Complaining

[Charity]

General complaining doesn't bother me all that much because we all do it to a certain extent. The one case in which it bothers me emmensly is when my sister does it. She complains about things that most people only wish was happening to them.

She doesn't work and hasn't for at least thirty years. She has no kids. Her husband has a great job with involves domestic and international travel. She goes on many of his trips free of charge. She lives in a huge historic home which they've lovingly restored. Tomorrow she leaves on her free two week trip to Italy which her husband won for being employee of the year.

So what does she complain about? Everything. She hates the house, she hates cleaning the house and she hates that house doesn't allow her to do what she really loves, which is painting, which she didn't do for at least 20 years before they bought this house anyway. She hates dealing with contractors or anything else related to home ownership.

Everytime she has to go on a trip with her husband and there are other corporate wives along, she complains about most of the other wives, complains about what they did and complains about at least two or three aspects of the trip. (The last one was San Fran and Napa Valley, poor dear)

For weeks she has been complaining about how stressfull sitting at her computer planning every detail of the Italy trip has been. She is positively obsessed with planning every last detail of trips, not just hotels, restaurants and museums, but bakeries, delis, shops, and everything else planning out each and every walk, train ride, and car route for each day. I'll stop by after working all day at my computer and she'll repeat over and over how horrible it was to sit at a computer all day planning the trip of a lifetime. When she closed her computer without saving the "Tuscany" document she made everyone miserable for days because she had to reconstruct it. It never remotely occurs to her that other people work at computers all day doing stuff they don't love because they have to eat and pay bills.

Then there are the clothes buying trips, which she also hates. Everytime she goes on a trip, and we're talkin 3 or 4 a year, she has absolutely nothing to wear. I swear there must be a vortex in her closet (the giant new walk-in one they had built this year) that's sucking all her clothes to the great beyond on a regular basis. She says they're stained or not right for the trip. Off she goes to buy more. This time it was to a larger city that they stayed in overnight so she could get the right clothes for Italy. Shopping is just so damn stressful, so it requires staying at a nice hotel and eating in nice restaurants.

I'm sooooo glad she's leaving tomorrow. My single homeowner, not rich, non traveling, hardworking, dumpy clothes wearing self who is taking care of her pets while she's complaining her way through Italy needs one hell of a break. I did get the nerve to tell her yesterday that when she decides to give any of the stained, not right clothes to Goodwill, I want right of first refusal. I have detergent. I can get out stains dagnabbit! And we're identical twins. They'll fit me.

I feel better now.

[treehugger]

For example, a lot of my friends complain non-stop about their husbands and kids.

I find this to be pretty standard among the average woman, too, and it bothers me. I often want to stop them and ask, "Is there anything you do like about your husband/kid?" But of course I don't since that would come off as pretty antagonistic.

An unwritten cultural norm in the US among many native speakers of English is that "how are you" is a frozen chunk really meaning "hello," NOT "how are you." I've heard that this is frustrating and offputting for people who speak other languages.

Well, I think it's cultural within different areas of the US, since I was not raised to say, "How are you?" to everyone I meet and not expect an answer. I just say hello. Or I ask good friends how they are because I really want to know. And yes, I realize I am in the minority with this, but I find it odd for strangers to ask strangers, clearly not wanting to hear anything but, "Fine," or nothing at all. So, if you don't want to hear a real answer, don't ask! :}

Smiling and saying hello is sufficient. Truly.

But what I really want to complain about are the weather complainers. For some reason, this is the regular complaining that annoys me the most. I mean, it's weather, we have some every day, and we can't do anything about it (clearly, I'm not talking about being upset about hurricaine damage or the like). Why waste time bitching about it? I work with people who complain every day (it's too hot, too cold, too windy, too cloudy, to sunny, too grey). I guess some of this has to do with just needing something to talk about...but truly, silence isn't a bad thing.

OK, that's my complaint for the complaining about complaining thread.

Kara

[JaneV2.0]

"For example, a lot of my friends complain non-stop about their husbands and kids."

This baffles me, too. I expect more loyalty than that from people. I would think if your spouse is truly horrible, you would do something about it; otherwise keep it between the two of you. Not complaining--it's no skin off my nose, and really none of my business. But it happens often enough to be notable.

