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Thread: Disentangling

  1. #1
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    Disentangling

    I am slowly working to disentangle my life from my son's because he is estranged from me and won't speak to me.

    First I switched my backup person in case my email has an alert (signed in from a new device etc) to my brother.

    Today I left him a note to please have his auto insurance premiums deducted from his own bank account not mine. He has reimbursed me for these, but sometimes with a lag, not an issue I mind as I can float him, but I don't think he should be doing this where he doesn't want to communicate with me.

    This is emotional work for me, and makes me think of other people having to go through it due to divorce, death or dementia of a loved one, etc. I feel for you all.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    I am slowly working to disentangle my life from my son's because he is estranged from me and won't speak to me.

    First I switched my backup person in case my email has an alert (signed in from a new device etc) to my brother.

    Today I left him a note to please have his auto insurance premiums deducted from his own bank account not mine. He has reimbursed me for these, but sometimes with a lag, not an issue I mind as I can float him, but I don't think he should be doing this where he doesn't want to communicate with me.

    This is emotional work for me, and makes me think of other people having to go through it due to divorce, death or dementia of a loved one, etc. I feel for you all.
    I think this is a lot like a divorce. I am glad you are disentangling your life from your son's illness, and hope that you can get him moved out or sell the house and get a place without him.

    I would definitely stop letting him have his auto insurance premiums deducted from his own bank account. I would also notify the bank that you no longer will let them be deducted from your account.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Klunick's Avatar
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    I don't know that backstory to all this but I am sorry you are going through this.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    TY Klunick.

  5. #5
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    How painful, Jeppy. So sorry to hear this, but you've hung in there a long time and I'm praying you both will be happier. As a mother who tends to cling too long to some things and accept other things I don't need to, I admire your strength to get through this transition period. It certainly doesn't mean the end of your relationship with your son, just different rules of engagement.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  6. #6
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    TY Catherine. One thing I have read is when a parent-child relationship is close the child feels a stronger need to distance in order to achieve autonomy, and as a single parent we were very close, you and me against the world, in part because his father was only in his life sporadically. Even when he had visits often he would not show up or would only stay a few minutes.

    So I am hoping the disentangling will lead to him feeling more autonomy and then wanting to re-engage on his own terms, but I don't think it will be anytime soon.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Klunick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    TY Catherine. One thing I have read is when a parent-child relationship is close the child feels a stronger need to distance in order to achieve autonomy, and as a single parent we were very close, you and me against the world, in part because his father was only in his life sporadically. Even when he had visits often he would not show up or would only stay a few minutes.

    So I am hoping the disentangling will lead to him feeling more autonomy and then wanting to re-engage on his own terms, but I don't think it will be anytime soon.
    His Dad sounds a lot like mine.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    It’s very difficult Yppej. I hope you can separate your living situations and one day have a good relationship again.

  9. #9
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    yppej, I too, have an estranged daughter. It is the most painful thing I have ever endured. I would not wish it upon anyone. My heart goes out to you. It sounds to me like you are doing what you can and should to take care of your own heart. Best wishes for healing. It takes a long time.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  10. #10
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    TY KayLR. I think it is more common than people think because due to the stigma it is not discussed much.

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