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Thread: Mom is moving to assisted living next week, it can't come soon enough

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post


    Anything the least bit out of the ordinary is so hard for her.
    It must be hard for you and your brother to bear witness to her (and your father's) decline. Many of us have been where you are and look on with sympathy.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simone View Post
    It must be hard for you and your brother to bear witness to her (and your father's) decline. Many of us have been where you are and look on with sympathy.
    Thank you Simone. I appreciate the sympathy.

  3. #23
    Senior Member pony mom's Avatar
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    I'm glad to hear she's moving before she's too far gone. I work at an assisted living facility and so many times the children are in denial or have no idea just how bad their parent is. A few have been in the regular section for a week or so, only to be moved to the memory care part right away. Unfortunately our memory care wing is more of a nursing home and a most of the residents there would be better someplace else. It makes it more difficult for the few residents that are physically healthy but need more attention for the mental issues.

    My place has a few residents who sort of look after the newbies, accompany them to meals and answer any questions they have until they get used to the routine and settle in. Life there is only as good as they make it to be. One resident has never been down for a meal in a year and is rarely out of her bed. Some just go to meals and hurry back to be alone in their room. Some eat their meal, and then are back a few minutes later because they forgot they just ate.

    It never gets dull. At least with Covid restrictions lifted in most places you can visit regularly.

  4. #24
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I'd be one of the ones who "go to meals and hurry back to be alone in their room." Or more likely, I'd pay extra for room service...

    Solitude is not a punishment for some of us.

  5. #25
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    I think I would be more on the answer questions and help newbies get settled in.
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi
    Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. HH Dalai Lama
    In a world where you can be anything - be kind. Unknown

  6. #26
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    So an update:

    She went in on Tuesday, kicking and screaming the whole way. It took the staff until 3:30 in the afternoon to calm her down. Then my nephew showed up to visit and it all started again. The staff recommends you don't visit for the first two weeks to allow for the resident to get acclimated, and even though I see the point, it was too hard for us to do that. Particularly how she has life long issues about being abandoned.

    My sister got pictures all week, showing Mom in various activities. She's been doing everything. There is even another woman from Germany there, that they sit Mom with at meals who also does all the activities. So you'd think its all good. Nope. Mom has been a victim her whole life, and always focused on the one thing she couldn't have instead of the 99 things she does have. We picked her up for the day yesterday so she could attend her great grand daughter's 4th bday party (and also to be reassured she is still part of the family).

    It didn't go well at first, she's screaming at us what horrible people we are to have put her away like that, that we must think she is garbage etc etc. Sister and I both told her that if she's going to be like that, we aren't going to be taking her out. She kept at it until we got to my nephew's house and got to see kids playing. She was ok most of the rest of the day, occasionally bursting into tears. When the party was winding down, Mom was begging to sleep in a corner of my nephew's basement because she didn't want to go back to that place. We finally got her settled in her apartment, and she's chasing us down the hallway for one more hug. It was heart wrenching. Mom is asking when will I see you again, so my sister made plans for today to settle her -not sure that was so smart, but that will be on her to deal with Mom.

    I really do feel bad over her distress. It is disorienting to be in a new place. I hope it eases over time as she becomes more familiar. I am happy with the place, and glad she is participating (even if she doesn't ever remember) and eating well. I'm glad she has people around if she gets lonely or confused. The staff mostly seem really nice and enjoy being around old people.

  7. #27
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Glad that this is resolved. May I suggest that the staff, having seen this scene repeated many times over, are giving you good advice. She won't remember if you and family have been there an hour ago, a week ago or longer. She needs to learn the rhythm of the facility and all the support that is there every day making her feel secure.

    This has been very traumatic for you and family to work through. Is there any way that you can receive the counselling support that you need now?
    Why do I say this? When DH was going through the diagnosis and chemo and radiation with the understanding that he had possibly 3 years to live, he observed that while he had support from all, there was nothing available for me or the family. I just kept going, transporting him to treatments and trying to figure out so much stuff in the present and the future. It is very painful and few friends can help who have not experienced something similar. I felt relief when he finally passed on his terms and at peace but felt such guilt at the same time. Deal with the emotional stress ASAP please. Your mother is fine so your guilt and commitments need to be realistic for today's circumstances not the past.
    I haven't shared this before but I believe that you need to have it said because I wish someone had said it to me.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  8. #28
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    Thanks for the update, herbgeek. It sounds like your mother is in a nice place and I hope she is able to adjust quickly. I agree with razz that you (and other family members) might benefit from some counseling.

    razz, thank you for sharing such personal experiences.

    Continued prayers to all.
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi
    Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. HH Dalai Lama
    In a world where you can be anything - be kind. Unknown

  9. #29
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    +1 to what razz said. There's almost always plenty of help available for the person in the figurative wheelchair, but very rarely does anyone offer help to the person pushing that wheelchair. Support and, sometimes, a helping hand or shoulder, make a huge difference in a caregiver's life. herbgeek, thanks for the update. I'm sorry this transition has been so hard on your family.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  10. #30
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    I am so glad she got there. I bet it will get better--it did each time we moved Mom--she is on her third facility, and she has done really well now in memory care. Not so great in assisted living, but that was the fault of those who put her there instead of memory care.

    I have heard that about staying away, too, for the first couple of weeks, but at this last place, they wanted us there as much as possible. So I guess thinking on that varies. She was just alone without visitors for the past two weeks because they were on Covid quarantine again, but she seemed fine when I saw her for the first time after that.

    If the people are nice and caring and there is enough staff, it is amazing how happy residents can be, as their needs are met in a stress-free environment. You have done the right thing, and it is hard not to feel bad. Really hard. But you have done the best thing for her.

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