Struggling with my dad, who has Alzheimer's

[JaneV2.0]

It's not unusual for people to know when they are about to die. Some have predicted the very day. Others experience departed loved ones coming for them. It's important to acknowledge and respect what he's saying to you. He has to be frustrated that he's trying to convey something personal and profound that you don't want to hear. Not that I blame you. But if you pay close attention, you may catch a glimpse of the divine.

[Anne Lee]

At some point, I hope you can tell your father that you understand when he needs to go. Bless him, as it were, so he doesn't feel guilty about leaving you. This is a really really hard thing to do as acknowledging the end is near makes it so much more real. But in the long run, I think it's for the best for both of you.

Take care of yourself as walking a parent to heaven's gate takes a lot out of a person.

[Gina]

Take care of yourself as walking a parent to heaven's gate takes a lot out of a person.

That's beautiful.

When my elderly father was dying, I sat by his bed and had a tape of his favorite opera music playing quietly near him. I talked softly to him about relaxing and letting go, I told him I loved him, thanked him, and told him that we all would be fine... He died later that night.

[Tenngal]

we recently lost one of our close friends from church. He was 84 yrs old and ate lunch with us each Sunday. After he lost his wife about 6 yrs ago, he had a hard time adjusting, but he did. Got into a routine of visiting a local cafe and hangout for breakfast and lunch. It was very good for him to sit and talk with the same group of friends each day. He discovered he had cancer and did not want to do any treatments. Said over and over "I've had a good long life with many friends", "pray for me, but do not pray for me to get better, I am ready to go." It was disturbing, but I can see how I would feel the same way. He lasted a few months and always made the same request. When he could no longer keep up his routine which he enjoyed, he was ready to move on. Good luck to you.

[H-work]

"I don't think I'm going to be here for much longer."

Does he mean he thinks he's going to die or that the horrible disease is taking "him" away. Maybe he noticed how he slips into and out of his awareness and how the disease is taking a stronger and stronger hold. He may live many years, but lost in the disease.

It is horrible. My mom, had a long battle with Parkinsons, the type with severe dementia. It was so hard on me and my brother because we really lost her when the Pakinson's took her mind.

[kevinw1]

In Dec 2008 during our Xmas phone call, my Dad (almost 80) told me that he had done everything he wanted to do, and was now just here to keep Mum company. His health had been going downhill quickly over the previous 6 months, and continued to do so: he died a month later. We found that he had been making numerous preparations: packing things up, labeling them, giving things away.

If it feels right to you, you could let him know simply that's it's OK to go when it's time.

Kevin

[Zigzagman]

His Alzheimer's has gotten so much worse this past year. Some days, he just makes some sounds. I know he thinks he's talking but it's gibberish. He's had some small strokes, which doesn't help since the one side of his face is pretty droopy. I go over to his house several times a week to talk, do some physical therapy and bring him treats. He's been really out of it lately, so many times I leave practically in tears. He's just this bent over shriveled up old man that bears no resemblance to my dad -- or at least the one I remember.

Anyway, I was really encouraged today when I arrived because there was this look in his eyes. The vacant stare was gone. He was there. He was connecting. We did his exercises and then I got him some chocolate. He's still not using the arm on the side where he broke his shoulder in the fall. I'm trying to get him to use that hand by using it to eat candy. I call it is chocolate therapy and tell him I'm jealous.

We were having a nice visit and then he says, "I don't think I'm going to be here for much longer." I knew exactly what he meant, but I acted as if I didn't. "Here in your house? This chair?" "No. Alive," he tells me. It's not the first time we've had this discussion, but we haven't had it in awhile. It was as if today he woke up and suddenly realized what his life has become, trapped in his house, in his chair, in his body.

"Just hang on," I tell him. "It will get better. Brandon's going to be graduating soon. Don't you want to see him graduate from college." He's not convinced. "I think 87 years is enough. I'm done." By then, I'm pleading with him. "The snow will melt soon. We can start going out for walks and see all of the flowering trees. You'll like that. We can sit outside and listen to the birds sing and feel the sun on our faces." He relents. "Okay. I'll try."

