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Thread: Dreading Christmas and Thanksgiving

  1. #11
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    I married into a family that had a tradition of Christmas gifts. Everyone got things for all the kids.And the kids' kids. Somewhere in the recent past, but before my arrival, an arrangement was made that there would be drawing of names for the adults, but that all the kids below college age would get something from everyone. This, too, has become cumbersome. Because there was an insistence that everyone be involved, even though people lived as far away as Oregon and Florida.

    Being the newcomer to the family I had some leeway as to ideas. Also, I'm not afraid to make someone uncomfortable if reality requires it. So... Last year, after over a year's worth of pressing, I got the family to stop the drawing of names for the extended family and the giving of gifts to all the kids. Jeeze! The kids included children of nephews and nieces! Now, there is no giving of gifts except within immediate families. None of this extended family stuff.

    My commitment to not having clutter and the accumulation of things won out. While I must say that my DH did not support me in my campaign, the whole family finally came around to confessing that they wanted to stop all the giving and last Christmas was the first trial of the new plan. Everyone seemed satisfied.

    Moral of the story: sometimes it takes a steadfast soul to drag others toward what they wanted all along.

  2. #12
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Just a thought to share. We approached the extended family about discontinuing the whole gift business many years ago just because it was enough of the hassle, not knowing what to get, the level of stress etc. My point is that one does not need to be unemployed to say "enough already!" No apologies.

    We buy gifts for DGS and enjoy the rest of the immediate family with a nice meal when they are able to come for a visit. We don't meet with extended family around the holidays but only when the opportunity comes up.

    Having said that, if one of us needs a hand, we try to be there in some practical way.

    For Thanksgiving in Canada this past weekend, my DH had commented several times that I was getting too stressed about the meal prep so I simply ordered Chinese food. No muss, no fuss. Life is not worth getting stressed about things that can be changed.

    LIB, you can do whatever gives you peace of mind. Not because you are unemployed but because this is what you choose to do. Go for it!

  3. #13
    Senior Member leslieann's Avatar
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    Here's a hug, lady (((((ladyinblack1964)))))). I feel blessed that my step mother hosts a fun thanksgiving. The biggest blessing of this gathering is that there are NO EXPECTATIONS except if you come, you'll do your best to be good company. I love it. I understand that this is a rare thing, though, and so I appreciate it hugely.

    I am sure you will be able to find something that feels okay to you and your DH (that's the priority, as I see it, anyway....how it feels to YOU) and the recommendation to remember that you are not responsible for how other people FEEL about your choices is a good one. (Not easy, especially if you habitually take on other people's feelings, but a good recommendation).

    Blessings to you, however you decide to have (or not have) your holidays. After all it is your life....and your holidays....too!

    DH and I did this the first couple of years we were together: both reeling and still wounded from divorces, hating the holidays and missing our respective children, we made a little list of what was important to us for Christmas and then tried to work from there. It was a good exercise and helped me to cut through the crap.

  4. #14
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    You might be surprised. My mom's family is quite wealthy and when I was a kid they were pretty materialistic. When we decided to ease off the gifts, sometime in my teens, I think, we were all just fine with it. It's been years and years since we did any major gift giving and all is well.

    $75 for desserts seems like a lot. Is it because there are a lot of people or because you tend to bring a wide variety of desserts? Maybe it would simplify things to make 1-2 kinds of desserts. Maybe something cheap, like homemade cake or brownies. Even if you make several pans of brownies it's not especially expensive or hard. Maybe do a variety of bars. Those are easy and cheap and there are lots of variations. Plain brownies, brownies with mint, brownies with or']ange or raspberry, blondies, cookie bars, etc. Or homemade gingerbread cake. That's cheap and easy too, and very Christmasy. Maybe gingerbread and a flourless chocolate cake for the gluten free crowd. That would not be too expensive.
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  5. #15
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    I am always amazed by the number of family issue that come up around the holidaWon't don't have any of that in my family. Are we "normal" or strange? It seems we are in the minority.
    Good advice given here, I think.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Bastelmutti's Avatar
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    Of course, you should be able to opt out of everything if you want to. I had two "scaled down" ideas if you still wish to participate in some of these festivities. Rice pudding is a good, inexpensive, gluten-free dessert. Pretty much everyone likes it, and a giant bowl would cost maybe $5. You could even pair it with some chocolate or fruit if you want to spruce it up.

