Seniors who refuse to ask for help

[Tradd]

We have the weirdest situation with a senior at my church. She’s about 75ish without much money. Her son had allowed her to live rent free in a house he owns for years. Mom pays for utilities and some upkeep. For some years, mom has also been allowed to drive an older car that belongs to daughter in law (son’s wife). For whatever reason, daughter in law is now selling the car to a friend of hers and mom won’t have any car to drive.

Meals on wheels comes in the morning. She has some sort of a household aide who comes in the early afternoon. All medical appts are later afternoon.

Senior has cancelled all medical appts because she no longer has a car to drive. There’s local senior transport for medical appts, but it stops at 3pm, too early for her appts. Plenty of people at church have offered to drive her to appts, but she’s a stubborn old broad and refuses to ask for help. I will say she seems to have something of an entitled attitude. She constantly says she and her siblings provided their mother whatever she wanted, so she seems to think her son should give her whatever she wants. Mind you, she’s already living rent free.

Senior says she has never asked for help and doesn’t intend to start now. She got her nose really bent out of shape when I told her she must have asked for help at least one time, or how did she start getting the household aide? She refused to answer that. I don’t know if the aide is a senior benefit from local govt or what. I don’t think she pays for side.

Let’s hear your stories of stubborn old coots.

[sweetana3]

I have a mother in law who is 91 and no longer speaking to me so her son has to do everything. Problem: She won't tell him anything. So round and round it goes. Before she stopped talking to me she said she needed some new pants. Have told my husband twice but it is now up to him to do something. They both are so passive aggressive it is beyond belief.

[Tybee]

I have this attitude in my family and in myself, I think. Maybe she would prefer to expire on her own time?

[Tradd]

I have this attitude in my family and in myself, I think. Maybe she would prefer to expire on her own time?

Well, if that was the case, you would have think she’d have stopped going to the doctor well before she lost use of the car. It really all looks like a temper tantrum. You won’t let me have a car to drive so I’m going to stop going to the doctor. Wah!

[iris lilies]

Oh, I’m running into it all the time because I’m in that age bracket. It’s only a matter of time for me…


The latest one is a fellow plant Society person. She is overweight and has trouble walking. Her husband died of cancer a couple of years ago. She has a nice older small house with a nice garden, but her house has a bathroom only on the second floor.

A couple of years ago she said belligerently “they aren’t going to push me out of this house, that won’t be happening. “I think the “they “are her daughters. Fast forward to recent months. She had leg surgery, and then she had eye surgery. She was laid up. I don’t know who is taking care of her, but I do know that a fellow plant Society person ran food errands for her. And… That did not go well .
I do not believe the daughters were doing a whole lot for her.

I do not understand wanting to live in a place where it falls down around your ears and you can’t take care of it. But I know with absolute certainty that will be DH because he does not see when things need to be fixed, cleaned, painted, and repaired. He’s brilliant at building things. Maintenance? not so much.

I have utmost admiration for the several people I know, in their late 70s and up, who move themselves to easily maintained assisted-living or condo places. Those are the people who have the most engagement within their community, I think. It’s these people who understand they cannot, and do not wish to, maintain physical property that’s extensive anymore, but they are big on socializing, maintaining their automobiles, going places and doing things. They are the people I want to be.

[Tybee]

Yeah, I hear you about respecting people like that. Unfortunately, while some of my people are good at maintaining things, and thankfully, I have that gene, they are not good about knowing when to throw in the towel.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm that person. I would be thrilled if a flock of flying monkeys would swoop down and relocate me, but though I keep scanning the sky, it's not happening.

[pinkytoe]

I can see where I am fast approaching an age where moving seems insurmountable so need to get out of a house with so many stairs. MIL would have been gone years ago but her DD waits on her hand and foot. One of several reasons we moved so far away. DHs parents were so smothering with expectations that I needed to be free of it.

[frugal-one]

I asked for help for the first time in years. Asked DS to help us get ready for move. He came for 2 days and did an amazing job. We still have LOTS to do but he paved the way. We were starting to become overwhelmed and the extra help alleviated the anxiety. Thankfully, I was able to convince DH it was time to go. I am psyched to go to a smaller place with low maintenance and people my own age and many activities. I knew if something happened to DH, I could not take care of the house. If something happened to me, he would have been better prepared but why have this large of house for one person? The inspection is tomorrow and if all goes well... we have to be out by the 30th! We are getting rid of all and starting over. The timing was right for our area. There are VERY few older homes for sale in our town (only 3 when we put house on market), demand and prices are high. It is time to move and "age in place" as they say.

[Teacher Terry]

My parents were realistic and wanted to take care of themselves. They sold their house and moved into an apartment. I helped because they were great parents. I have followed in their footsteps and my kids are the same as me.