Thanksgiving question

[Tybee]

Hi all, wanted to run this scenario by the group and get your opinions. A few months ago, my son and I talked and he agreed to host Thanksgiving at his house, as it is pretty central for both sets of grandparents, and he wanted to get together with us for Thanksgiving. He said he would do it, and I was relieved, because the plans were set, and it would not involve any hardship for anyone to drive there. It was understood that we all wanted to be together at Thanksgiving.
Yesterday he informed me that dil talked to her mother and changed the plans so now Thanksgiving would be at the mil's house. He instantly wanted to know whether we planned to come. I was upset because I had been really looking forward to Thanksgiving at his house, which we did last year and was really fun. I had been happy to have it sorted out a few months ago. I said I was disappointed that their plans had changed, and not sure if we would be coming. It's a difficult drive to their house, over 2 hours through mountainy roads, and no bathrooms along the way--we are getting old and this is a problem for us. I told him that, feeling really old and infirm and embarrassed.

It bothered me they switched it, that we were now being told to adjust to going to these inlaws house, which we really don't want to do on a holiday, especially since the weather gets iffy around here. It's dumb but I'll be anxious the whole week going into it, worried about snow, as I don't want to cancel the day of, and I don't even want to go in the first place.

But if we don't go then we're by ourselves feeling lonely and let out, and we could have gone, we would be invited.

This is not the first time by a long shot this has happened--the mil is always changing things at the last minute, and we are just supposed to adjust and be grateful to be invited anywhere.

And I'm feeling upset. What would you all do in my shoes?

[Tradd]

If you don’t want to make the drive, don’t go. Do you have other friends you could get together with? Maybe volunteer at a community dinner on the day if you have nowhere to go and don’t want to spend the entire day alone?

The bathroom thing would be a deal breaker to me, too.

[Tybee]

If we don't go, we will definitely be on our own, although one year we went to a restaurant around here and it was great--it was like the whole town turned out and it was very jolly.
Things really shut down around here on holidays. Easter everything is as closed as Christmas, so no bathrooms then either, and we try not to drive on those days.

[catherine]

Such a bummer...

Is there any way you could stay overnight at your son's house the night before and then travel with them to the in-laws? Maybe not in the same car, but I'm assuming the ride is better and easier from where your son lives. It would make your holiday a three-day one instead of a one-day one, but maybe that's not a bad thing?? Can your son accommodate you at his house?

If not, I personally would probably be tempted to go even though I wouldn't look forward to the drive, simply because these days I'm trying to say "yes" more often to things life throws my way. I think my default is "no" when it comes to events and I am sure I miss out on things I would have enjoyed. I also would feel bad sitting in a restaurant knowing my kids and grandkids are having a wonderful family dinner without me.

I would not, however, consider going and returning on the same day. If I couldn't stay at least one night with one family or another, even if I had to stay in a local hotel, that would be my deal breaker.

Bummer that no one considered your needs when the plans were changed.

[iris lilies]

I wouldn’t go since there seems to be nothing attractive about going. But then, neither do I ”feel lonely and left out” at holidays. Mainly I feel relieved to not have to drive thru shit weather.

I mean, that is 4 hours of driving in one day in potentially bad weather. Ugh, nope.

[Tybee]

Such a bummer...

Is there any way you could stay overnight at your son's house the night before and then travel with them to the in-laws? Maybe not in the same car, but I'm assuming the ride is better and easier from where your son lives. It would make your holiday a three-day one instead of a one-day one, but maybe that's not a bad thing?? Can your son accommodate you at his house?

If not, I personally would probably be tempted to go even though I wouldn't look forward to the drive, simply because these days I'm trying to say "yes" more often to things life throws my way. I think my default is "no" when it comes to events and I am sure I miss out on things I would have enjoyed. I also would feel bad sitting in a restaurant knowing my kids and grandkids are having a wonderful family dinner without me.

I would not, however, consider going and returning on the same day. If I couldn't stay at least one night with one family or another, even if I had to stay in a local hotel, that would be my deal breaker.

Bummer that no one considered your needs when the plans were changed.

You have really put your finger on the dilemma. If I go, I am resentful and feel diminished. If I don't go, I am resentful and feel diminished. I know it is silly of me to feel that way. But I do. We are always changing things for the mil, plans are always changed for her to dominate the situation. Every. darn. time.

And yet they are gracious hosts, etc, and I know I am being silly and will miss out.

But like IL says--four hours of driving!!

Can't do the overnight because of the dogs. If I do that, my husband and I are going separately and there is more travel and more angst.

And now I look outside and it is snowing. Ugh. Really did not want to be here this winter.

[iris lilies]

I watch people turn themselves into knots over these holiday family plans, and I wonder why people do it. So Tybee, I wonder why you do it. But anyway –

If your son’s mother-in-law continually change plans, then there’s a few things you could do but if your son and daughter-in-law will not hold a line and say to her mother “we have decided what we’re doing. That’s what we’re doing. We’re not going to change now.” Then YOU will always be going along with THEIR flow.

I think it wouldn’t hurt to tell your son that when he makes a plan, it’s important to you than it be honored. And then let it go, don’t guilt trip him too much. I have no idea what your daughter-in-law wants to happen, but if she really wanted to host this Thanksgiving plans at her house, she would’ve done it


So if you don’t want to be in her mother’s orbit, you have to make your own plans for your family. Have a “Thanksgiving” on another day. You host. You host them at your house. Or at a restaurant in their town. Etc.

and that doesn’t even bring up the nightmare of Christmas. The Christmas Eve event. The Christmas day event. Etc. etc.

I will also mention that you can put the dogs in a kennel for an overnight. It won’t hurt them unless you have a dog with extreme fears. We have put our dog in the kennel for an overnight in order to avoid a return trip on the same day, and our return trip is only an hour and a half, but it would’ve been late at night and we’re just not keen on that.

[Tybee]

Well, we just had a big fight about it and it resulted in me calling son five minutes ago and telling him we will not be going to his mil's for Thanksgiving.
Now to deal with the fallout of the big fight with DH.
Aren't families great.

[Tradd]

Well, we just had a big fight about it and it resulted in me calling son five minutes ago and telling him we will not be going to his mil's for Thanksgiving.
Now to deal with the fallout of the big fight with DH.
Aren't families great.

I’m sorry to hear that.

[Tybee]

Thank you.