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Thread: What makes you feel,disrespected?

  1. #1
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    What makes you feel,disrespected?

    I’ve been chewing on something for a while in my hobby groups. It is about what annoys me and what doesn’t annoy me, and how that differs from other people. I have an ironclad ego (no surprise here, right?) and can put up with about anything people say to me. Now, some people would say “Iris, the reason you can put up with anything people say is because people are generally very nice to you and possibly undeservedly so!” and I will agree to some extent.

    But anyway. We are having yet another conflict in yet another plant society. That let me to truly analyze without the help of a therapist ha ha, what it really boils down to for me. And it is this: the thing that makes me feel disrespected is when people waste my time.

    That is in direct conflict with someone else in my group who has what I consider to be an extremely fragile ego and feels “hurt and attacked and disrespected “when someone questions her or challenges her on a fact.

    Me, See, I am not bothered by that at all in fact I welcome being questioned. All these flower shows and plant societies have rules and regs we have to follow, and I like it when people say “hey is that really true? Is that in the rulebook? “ Because I don’t see that is challenging my authority, I see it as them wanting to act on actual fact and not my personal interpretation of it.

    The thing that I was pissed about in one organization and I’m still kind of pissed about with another organization is that they waste my time by not making the rules clear. If I put in a good faith effort to read the rules carefully, and their process of updating and clarifying is not clear, I waste time trying to figure out ruling. I wasted a lot of time in the past 18 months on a set of issues and it’s now been resolved, thank you God. There is another issue with national garden club that required many email communications among five people to essentially arrive at Step A where we started. I have tolerance for working through processes to identify the facts. I have tolerance for ambiguity. I do not have tolerance for those who speak with authority saying the sky is blue. If I’m supposed to know the sky is blue you need to make that clear from the beginning OR ELSE Tell me “hey we need to figure that out and we will get back to you. “ Two people are still mad about THAT interaction, haha but that transgression isn’t the one bothering me most.

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    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    Yep, people who are always late and can’t be bothered to let you know. In the age of cell phones, there is no freaking reason to be late without notifying the people you’re meeting with. And if you’re consistently late, I don’t do stuff with you anymore.

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    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I'm with you on the puntuality thing. That, to me, is a blatant sign of disrespect. And it's egoism because those people tend feel that the world should spin on their timetable.

    I feel disrespected if I'm dismissed, and I sometimes get the sense that I'm dismissed because of ageism+sexism which is a double whammy in our society-Like my doctor. She is actually not a doctor, but an NP. She loves my husband. Gives him anything he wants. Ultrasounds, referrals to audiologists, allergists, CT scans, blood tests, you name it.

    But when I try to express ONE concern I have about my health, she's deaf. I never go to the doctor and I've spared Medicare thousands of dollars so far, but when I tried to explain to her my concern which is valid and backed by clinical research, she ignored me. My blood test--most people get at least a basic blood panel, but I get two lines on my blood test: my LDL and my HDL. I do feel disrespected by her.
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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I'm with you on the puntuality thing. That, to me, is a blatant sign of disrespect. And it's egoism because those people tend feel that the world should spin on their timetable.

    I feel disrespected if I'm dismissed, and I sometimes get the sense that I'm dismissed because of ageism+sexism which is a double whammy in our society-Like my doctor. She is actually not a doctor, but an NP. She loves my husband. Gives him anything he wants. Ultrasounds, referrals to audiologists, allergists, CT scans, blood tests, you name it.

    But when I try to express ONE concern I have about my health, she's deaf. I never go to the doctor and I've spared Medicare thousands of dollars so far, but when I tried to explain to her my concern which is valid and backed by clinical research, she ignored me. My blood test--most people get at least a basic blood panel, but I get two lines on my blood test: my LDL and my HDL. I do feel disrespected by her.
    first thing: you know that seems very unrealistic. I thought it was standard operating procedure for all adults to get a CBC which has gosh I don’t know a lot of lines, maybe 25? DH goes to his physician regularly for those same blood tests. I started going to the doctor a few years ago and she plunged in with the standard CBC panel. And continues with them.

    I would probably view that interaction as “a waste of my time p” and be annoyed because of that, but it’s really more serious because she is dismissing your educated knowledge that is granted layman level, but it seems unprofessional. I’m not saying the test you you asked for is within the range of reasonable medical test, I don’t know, but as I said above more then cholesterol testing seems to be in order.

    And then speaking of physician tests, I had a panel of skin allergy tests that I asked for after consultation and I paid for (not expensive) that revealed not much of anything I guess. Although the doctor wasn’t there it was a tech who gave it so I’m not sure. I guess I’ll talk to my doctor later about it because she mentioned in an email that she thinks I could benefit from some medication but we’ll see. My personal theory is that I’m allergic to plants growing in greenhouses and her test showed ragweed and grass. Which is not the thing I’m allergic to.

