Considering Breaking ties with Family Member - Insensitive message

[kally]

Goodness it is scary what we women go through with these tests, but I think the fear is affecting how you are perceiving his message. It seems normal to me, especially for a guy.

I think this fear thing will always be there for most of us, so it is good that you are checking it out here. The responses are definitely giving you a message.

Good luck.

[Float On]

It comes down to the fact that many times the only times families see each other are at funerals. He is probably excited that someone is going to host a reunion.
I'd probably reply back with a
Quoting you dear brother - "the next time the family gets together it'll be at a funeral" - Ummmm....you know something about my test that I don't know? Gave me a fright for a second there. Glad to hear ___is thinking of hosting a reunion, keep me updated on that and let me know if there is anything I can do to help out. It would be nice for the family to be together more often for joyous occasions.

[puglogic]

I agree with the group and love Float On's approach. I don't think I would send such medical detail to my own brother, sweet as he is, because a) he's not equipped to handle it, and b) I know I wouldn't get the loving, supportive response that I was craving. I understand how you feel, but do take care not to read too much into the 'funeral' comment. My family, too, only seems to get together for funerals and weddings Sending support to you!

[loosechickens]

I certainly wouldn't "cut off ties" with your brother, as the most he can really be accused of here is not grasping what a HUGE fear this is for you, and the emotional reaction you've had to your tests. A sister might have been more able to see that, but it would be a rare brother who would do much more than he did, which was to inquire about your tests. Many, many men have less than an optimal grasp of emotional issues, and even less ability to discuss them.

I'd assume that he wishes the best for you, might just not know what to say, and is really, fairly normal, at least for a number of men I've known.

You've got to remind yourself that your nerves are at fever pitch right now, your emotions are high, and your focus is totally on this looming possible health issue. But your brother is in a very different space, does not have that "dread of breast cancer" that is so present in so many of us who are women, and may be uncomfortable with such issues. Cut him a break and look to your girlfriends for emotional support during this really hard time.

Wishing you the very best of outcomes, and sending some cyberhugs your way........

[H-work]

I never ever base anything on emails. It is way too hard to judge what is truly meant. My family has such vague emails, it makes me crazy just trying to figure out what they mean. Usually, I get it wrong.

The only time me & my husband have fought were over emails. One of us misread or misunderstood something written and things blew up. I now never email important things over email to any of my family. I'll email, to call me or we need to talk but leave the specifics for when we can talk in person or on the phone.

[rodeosweetheart]

Hey Cypress, sending healing thoughts at you!! I hear you about your brother. I have one who is even more abrasive--really dreadful. I would just not share the health news with him, but not cut him off--yours sounds caring but kind of a denier/ignorer, and doesn't seem to be cut out for active support. I think the funeral comment was one of those horribly unconcsious faux pas that actually mean he is frightened for you and thus minimizing. (My brother is not frightened for me and does minimize, if that makes sense!)

I would send back a message that says something like "Thanks for the info about Patty and family reunion. I am extremely concerned right now about my own health situation and do not want to hear about projected family funerals, for reasons I am sure you can understand. I will let you know when I am out of the woods."

But yeah, I can feel your hurt, and it sucks when family is not there for you.

[Cypress]

A thousand and one thanks for the replies. I am so glad to have an outlet for moments like this. Blessings for one and all. I may suggest to him summer reading of Deborah Tanner. She has several books on male/female communication and just this type of scenario.

[bagelgirl]

I totally understand how you feel Cypress. A couple of weeks ago I passed out in front of a Wal Mart store after giving blood at the bloodmobile in the parking lot. I ended up being transported to the ER. It took me about four minutes to completely faint and I was very frightened as it felt like I was becoming slowly paralyzed. All is well now, but I did share the news with family members by email.

Daughter-in-law sent me two lines saying she couldn't type much as she was holding the baby. No calls from her or my son to see how I was doing. Sister who lives in Europe finally emailed me about 10 days later and mentioned it in passing.

It does hurt when family members don't respond with emotional support when you need it.

[daisy]

With the men in my life, most of them would be willing to try to be emotionally supportive, but I would have to ask them specifically for what I need. None of them seem to have the instinct to sit and comfort someone, but they are more than willing to offer support in the form of "helpful service", such as mowing lawns, etc.

[redfox]

I totally understand how you feel Cypress. A couple of weeks ago I passed out in front of a Wal Mart store after giving blood at the bloodmobile in the parking lot. I ended up being transported to the ER. It took me about four minutes to completely faint and I was very frightened as it felt like I was becoming slowly paralyzed. All is well now, but I did share the news with family members by email.

Daughter-in-law sent me two lines saying she couldn't type much as she was holding the baby. No calls from her or my son to see how I was doing. Sister who lives in Europe finally emailed me about 10 days later and mentioned it in passing.

It does hurt when family members don't respond with emotional support when you need it.

Even though we all think our family should just 'get it' and speak up, or that they should just 'know' what emotional support is to you, it's important to ask for support! Evey one of us has been that unintentional dolt who didn't say the right thing to someone we love because... we didn't realize they wanted/needed our words! Or we assumed that by being quiet, they wanted privacy... we all make our own assumptions about what's right.

Give your friends and family a break from mind-reading [which they are apparently not so good at anyway ] and say what you need, specifically, out loud. It's not instinct, it's learned communications styles, and each one of us is different.

"I recently had a bad medical experience and I am reaching out for love and support. Please call or email me - I need some friends right now!" What would you do if you got that message in your inbox? I'd be grateful my friend told me what's up, and I would call ASAP!