I remember my mother always saying, "I don't want to be a burden on anyone. When I get old put me in a nice assisted living facility. I don't want to be like my mother living alone unsafely." (My grandma had ministrokes and would fall and it would be hours before her sister who lived next door would come to check on her and find her.)
Now mom acknowledges she is losing her mind "like my mother did" but says as long as she can still recognize my dad she wants to go on as is, and if she gets to the point where she doesn't know him she wants to die. No mention of any other living options. She is on Eliquis to try to prevent the strokes, but it would not surprise me if she has had some - unexplained fainting or weakness episodes etc.
I think she is already a danger to herself. She could not remember why she doesn't eat gluten so had some and it made her sick. She has had celiac disease for something like 20 years. A facility would know her allergens and control her diet.
After this episode I called my brother who lives with/off my parents. He did not answer so I left him a message about my concerns, including that she sometimes goes walking by herself and what if she can't remember how to get home. He never called me back. The situation works for him. She also goes driving sometimes by herself. She refuses to let me go for groceries or anything for her. Going shopping is recreation for her. My brother refuses to get a driver's license, so she "has to" get the food for him as well as herself and my dad, though usually dad helps her with that. I got them a freezer so they don't have to go out so often with covid but she says she "has to" in order to get fresh salad greens because my brother likes them.
She also mentioned recently which she never has before if my father dies before she does she will take out a reverse mortgage so she can afford to keep living in the house. I don't know if my brother is encouraging this idea or not. A neighbor of hers got such a mortgage.
Is this the way it is with everyone, that their younger promises to go gracefully into dependent living situations disappear when the need actually arises?