    Also, my family is relatively small, but we decided a few Christmases ago to do an inexpensive, fun activity in lieu of gifts with the cousins + spouses (total of 12 of us - not all might attend each time). We each buy a bottle of wine and decorate it, then everyone votes on a winner. Winner gets the traveling Christmas vest (a really "unique" vest my aunt received as a gift and donated for this purpose), and everyone takes home someone else's bottle of wine. It helps, of course, if everyone is a wine drinker!

  7. #17
    Senior Member fidgiegirl's Avatar
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    ladyinblack, sorry to hear about all this. The holidays are supposed to be joyous but they are a weight for so many. I have experienced this, too, though not to the degree you are feeling it.

    This won't help you, but is just another thought to add to the gifting aspect. I think I have learned from other people's families is to avoid starting the giving of gifts to the children of the extended family. It sounds so mean to put it like that. What I mean is, I think what happens is that people give to the first niece/nephew/grandchild/child of a cousin/etc. because it's the only one. Or they go really whole-hog, because heck, it's only one kid, and it's so cute! And it's the first! But then pretty soon there are 10 nieces and nephews or all of your cousins have 2 kids each within 5 years and eek! It's out of control! But the first kid has nothing to compare the whole gift-giving thing to. First kid is just a baby, and will learn whatever s/he is taught, whether that be that ALL the aunties and uncles and cousins are going to give lots of goodies or that they are not, but that s/he is still loved. So I'm hoping we can take that as a caution in our family, at least with nieces and nephews (if any ever come to exist). If we never start, or at least never start on a large scale, we'll never have to have this angst and explaining to children and hurt feelings about having to stop.

    It feels so wrong to even write this, maybe I just didn't put it quite right even though I know what I'm thinking isn't mean, but then it also feels wrong to think about people in ladyinblack's situation, or to have watched my friend's 3 year old so overwhelmed with the presents at his birthday that he couldn't even open them all, or to hear my friend tell how she and her husband are strapped but her sister has had seven kids and my friend feels she can't discontinue gift giving to her nieces and nephews at a certain level.

    Love the folded bill idea, though. Still a little something special to say "I love you and was thinking of you," but affordable and memorable.
    Kelli

    My gluten free blog: Twin Cities Gluten Free
    Our house remodel blog: Our Fair Abode

  8. #18
    Low Tech grunt iris lily's Avatar
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    I always think that those who are rigid in their expectations that XMAS et al must encompass a pile 'o gifts and a groaning table 'o food are probably lacking in imagination. We must recognize that lack, but that doesn't mean that we have to acquiesce.

  9. #19
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    And of course you can opt out of even spending the holidays with your family and just do something fun and inexpensive/free with DH. I and my ex-DH have always had jobs that required us to work on holidays so we never spent holidays with other family members - either his large family opr my small one. So DH and I often just sent a "family" gift for everyone - usually a big box of not-too-expensive chocolates - to who ever was hosting his family Christmas get together rather then many individual gifts. After we were living near my small family (Mom and Sis) we still worked holidays as did my sister. So when we'd get off work, we'd grab my Mom and just do something fun like go ride our bikes or hike or whatever. Maybe exchange a few inexpensive fun gifts (which we nicknamed SSG - small ****ty gifts ;-)), drink a little (or alot) of eggnog and have a very simple dinner instead of spending time flying all over the country to visit his large family. He would do that when he had more time off. So you don't HAVE to spend the holidays together if it's too stressful and too costly for you. Just tell your family that you and DH decided to spend a romantic time for the holidays at home this year and don't feel guilty about it. Send on small "family" gift for everyone to share and enjoy a quiet (and romantic) day at home with DH.

  10. #20
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    I love Spartana's suggestion. Tell tehma ll you two are having a romantic Christmas just the two of you and then send a small family gift for all to enjoy-basket of fruit, or cake, or cookies.

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