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Thread: Playing nicely in the sandbox with others

  1. #1
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    Playing nicely in the sandbox with others

    I wasn't sure where to put this thread, but this seems like as good a place as any since we are a community here and my topic certainly involves relationships.
    I'll start by saying that I just HATE it when we lose members, and I really hope Chickenlady isn't gone for good. I value every member of this forum, which includes those who seem to have a lot in common with me as well as those who don't. I can certainly be offensive if I want to be, but that isn't a skill I'm trying to cultivate, lol. I love the Gashlycrumb Tinies and I even have the t-shirt, but I kind of keep that side of me to myself here because I know it would offend many of the people I value. I make no secret of my atheism and dislike of the Catholic church, but I don't harp on it out of respect for forum members who are religious as another example. There are other places and groups where I can get into that stuff when and if I want.
    I really enjoy hearing different viewpoints and I don't want to live in an echo chamber, so I try to get along with others and focus on commonalities rather than differences, or discuss differences respectfully and then move on.
    Tybee, I paid attention to your thoughts on how it's better to address people directly rather than obliquely in the third person. I will work on that one. I think at least for me, it's a preferred method of confrontation for those who are non-confrontational, but perhaps not a good one.
    I've been working on trying to avoid name-calling. I was deeply disturbed last fall when some folks (not necessarily here) were referencing "Dementia Joe" and "Heels-up Harris." I decided that I was no better if I talked about Trump in terms of his hair or orange-ness, especially when there were so many more relevant points of criticism (actually an embarrassment of riches there). I think the recent scuffle between Kellie and Tradd would have been less awful without the name-calling. I'm really glad they were able to make up and move past it.
    Jeppy, I get the sense that you are a very hard-working person who tries to play by the rules, and that you get angry and frustrated with others when you feel that they aren't playing fair or according to the same standards you have set for yourself. Sometimes you really lash out, and you have been responsible for driving members away (Ultralight comes immediately to mind). I wish so much that you wouldn't do that. Every time someone leaves the forum, our group becomes a bit less vibrant and interesting.
    Anyway, I had to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I really like this SLForum which has taught me so much and I enjoy coming here and reading what others think. I do find it hard when people leave because each contributes in unique ways.
    Your gentle post, RR, says it well.
    As Cicero said, ďGratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.Ē

  3. #3
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    I bite my tongue a lot simply because I don't like confrontation or arguing in any format.

  4. #4
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    Nice post, rr. I hope something good comes of it.
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi
    Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. HH Dalai Lama
    In a world where you can be anything - be kind. Unknown

  5. #5
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    You are right Rosa that losing members diminishes our community. I definitely could improve on being nicer.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Klunick's Avatar
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    I dipped my toes in the Covid threads lately and decided it's best to stay away. People have strong opinions on the mask vs no mask thing and things get dense in those threads. I already made one blunder when I first came and thought someone was being rude to me, lashed out, and then realized they weren't even talking to me and had to apologize. Want to avoid a repeat and when tension is high, best to stay away so I don't even read the Covid threads much anymore. I respect other's opinions and realize there are some who don't give that same courtesy. That is fine and I learned to not engage.

    No idea what happened with Chickenlady as I don't recall reading many of her posts but I hope once tempers cool and feelings heal, she will be back.

  7. #7
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Thanks for posting this. I get really sad when members leave because of nastiness (real or perceived). I could name at least a dozen people that I truly wish were still here.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  8. #8
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    I agree it is best to address members directly. Even if they have you on their ignore list if they think you may be responding to something they've written and decide to take a look at it, it is easy to click on the show post button to see that particular post while continuing to ignore all your other posts.

    So to make snarky posts about a person thinking they will never see is not playing nice in the sandbox because they (see how I'm trying out they singular) just might. Better to IM that person and address them directly.

    I get the sense though that a lot of those types of posts were intended all along to play to the peanut (or the ice cream) gallery.

  9. #9
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    Not leaving forever, not mad, snarky post was more of a soliloquy because I really thought Yppej couldn’t see it, but honestly I don’t say things behind people’s backs - I was always aware someone could quote it and bring it into view, but I wouldn’t have addressed Yppej directly on the subject because I don’t think there is any point.

    I am going to be around less again (though as klunick pointed out, I haven’t been around as much as I used to anyway) because whatever her tone or intent - Yppej had a very good point (Yppej, you had a very good point.) when I am here engaging in unproductive arguments or debates or even reading and chatting on threads that are not directly related to my goals, I am not making progress on those goals. So, if I am around and see a chance to help, I’ll speak up. If I think someone here could help me, I’ll ask. And meanwhile I’ve sorted an inch and a half of paper out of my lesson plan and records files.

    carry on. Try to keep the cats out of the sand box.

  10. #10
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Not leaving forever, not mad, snarky post was more of a soliloquy because I really thought Yppej couldnít see it, but honestly I donít say things behind peopleís backs - I was always aware someone could quote it and bring it into view, but I wouldnít have addressed Yppej directly on the subject because I donít think there is any point.

    I am going to be around less again (though as klunick pointed out, I havenít been around as much as I used to anyway) because whatever her tone or intent - Yppej had a very good point (Yppej, you had a very good point.) when I am here engaging in unproductive arguments or debates or even reading and chatting on threads that are not directly related to my goals, I am not making progress on those goals. So, if I am around and see a chance to help, Iíll speak up. If I think someone here could help me, Iíll ask. And meanwhile Iíve sorted an inch and a half of paper out of my lesson plan and records files.

    carry on. Try to keep the cats out of the sand box.
    Chicken lady I never thought you were going to leave for good. But I have to say that I personally do not think Iím going to do much to ďhelp ďanyone unless they ask specifically about Iris, lilies, or bulldogs. Certainly I can yammer about many topics in life, but I donít know if thatís especially helpful. It is helpful for ME though as this space acts as my journal as well as the daily coffee klatch.

    People got mad and left our coffee klatch and that doesnít mean that we werenít regretful of their absence, but perhaps it just wasnít for them after a while. I mean it literally that we did have people who left our Sunday morning IRL coffee klatch. That group was also the group that held occasional world cuisine dinners, so was a pretty nice group.

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