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Thread: Rigid Friend

  1. #1
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    Rigid Friend

    I have a friend (T) who I worked with for a couple years and we have kept in touch since. But I always have to go her way. She never will come my way and if it is a group get-together she will insist it be somewhere in her hometown and say next time we'll do something nearer where the other three of us live, but next time comes and it's the same old her way or the highway.

    She has been a good friend otherwise and a few weeks ago I went out to see her. I suggested a place which she of course shot down. So we met in her hometown. But I would like to see the other place so I tried to get the other two people in our circle to go. C said great let's ask A and T. I said I already asked T and she is not interested but I will check with A. A had other things going on that weekend so I told C and said let's try next month. She said yes, let's, and said she had brought it up with T who said she only wanted to go to the beach. I said the place I want to go is a beach. C said, "Well you'll have to explain that to her." But I know T only wants to go to the beach near her house, it's not that she doesn't know that the place I want to go is a beach.

    Now I know that not all friends meet all needs. T just likes to sit and talk. She will never hike or go out to eat or swim or anything else. My other friends are more adventurous. I do not fault T. She is tired from working full time and taking care of her elderly parents. That is why I went to see her. And it's why I've offered to help her with grocery shopping or anything else she might need but she always says no.

    So since C talked with T about my trying to get other people to go to the destination I wanted that T rejected, T has been very distant. We would text every few days, at a minimum every weekend, and when I last checked in with her and she took over a day to respond, was very brusque, and has not contacted me since. If she doesn't want to go with me I don't think she should resent my trying to go with other people. She was the first one I asked.

    She also is getting very secretive. I had been a reference for her for two different jobs, but she didn't ask for her most recent one and hasn't even told me where she is working. She also tried to come back to our company but didn't tell C or me, but C found out through the grapevine.

    Anyways, I am getting annoyed with T. I know she will probably try to strong arm everyone into going to her hometown and she will pick a time around her birthday to get together so she will say she gets to pick the destination for that reason. She has never gotten together with me for my birthday, just sent something in the mail. My thoughts are I am going to dig in my heels when this invitation comes and say no thanks, I'm interested in either the destination I suggested or something closer to where the other three of us live. I know she's got lots going on in her life, but so do the other three of us, and not small stuff either.

  2. #2
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    It is too bad T isn’t the friend you would like her to be, but she isn’t. Either it is worth the bits of friendship she offers you, or it is not

    You say “I don’t think she should resent…” but if she does have resentment she gets to have that feeling. She gets to have her own feelings that you cannot control. Perhaps you “should” not resent her resentment. See how that works?

    ”She is getting very secretive” means she is pulling back from you. Since you guys talked so often that’s probably a hurtful indication that your friendship is on the wane.

    Personally, group scheduling just bores me to tears so I don’t attempt to do much of that. I currently have a nightmare of a social event to schedule for a minimum of four households and maximum of eight. Guess how that scheduling has gone so far? Yeah I think you can guess, But at least we have a date that works for six households and that may be the best we can do. I’m not gonna choose another date either come on this date we picked or they won’t be included.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    I hear you on the group scheduling. It is like herding cats.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Does T stand for Tyrant? Even as a passive one, for whatever reason you are all working harder on the friendship than she is. That only works for awhile before it starts to pinch. When you have asserted an idea she has shot it down. When you didn't drop it and she found out she decided to punish you. She was no longer confiding in you. Now the game is to make you chase and grovel.
    Life is like a breath of fresh air without the T's of the world. Let..... her....... go....... she is a narcissist.

  5. #5
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simplemind View Post
    Does T stand for Tyrant? Even as a passive one, for whatever reason you are all working harder on the friendship than she is. That only works for awhile before it starts to pinch. When you have asserted an idea she has shot it down. When you didn't drop it and she found out she decided to punish you. She was no longer confiding in you. Now the game is to make you chase and grovel.
    Life is like a breath of fresh air without the T's of the world. Let..... her....... go....... she is a narcissist.
    she is a narcissist?

    I wouldn’t draw that conclusion from this situation. The friend may be self-centered. Or, she may not be very interested in maintaining a friendship and she doesn’t go out of her way to do it. But that isn’t narcissism.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    Her first name starts with a T.

  7. #7
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Maybe I've just had too many Ts in my life, but I'm inclined to believe friendships -- even good ones -- come and go; a lucky few come back. I would continue to get together with your other friends and agree among yourselves what to do and where and when. Either T will continue to move out of your lives (her loss) or she will relent and compromise at least some of the time. That's all up to her. None of you can do any more than provide what T considers motivation.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    Maybe I've just had too many Ts in my life, but I'm inclined to believe friendships -- even good ones -- come and go; a lucky few come back. I would continue to get together with your other friends and agree among yourselves what to do and where and when. Either T will continue to move out of your lives (her loss) or she will relent and compromise at least some of the time. That's all up to her. None of you can do any more than provide what T considers motivation.
    I think you are right, Steve, good advice. I have managed to avoid having T's in my life for years, thank goodness.

  9. #9
    Senior Member lhamo's Avatar
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    Why not end the speculation and ask her about it?

    "I've noticed you never accept my invitations to do things away from your home base. Is there some reason for that you'd care to share with me?"

    Maybe she'll deny it and get angry you brought it up. Or maybe there is an explanation. Either way it will tell you more about her and the nature of your friendship than speculating and trying to avoid the topic and/or her and your social circle.

    FWIW I have very bad refraction and feel uncomfortable driving in dark, especially on unfamiliar routes. So especially in the winter I try to schedule most of my outings either during daylight hours or close to home. And if there is a rainstorm predicted at night I will often cancel, even things I would otherwise enjoy, because the combination of raindrops and headlights make my windshield look to me like paparazzi flash bulbs going off.
    "Seek out habits that help you overcome fear or inertia. Destroy those that do the opposite." Seth Godin

  10. #10
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    She says she is tired. It is not a driving issue as I am willing to drive.

    This most recent visit she said was tired and had lots to do and could only visit 2 hours, then she spent 5 hours mainly venting about her problems. We could have spent 1 hour round trip going where I wanted and talking on the way and it would have left 4 hours there, or even less than 4 hours there.

    I am sure I will have the conversation when her birthday approaches and will remind her last time she, A and I got together we all agreed the next meeting would be near where A, C and I live.

    I am not avoiding her and made the last contact and got a delayed and curt reply. She has not contacted me since, it's been longer than I expected, and it's her turn.

    I do plan to send her a birthday card in the mail as she does with me. She has never been willing to get together with me for my birthday.

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