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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I'm with you on the puntuality thing. That, to me, is a blatant sign of disrespect. And it's egoism because those people tend feel that the world should spin on their timetable.

    I feel disrespected if I'm dismissed, and I sometimes get the sense that I'm dismissed because of ageism+sexism which is a double whammy in our society-Like my doctor. She is actually not a doctor, but an NP. She loves my husband. Gives him anything he wants. Ultrasounds, referrals to audiologists, allergists, CT scans, blood tests, you name it.

    But when I try to express ONE concern I have about my health, she's deaf. I never go to the doctor and I've spared Medicare thousands of dollars so far, but when I tried to explain to her my concern which is valid and backed by clinical research, she ignored me. My blood test--most people get at least a basic blood panel, but I get two lines on my blood test: my LDL and my HDL. I do feel disrespected by her.
    Slightly off topic, but get a new doctor or NP, a new practice. That's ridiculous. And yes, I have noticed it with respect to medical care my husband gets and medical care I get. I think it harkens back to doctors thinking men's lives were more valuable because they were the breadwinners. Which isn't even true anymore.

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    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    first thing: you know that seems very unrealistic. I thought it was standard operating procedure for all adults to get a CBC which has gosh I donít know a lot of lines, maybe 25? DH goes to his physician regularly for those same blood tests. I started going to the doctor a few years ago and she plunged in with the standard CBC panel. And continues with them.
    I know--I looked it up in Medicare and they cover blood tests that your doctor considers "medically necessary" which of course is open to interpretation. So, when I raised this issue, which I consider to be a potential cardiac issue, she followed the Medicare guidelines to the letter:

    EXAMPLES OF COVERED BLOOD TESTS
    Here are some of the conditions that are commonly screened through blood tests and how often you can have them done with Medicare coverage:

    Diabetes: once a year, or up to twice per year if you are higher risk (the A1C test will need to be repeated after 3 months)
    Heart disease: cholesterol, lipids, and triglycerides screening once every 5 years
    HIV: once a year based on risk
    Hepatitis (B and C): once a year depending on risk
    Colorectal cancer: once a year
    Prostate cancer Prostate specific antigen [PSA] test): once a year
    Sexually transmitted diseases: once a year

    But just because I'm healthy and can walk around asymptomatic for any disease all day long, I don't understand why I can't just get a CBC. I have looked into just going to a LabCorp and paying myself.

    But I think I'll first take Tybee's advice and just to go another doctor.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    I'm with you on the wasting my time thing. When I was working that was a big pain. But I think what makes me feel disrespected over all boils down to one thing, what I call "being blown off." or being made to feel invisible.

    That can take many forms:
    Not getting an answer to a question, being ghosted instead of answered. Then saying they don't recall my asking.
    Not being listened to. (ie, my voice/opinion isn't valued)
    Having my idea co-opted.
    Being interrupted repeatedly, even in polite conversation.
    Someone I'm having a conversation with always having to "top" me, BTDT only worse, better, etc.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  8. #8
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KayLR View Post
    I'm with you on the wasting my time thing. When I was working that was a big pain. But I think what makes me feel disrespected over all boils down to one thing, what I call "being blown off." or being made to feel invisible.

    That can take many forms:
    Not getting an answer to a question, being ghosted instead of answered. Then saying they don't recall my asking.
    Not being listened to. (ie, my voice/opinion isn't valued)
    Having my idea co-opted.
    Being interrupted repeatedly, even in polite conversation.
    Someone I'm having a conversation with always having to "top" me, BTDT only worse, better, etc.
    I would interpret a couple of these as “wasting my time” as with the one where you don’t get an answer due to ghosting, ignoring, not listening, not caring to answer you.

    As for the “topping” thing: we have a mutual friend who drives some people crazy. One of my friends said to me about her “don’t you notice how she always has to top you and whatever you say? Whatever you’ve said, she has the same experience only more so and different? “

    To me that isn’t topping that is just someone who is desperate to talk at me and uses anything I say as a jumping off point. Our mutual friend is not a pathological talker though, she’s just a garden variety talker. I’ve known people in life who are pathological talkers and that is a really scary thing.

    One poor woman in our dog club was pathological her need to talk continuously. Another time in our wide circle of neighborhood friends we had three talkers who I secretly wanted to get into a room with all three together and see who came out on top.

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    Funny but I attended an orientation today for a new garden group venture and the leader said the last one broke up due to opposing views on "how to garden." Huh??
    Anyway, I feel disrespected as Catherine said when I feel I am being dismissed. I find doctor visits always fall into that realm and I go away thinking what do I do now for my issue? I have one coming up and am pretty certain based on past experiences that I will be offered a pill or a test rather than a discussion or an actual physical exam. I don't want to just treat symptoms; I want to know what is causing them. There have been quite a few articles in the NYTimes lately about how female and minority patients are treated differently in the medical community.

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    I always just thought that was just American medicine, here is your 10 minute appointment ...
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