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Thread: Mom is moving to assisted living next week, it can't come soon enough

  1. #11
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Wow..All these stories of elderly parents and the critical need for advanced care is scaring me a little. I actually started looking on sites for long-term care insurance. $10k+? At the same time, is LTC insurance worth it? I think back to my own elders:

    1. Dad died young and suddenly
    2. Mom died in assisted living--a Medicaid place, but it was actually run pretty well and she had friends there she liked.
    3. Paternal grandmother--died at 78 suddenly.
    4. Paternal grandfather--had enough money for 24 hour home care
    5. Maternal grandmother--died in a Medicaid nursing home with severe dementia--the place was OK
    6. Paternal grandfather--died at 65 suddenly.
    7. My three paternal aunts all lived wth family when they became unable to live on their own, specifically, their children.
    8. My maternal great-aunt was fully functioning, lived in her own place, and called 911 for herself the night she died at age 92.

    Sorry for this self-indulgent bunny trail off of herbgeek's thread, but I would love to be able to look into a crystal ball and see what level of care DH and I will require as we advance into old(er) age so we can plan accordingly and save our kids some angst.

    herb geek, so glad things are progressing for your mom--soon you'll be able to rest easy!
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  2. #12
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    Wow..All these stories of elderly parents and the critical need for advanced care is scaring me a little. I actually started looking on sites for long-term care insurance. $10k+? At the same time, is LTC insurance worth it? I think back to my own elders:

    1. Dad died young and suddenly
    2. Mom died in assisted living--a Medicaid place, but it was actually run pretty well and she had friends there she liked.
    3. Paternal grandmother--died at 78 suddenly.
    4. Paternal grandfather--had enough money for 24 hour home care
    5. Maternal grandmother--died in a Medicaid nursing home with severe dementia--the place was OK
    6. Paternal grandfather--died at 65 suddenly.
    7. My three paternal aunts all lived wth family when they became unable to live on their own, specifically, their children.
    8. My maternal great-aunt was fully functioning, lived in her own place, and called 911 for herself the night she died at age 92.

    Sorry for this self-indulgent bunny trail off of herbgeek's thread, but I would love to be able to look into a crystal ball and see what level of care DH and I will require as we advance into old(er) age so we can plan accordingly and save our kids some angst.

    herb geek, so glad things are progressing for your mom--soon you'll be able to rest easy!
    you are past the age where LTC insurance would be practical. Besides, the big heads of finance are no longer recommending it.

    It worked well for my mother’s generation, will not work for us.

    The kids will have angst no matter what, but $$$ will provide options that relieve ( but not eliminate) their stress.

    Money is always about buying options.

  3. #13
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    My mother does not know how to turn her TV off. It was on when I called her last night so she went to another room so she could hear me. My brother has to do it for her.

    Neither she nor my father know how to turn on the radio on the car they have had for a year now, and she doesn't know how to run the heating and cooling controls on it, though he has learned. But the worst part of the accident that totaled their old car is that she is still dealing with billing issues as two insurance companies and Medicare battle out who should pay how much for what or try to stick her with the bills. The other driver was at fault. She declined my advice to get an attorney and took a small settlement before all the bills were in, and which in no way compensated her for the pain of bruised ribs and a broken vertebrae in her back.

    Anything the least bit out of the ordinary is so hard for her.
    Well, I did relate here about how I, an aging Boomer, couldn’t figure out the radio on my 2017 model car. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. How was I supposed to know that nanny government was saving me from myself by ensuring that I couldn’t chnage channels when the car was moving over 5 miles an hour?

    The level of stupidity on these new models boggles my mind.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    Yes i am figuring on about $100,000 annually for my nursing home costs. At the moment it is not thatbhigh here in the midwest, but it will be that high when my time comes.
    I have less than $100,000 in retirement savings. These figures are not for the faint of heart.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    Good luck, herbgeek.

  6. #16
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    The facility has dealt with similar situations as your mother's, Herbgeek, so, with time, will develop a routine that your mother will be comfortable doing. Wishing you and your sister the peace of mind from knowing your mother is safe and cared for after all your efforts to provide for the best possible situation for her .
    As Cicero said, Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Your post so brings me back to my dad. We had the exact observations. He couldn't run the microwave, he would forget to turn the stove off. The clocks weren't being wound. All the little executive functions that begin to slip away. We were painting after my mom died because she was a smoker. The house was already in somewhat of a bit of chaos with paintings off the wall and furniture moved. We moved him and he somehow though that it was because there had been a house fire and things were being repaired. My brother had taken him to his house for the night and I got his new apartment set up as much like home as possible and we moved him in. He was content and eventually stopped asking when the work would be done. He never asked to go back to the house to look at it. He was easy..... my mom (thank God she died at home) would have been hell on wheels. She already was difficult even in her happy place.

  8. #18
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    Catherine, it does not hurt to start looking around to see where you might want to go in the future, although I think you are pretty well situated for right now, as you have already downsized and have a sustainable, manageable lifestyle with supportive neighbors and kids. I think this place looks nice:

    https://livingwellgroup.org/location...llenresidence/

    I have toured several places now in two states, and it does not hurt to go on a tour, and you will find some places that you like and some you don't, and you will say, hey, I could live here, or no way could I live here.

    I would pick a place that would do self-pay then convert to Medicaid when your money is gone--all 3 of the places where my parents were are like that.

    I strongly think you are going to be like your great aunt and be at home for the duration, but obviously, one never knows. I am hoping to die with my boots on (literally, maybe thrown from a horse?) and call it a day.

    But once we decide where we are living, I'll do the tours and find a place I like and tell my kids that's where I want to go if I need to, so they will have the comfort of knowing I picked it out.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Both my dad and uncle were cared for at home by their wives until a week before dying. My mom was home at 89 until a week before she died and my aunt at 96 just moved herself to assisted living. I am not worrying about it.

  10. #20
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    Herbgeek,

    I hope the new living arrangement for your mother enables her to make new friends and keep the old. (One is silver, and the other is gold.)



    Sidney Carter (1915-2004) a British song-writer who died of Alzheimer's, wrote his own epitaph:

    Coming and going by the dance, I see
    That what I am not is a part of me.
    Dancing is all that I can ever trust,
    The dance is all I am, the rest is dust.
    I will believe my bones and live by what
    Will go on dancing when my bones are not.

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