I've mentioned before that, having worked in both all male and all female groups, and in my experience women complain about their partners way, way more than men do. FWIW

[catherine]

I've mentioned before that, having worked in both all male and all female groups, and in my experience women complain about their partners way, way more than men do. FWIW

Interesting. Are women more passive aggressive? Are they more into control issues? (So if their SO doesn't do things exactly they way they want, it's an issue?) Are they more judgmental? Do they feel LESS empowered in the relationship so they have to release pent-up frustration by complaining?

[loosechickens]

When I have to be around complainers, I always think of how much I wish they could have known my husband's late Aunt Marian, who was such a positive person that when we visited her for the last time (actually the day before she died, unexpectedly in her early nineties), she had just been moved to a nursing home from the hospital because she had broken her hip, as we entered the room, we were greeted by the following:

"Oh, I'm just so glad to see you! Look, look, aren't I lucky?" (as she gestured toward the window in her room). "They've given me a room where I can see a bird feeder! Look at all those beautiful birds".

At her funeral, her son-in-law said, "that Marian......she could find something positive to say about spilled paint", and it was true. She was the happiest, most contented, positive person I ever met. People were drawn to her, everyone loved her, at her funeral, even the waitresses from a coffee shop she had frequented years ago, showed up.

She had an ordinary life, lost her husband suddenly, had to move from her beloved home, lived on a small income, had health problems, etc., just as anyone else, but somehow, while she acknowledged troubles, she never dwelled on them, and focused instead on all the ways of finding contentment where she was at that moment.

What a lady.......when I hear so many constant complainers, who often have much smoother lives than this aunt had, I remember her SO fondly. May she rest in peace. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and try to at least TRY to look at life the way she did. Aunt Marian....long gone, but certainly not forgotten.

I saw a talk once where the speaker took a very large piece of white paper, and carefully put a tiny black dot in the middle of the paper, then went on with his talk. In a bit, he gestured to the paper and said "what do you see". Of course, everybody said "a little black dot".

then he said, "Isn't it interesting that this black dot takes up only the tiniest percentage of this paper, but not one of you noticed the huge expanse of white paper, you zeroed right in on that tiny dot. That's how we are in life.....we zero in on our troubles and problems, without being conscious of the huge piece of white paper that is our life in general, and should be noticed as well.

I try, not always successfully, whenever I complain about something, to pair with it, something positive, often about the same thing. Because every cloud really DOES have its silver lining, and every situation carries within it some positive elements, if we only seek them out. I try to remember Aunt Marian, and I also remember that sheet of paper, and make an effort to see that big expanse of white paper instead of just the tiny dot.

One thing that I notice about chronic complainers is that it really IS a habit. Most of the time, they aren't even aware that they are doing it, and are clueless as to why people often avoid them, or show signs of wanting to escape. Sometimes, I joke and say something like "Well, enough of all the sunshine and rainbows....isn't there anything WRONG in your life right now?", but.........

[leslieann]

Lovely story, LC. Wish I had met your Aunt Marian.

[Charity]

Loosechickens....I really wish my sister could have met Aunt Marian. And the "rainbows and sunshine" line is a great one. I think I'll try it on her. Then I'll duck just in case.

[JaneV2.0]

I love people like Aunt Marian--so refreshing! I remember being in a conversation with a "black dot" person and after listening to one tale of woe after another, I finally asked "Has anything good happened to you lately?" I try to maintain the mindset that everything usually works out for the best; not always easy, but usually possible.

"Are women more passive aggressive? Are they more into control issues?"

Traditionally, women gossip/talk about people behind their backs more than men (not that men don't gossip), and I suspect passive aggression and resentment brought about by economic dependence may also play a part. Probably Deborah Tannen knows.

[catherine]

I also LOVE your story LC! Very inspirational. You've written a great tribute to her. I was lucky to have a couple of women similar to Aunt Marian as role models in my life and I know what a positive aura they transmit.

One of my favorite lines by Thicn Nhat Hanh is: "When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is happiness. But later, when we don't have a toothache, we don't treasure our non-toothache."

[Stella]

I wish I had met Aunt Marian too. I strive to be an Aunt Marian. Maybe by the time I'm in my 90s I'll get there.