porta potty set up. Then I carefully read to the end and see, oh yeah—there it is. So he is doing that, at least. It makes a certain kind of sense.
but he has to EMPTY the urine and feces containers.

That is part of the boundaries jeppy needs to set.no emptying, no live with her.

[Simplemind]

Teacher Terry beat me to it. It is time to make plans for him to be independent from you and you from him. This is a loving choice although he is not going to see it that way for awhile. You can sell that house. You can find housing for him. You can get a nice small affordable place for yourself. Look into county services that cover this situation. I know where I am it would be Adult and Aging Services. You are in crisis, he is in crisis. Do the loving and responsible thing for both of you.

[iris lilies]

I’m curious to know what authority allows anyone to take his blood to test for medication.That is interesting. He must have voluntarily agreed to it?

[Yppej]

Yes, he agreed to the blood tests. It is not an easy illness and he does make some efforts. Sometimes we get along great but more often things are tense. The ups and downs come from bipolar which he has in addition to the anxiety disorders.