I Hate My House (Long)

[Teacher Terry]

I knew someone that was trapped in a similar situation with a adult daughter that was schizophrenic. She had suicide attempts and was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. Eventually the mom moved into her own small apartment and the daughter was forced to move into low income housing. The mentally ill daughter ended up doing better when she was forced to rise to the occasion. Studies have shown that this isn’t a unusual outcome. I have had to make hard choices with my drug addict son to protect myself. It might help to join a support group of parents with similar problems.

[Yppej]

Today another recurring issue. He is concerned that the sound of the trash and recycling barrels being wheeled to the curb will disturb the neighbors so he lifts and carries them. A couple weeks ago he was asleep and so I wheeled them out and he got very upset and said I should have woken him up to do it. Last week he was awake but complained I had used the bathroom when he needed to wash his hands after taking the barrels out. Today I want upstairs to ask does he want to take the barrels out before I use the bathroom and he kept saying to leave him alone. I just can't win.

He doesn't want them put out the night before because people looking for aluminum cans come and paw through the trash.

[Tybee]

He is mentally ill, obviously, as you know. I think you have shown that and there is no reasoning it out or making him better by you, and no living in this situation or adapting yourself to it.

I think you have to get help to change the situation--either get him living in a sheltered living situation or sell your house and move yourself somewhere without him.

So at this point it doesn't matter what he does, you know it is unbearable living with the mental illness, and you need to save yourself first.

[Teacher Terry]

There are programs for severely mentally ill people that provide independent living support such as the PACT or ACT programs. You will have to sell your house to a company that buys houses. Get into therapy and support groups first and then either buy a condo or rent a apartment. Likely once he doesn’t live with you he will qualify for more support and programs. You are delaying the inevitable and I would save myself. I know it’s so difficult because my son has been homeless for years. I hated when he lived here because if we went downtown we would see him on the street. A good friend of mine had to do tough love before me and at the time I thought it was cruel. It wasn’t and I eventually followed suit. Her son had severe ADHD, plus a substance abuse problem.

Another good friend of mine has a daughter my age like your son. She got sick of being homeless and now is in a good living situation with her own small place in a big building. You aren’t alone and many parents have to either ruin their own lives just to delay the inevitable. I know we have had differences but I really can feel your pain. You are trying to make things better which is the definition of insanity. I have been where you are trying to save my son. In the end you can only save yourself.

[rosarugosa]

I think TT has excellent relevant advice from both personal and professional experience. I would just add that even though your son thinks this is what he wants, it doesn't exactly sound like his quality of life is very high. Maybe not the best analogy, but there was a time where I would have said take anything but my cigarettes, and it turns out that I am SO much happier, and my quality of life is SO much better without them.

[Yppej]

The last time I asked him to leave - when he was 18 and very rude and disrespectful which he is not now - I got major grief from my family. My mother said, "Where is your mother love?" as an example, and my parents took him in for a year until he returned home with me after being hospitalized.

It does not help that one of my brothers lives off his wife while for over a decade he is trying to write a book, gave up on that, now trying to write a play. Before that he worked part-time with no benefits. My other brother has lived with my parents for at least that long, well before they were so old they needed help, and used to at least cover his own food but no longer even does that while he pursues being an artist. So he does not have good role models.

[Simplemind]

Mother love is getting help by way of accepting that mother can't fix an unfixable problem. Mother love is putting her oxygen mask on first so she can be clear headed and stable to help her son in his independence. Always love how family judges the caregiver is best even when they are obviously sitting in a flaming dumpster. I feel so badly for both you and your son. He is obviously leading a small and miserable life and is helpless to do anything but pull you down with him as long as you live together.

[iris lilies]

Mother love is getting help by way of accepting that mother can't fix an unfixable problem. Mother love is putting her oxygen mask on first so she can be clear headed and stable to help her son in his independence. Always love how family judges the caregiver is best even when they are obviously sitting in a flaming dumpster. I feel so badly for both you and your son. He is obviously leading a small and miserable life and is helpless to do anything but pull you down with him as long as you live together.

yes.And of course you want to help your son and of course you HAVE already helped your son. And some of that help has turned into a miserable spiral of enabling behavior.

That’s why I suggested up thread that the OP will need outside help to get out of the situation. By outside help I mean some counseling, some professional sources to point out for her son, probably some group therapy with Parents of mentally ill children, and some Real estate professional help.

Jeppy, please start to take the steps to make something new happen in your life.


And I will say that beware of any counselor who makes you feel guilty for taking the steps.


On the Mr. Money Mustache site is someone who is claiming her therapist has encouraged her to “help” i.e.. enable her mentally ill hoarder mother who squats in a falling-down house she neither owns nor rents, living with no water service for years.

You will probably feel Guild along the path of this journey which is why you need outside help, a clear voice to help you see beyond that.

[Teacher Terry]

So your parents have 2 sons that they enable and they judged you. Wow that’s awful. When they die the one brother is going to have a rude awakening as is the other if his wife gets sick of him being a free loader. You won’t have family support so definitely will need outside support. In your situation I would be very tempted to sell the house and move across the country. Don’t let your parents guilt you into being as sick as they are.

[SteveinMN]

The last time I asked him to leave - when he was 18 and very rude and disrespectful which he is not now - I got major grief from my family. My mother said, "Where is your mother love?" as an example, and my parents took him in for a year until he returned home with me after being hospitalized.

Seems to me that's a very easy thing to say when they don't have to deal with the variable set of behaviors your son constantly presents -- and your comments about your siblings down thread put it in an even greater perspective. Maybe your family would be happy to take your son in for a few months so you can prep the house for the best possible sale.

I haven't had the experience of having a very mentally lll adult child in my care, but I have had to deal with irrational behavior from another close family member and the only way out of it was... out. I was enabling the behavior and I had to stop as it wasn't helping either of us in the long run. I'm happy to say things are much better now, but it took a lot of deep thought and sessions with a counselor before I finally felt okay with ripping off the bandage. That can be scary in itself. It's easier to do that with support from a third party who can see the situation for what it is, not the enmeshed circumstances you find yourself in. I'm sorry you have to go through this, Yppej. I hope you can find a way out, too.