making decisions about elder care

[madgeylou]

thanks, fidgie and merski. fidgie, that makes sense ... much like a child can be more horrid to a parent than they would anyone else, maybe she just feels safe taking this out on me. i am a really logical person, though, which makes it hard for me to continue to nod and be empathetic when she's talking total bollocks. i just have to let it go in one ear and out the other, i guess.

and, merski, please don't think for a moment that you are blathering -- it's so helpful to hear your story and know that i'm not the only one who's gone through this! i'm sorry that you had such hard times with your mom as well.

i hope that, in her heart of hearts, my grandma knows that i love her. i'm just trying to remember that she is scared, and her mind isn't working the way she is used to ... and i just can't take any of it personally.

[Zoebird]

often, when children are forced into foster care (which, of course, children always are), they have a strong reaction to the whole situation, and a strong desire to go home. it is major drama for them, very intense.

just keep your mind clear on this -- she is acting out and it's ok. she's upset -- and why not? it makes total sense for her to be upset. Remember that you are doing what you can do right now, and yu can tell her that when she is capable of coming home, then she can come home. but she can't until she is healthy enough for it. that's all this is -- not imprisonment, not trying to get rid of her, but really, to make sure that she is healthy enough to come home and be able to stay home!

i know it's a lot of drama. and i know it's hard. you can do it.

[iris lily]

hey madge, I remember that my mother's reaction was the same in the nursing home about the night noise. I put it down to her not sleeping very well with unfamiliar noises seeming louder than she was used to at night. Also she claimed weird things like the pants issue. But my mother had a diagnosis of Alzeimer's Disease and so it was rather easy ignore what she reported, poor woman!

Oddly, she did not blame me for being in that nursing home, she acted as though we had a common enemy. Perhaps in her mind she was blaming my brother, it was never clear to me and I didn't pursue it, I just nodded sympathetically when she talked about being sprung to go home.

The concept of Home is important to most domestic creatures, not just human, but dogs and cats, too.

[Fawn]

OK, this is the hospice nurse talking, and she may not be ready for this yet.....BUT...when people start talking about "going home"....sometimes they want to go to some physical place they have lived before.....and some times "home" is an obscure reference to a spiritual home, an afterlife. There is an excellent book about the topic "Final Gifts" still out in paper back.

Just sayin'

And (((hugs mageylou))) it's hard to have someone you love so sick.

[Anne Lee]

The good thing is that she probably won't remember this should she recover enough to go home someday.

Don't forget to take of yourself during this very stressful time. It's easy to overlook this.

Regarding your grandmother, are there any small items from home she can bring to help? Pictures? Knick knacks? A favorite item of clothing?

[madgeylou]

i spoke with her this morning, and she seems more lucid. and she says that she is going to try really hard in therapy so she can go home. thank goodness!

you know, i found out last night that they didn't give her an ambien the first night, and my understanding is that coming off ambien can make you seriously crazy ... so am thinking that might've contributed to her freakout ...

[daisy]

Hi madgeylou,

My MIL has Alzheimer's, which isn't what you're dealing with, but your grandma's non-lucid moments sound fairly similar. I think it's pretty common for a confused elderly person to lash out at the person they are closest to when they are scared or frustrated. My MIL was always sweet to DH and I, but she could be very, very mean to my FIL, sometimes even physically violent (fortunately, she is tiny and FIL could easily fend her off). The night confusion is also fairly common. A few months before MIL was diagnosed, she was hospitalized to have a pacemaker put in. We found out later that someone had come to get her for a scan fairly late at night, but she was convinced someone had tried to kidnap her and there was no convincing her otherwise.

Hang in there. It's not easy, but hopefully your grandmother will regain her mental faculties as her infection and low sodium are corrected.

[madgeylou]

spent some time with her last night, and she seems so much more like herself. her short term memory is still not right (she keeps repeating the same thing she told us 5 minutes ago, asking the same questions, etc.) but she seems much more like she did when she first came home from the hospital last time. that first week she had made steady progress until, i guess, the dehydration and UTI got to her.

she said she had a good time in therapy, too, and that it felt good to use her body. so i'm very encouraged. gonna go over and paint her nails for her tonight.

thanks again for your support on this thread, SLN friends. it has helped me so much. i'll keep you posted on how we get on.