House next door sold for $100K over list

[ToomuchStuff]

I would think a lot of people with paid-off houses will sell and downsize with cash. That's my personal fantasy anyway.

Unfortunately, things are not really set up to benefit people that way.
It would be nice if that could happen, as then they could use the surplus to pay living expenses (like someone to mow, etc.)

[catherine]

If supporting BIL means Catherine has to work another decade, I say that is complete bullshit.

I'm with you on that one, IL!!!

[pinkytoe]

Back in some other time, one could buy a house contingent on selling your present home. Many of us who would like to downsize no longer can so supply remains limited. As it is now, you must either pay cash or get lucky.

[catherine]

Have you or better your husband gone to Al-Anon for families and those dealing with others and their drinking? A friend went to learn how to deal with her own daughter and it was incredibly helpful. Note: her daughter went thru diversion for 2 DUI's and successfully stopped drinking. Her mother learned to step away. Now the daughter is married, working and a new mother. The program can help a lot.

In bae's words:

No joy. Alcoholism is a bitch.

If I ever got a tattoo, that would probably be it.

Yes, I have spent many years at Al-Anon meetings. It is great.

I am at the point where I know that I'm pretty much like the tree in the Giving Tree when the boy comes back to sit on the stump, and like the tree, I'm happy about my life and especially about the love I've been surrounded by in my life. That being said, I only have a stump left. I am cognizant of that. That's why I pushed DH out of our NJ house and into a house with low operating expenses. I am evaluating all expenditures at this point on the basis of whether or not they are "investments" in my future: for instance, we are paying ridiculous heating expenses, so I plan to invest in a much more efficient system.

BILs problems were in a not-insignificant degree due to alcohol, but more than anything, he truly lacks the thing most people have in their adult brains that tells them how to get from Point A to Point B in life. I blame my MIL for ensuring he remained a Peter Pan and never grew up, but it may be a chink in his brain software, too. Who knows. But given that it's a complex problem, it's a complex solution. We'll figure it out.

I think that you are thinking that you have more power here than you actually have. "I would not allow BIL to sleep on the streets"-- but it's not up to you, in the end, whether he sleeps on the streets--it is up to him, unfortunately. Step 1 states, "“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.” Are future actions that we take making our lives more unmanageable? I think actions like buying a condo or putting a second story on your house and moving him in--these are not acknowledging the reality of our powerlessness over alcohol, and alcoholism.

I will keep that in mind. I think you are absolutely right that it's not my responsibility, but given the "clueless" side of his personality, I still want to help where I can, and if I can.

[bae]

BILs problems were in a not-insignificant degree due to alcohol, but more than anything, he truly lacks the thing most people have in their adult brains that tells them how to get from Point A to Point B in life. I blame my MIL for ensuring he remained a Peter Pan and never grew up, ....

We believe this was one of the root causes of my cousin's issues. His father died when he was in the womb, he was an only child, his mother babied him his entire life and never ever let him fail, and he never developed skills to function as an independent adult.

When he died this year, he was 59 years old.

[JaneV2.0]

I think you're on to something--your BIL probably has some cognitive limitations that your MIL was trying to shield him from, when he really needed extensive training in life skills.

[bae]

Unfortunately, things are not really set up to benefit people that way.
It would be nice if that could happen, as then they could use the surplus to pay living expenses (like someone to mow, etc.)

The current system is set up to screw over people.

There is a perfectly nice house right next door to mine. It is 1300 sq ft and is the perfect layout and location for me. My house is 3x the size, and has 3 floors.

I've owned this home for 20 years, I have a substantial amount of paper capital gains on the home that would be taxed. They haven't changed the amount of exclusion of gains on the sale of your own home in ages - the current limit is $250k of gain for a single person. I purchased the home when married, and if I were still married, or got married again the day before a sale, I'd have a $500k exclusion. However, between the taxes on the paper gain, and local real estate transfer taxes, and the current priced of homes in my neighborhood, I could not afford to simply sell the home I live in now, and move into the smaller, less valuable home immediately next door. Which seems silly.

Especially since I could decide this isn't my primary residence, treat it as an investment property, and do a 1031 exchange, and get out with only the local real estate transfer taxes....

The system is set up to benefit real estate investors, not individual homeowners.

[Teacher Terry]

My middle son that’s had a alcohol/drug problem for most of his adult life has a brain injury from his birth and has never had good impulse control. Regardless he has a 84 IQ so it’s not low enough to have a guardian. He has gone up to a year being sober and holding a job. Unfortunately now he is 45 and has been homeless for the past 5 years. For many years I rescued him and/or helped but not anymore.

I have a friend who at 87 and 2 of her adult kids are similar and she has been a good role model for me to stop enabling. Her adult kids are my age and it never ends. He has refused to follow your advice and his problems are his to solve. If no one rescued him you would be surprised how he would rise to the occasion to rescue himself. Catherine you and your husband have good hearts but rescuing him is enabling him to remain a child.

[iris lilies]

Catherine I am projecting with the following idea and it may not be based in reality, but it does worry me about your situation, and it is this: because you’ve been The Money Machine for your family for so long, I am afraid that your kids and husband will declare “we must do something for uncle. “

And then they will look to you to fund that “something.”

Do not fall for it. Everyone who has opinion that Uncle must be supported financially gets to throw money into that support pot. EVERYONE.

[jp1]

I'm glad to hear that the "secret" about BIL's situation is very much temporary.

And I tend to agree with Iris. Money is often the easiest way to solve a lot of problems. Now that I have more money than I did 10/20/30 years ago I'm much more likely to just use it to deal with whatever issue life has thrown at me. And since your family has long watched you step in with money to resolve various problems it's easy to see how they would expect you to do so "just one more time..." Do it if you feel like you need to and that it really is the only option. But I would encourage you to focus more effort on finding out what sort of senior housing assistance, etc is available to BIL. (I would also encourage you to get the rest of the family involved in that project. Just because you were always the ATM solution before (since you were the one bringing in the money) doesn't mean you have to be the one to solve things now. Anyone with the willingness to spend time with the googles can be the person to find the program that will help BIL with rent/housing.)