If anybody cares.

so after I realized I was looking in the wrong place for help and just annoying you people, some things changed. Corona virus helped.

I accepted that I am not as good a person as I think I should be.
For example: I quit the food bank because the political/religious environment became unbearable. Also I realized I was investing a lot of energy reducing the service burden on people who were going to put some of their energy into creating a world I don’t want to live in - like giving someone a ride to the polls when you know they are going to vote against your candidate - noble, and in service to an ideal (democracy) you believe in, but ultimately stupid. If the person is a perfectly nice person who you generally get along with and you both believe that everyone should vote - it is still stupid.

corollary - geography is not community. Trying to get involved in things near me just raises my stress level - the more I know my neighbors, the less I like them. I realized during corona that the higher the fatality rate in my immediate geographic location, the more likely my immediate geographic location will become a less hostile place for me to live - and my neighbors don’t want me to save them, they find my efforts annoying, so ok, live and let die. (Again, not a good person. Actually ok with that.)

I am not a misanthrope - I have found ways to increase my support of people who are trying to row the boat in the direction I want to go. They don’t live near me. I don’t want to move. Which is fine, because I also realized:

I am much more of an introvert than I even realized. Dh is now home all the time. I no longer interact with strangers at all. I don’t even interact with the guy who has sold me feed for over a decade beyond calling in my order and then calling to literally say “I’m here.” (I have realized that the inside of the feed store was a hostile environment for me.) Dh tries to make safe outdoor plans with friends every six weeks or so - I feel ambivalent about them.

I get plenty of human interaction from Dh and my kids in town (seen socially distant every month or so, but talked to often) and my students. I have just enough contact with my coworkers - my job no longer involves conferences and open houses. The administration is too overwhelmed to bother me. I also get to spend entire days with my grandchild. I miss my out of town kids and my parents, but video calls make it ok.

Dh took over grocery shopping(curbside) and cooking (because he was bored). the fitness center closed and I stopped exercising. I have gained weight and lost muscle mass, but I’m happier because I have all that time back.

Since we never have company, I have been able to leave ongoing projects out in the guest rooms and pick at them for months without having to scoop them up and start over - so there has been slow but steady progress without stress. I also don’t worry about people (particularly some of Dh relatives) judging (out loud) my housekeeping. I enjoy never seeing them, but Dh loves them, so that won’t last. Also, I have more free time without company and activities with friends.

other things were beyond my control - I actually increased my teaching hours, but I have far fewer high need students this year. I also have an aide to facilitate the online students who helps me with classroom set up and clean up. Two people in my life whom I love have had their lives improve such that I can now be there for them as much as they want without me being exhausted and sad. I have a grandchild who brings me great joy. Errands no longer involve getting out of my car.

I am spending more time on my garden and farm (manual labor now provides ALL of my exercise) and sorting through and rearranging all that stuff people kept telling me to just throw out. - wandering through memories, imagining possibilities - This makes me happy. Many of the ridiculous space eating things I saved are now being used by my grandchild and that is fun to see and my child is grateful for the help to her budget. (Opportunities to safely buy second hand being scarce these days - free is even more helpful.)

i don’t know how much of this I will be able to keep control of once the pandemic ends, but I have learned a lot. “In an insane world, the sane are insane” and apparently the current insanity of the world is a balm to my mental health.

sorry, this is long but actually the short version. Basically, I did need help, but I apologize for asking for it here. The thread “good advice is only good if you take it” helped me realize the advice is only good if it helps you. Everybody kept trying to give me good advice, and I kept making them angry by rejecting it because it wasn’t good for me. Like me trying to keep my neighbors safe from covid. They’re happier if I don’t, and they don’t want to be safe, they want to be happy.