A victory. But I am not comforted. In my heart, I know he's right. I'm just not ready to let go.

My Dad died of a stroke after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I considered it a blessing for both him and my Mom, although I certainly wasn't ready for him to leave. I still miss him and wish I had been closer during his ordeal. I actually think he might have "hurried" his demise on purpose with his blood pressure medicine. He would have good days and bad days but on the good days he knew something was wrong and seemed confused on what to do.

I think you are dealing with your situation exactly right - you sound like a wonderful daughter. If your Mom is still alive, how is she dealing with it?

Peace and Love

[simplelife2]

I think you are dealing with your situation exactly right - you sound like a wonderful daughter. If your Mom is still alive, how is she dealing with it?

Peace and Love

Thanks for all of the feedback from everyone. When I wrote the OP, I had just left his house so I was feeling pretty raw.

He has a pacemaker and nothing is terminally wrong. His biggest problem has been falls, but he's really starting to get the message about unassisted movement. I guess he could have a really bad fall or a more serious stroke. My sister has POA and he has a DNR, so if anything that would require major intervention, we are all on the same page about letting him go.

My mom died 11 years ago. He still lives at home with two of my brothers, who are his primary caregivers. I live close by so I spend time with him as much as possible. All of the family tries to pitch in, so that's been really good. One of my brothers is in charge of doctors and medicines, so he is given his pills and can't make any "mistakes." He's a strict Catholic, so I know he wouldn't hasten anything. I think this is just going to be a very long goodbye.

Upon reflection, I understand what people are saying about "releasing" him and I will try to be braver the next time in a loving way. But, as I said, nothing is imminent. Yesterday, he had some clarity and that's why he brought it up. It's not the first time he's talked about it. He had always been so active -- a steelworker, landscaper, gardener, golfer, handyman, etc. -- that it just is so hard for him to be so limited and confined. Earlier on, we tried some community-based senior programs and an Alzheimer's daycare program, but he hated all of it. Now, he requires too much individual attention for that to work.

We live in the Chicago area and this winter has been particularly bad, so I think it is intensifying things for him. When it's nicer, I'm able to take him for walks and attend things like community concerts. He's not one that socialized a lot or enjoyed going out to eat or movies, but he'll let me take him places after putting up a little fuss, but only if I stay with him. That's why I was focusing a lot on looking ahead and getting outside.

But, like I said I really see what others are saying about me telling him it's okay to let go, hard as that is. Thanks for listening.

[loosechickens]

I don't have any good advice, simplelife2, just some warm thoughts coming your way for strength and courage to get you and your family through this terrible time. Neither of my parents had Alzheimer's, but I did see my father through a slow death from lung cancer and was with him 24/7 during his last days and there holding his hand when he died at home, so do have some understanding of your grief and feeling of helplessness.

It was a shock when my mother died, suddenly, in apparent good health, at 91, after bringing in her newspaper and getting ready to sit down with a glass of milk to read it.......but in retrospect, think it was certainly easier on her and on us as well.

I know from seeing what friends in real life have gone through with a parent or spouse with Alzheimer's, that there is a special misery as your loved one disappears, while the shell that person used to be is still there.

Cyberhugs......lots of them, coming your way.........

[lhamo]

I don't know if it would be helpful in your situation, but I just listened to an interview on my local NPR station by the author of this book and an Alzheimer's patient:

http://www.amazon.com/Jans-Story-Lov...4979624&sr=8-8

The book author spoke quote eloquently about the toll that the disease takes on caregivers. Reviews of the book seem very positive. Might be worth checking out, if only to have some insight from another person whose life has been affected by this awful disease.

I agree that sometimes elderly people know when it is time. My grandmother was ready to go many years before she finally did -- she was a devout Christian and was more than ready to meet her maker and be reunited with my grandfather, my dad, and other family she believed were waiting on the other side. She was mentally very alert right up to the end. Her body just gave out on her. A few weeks before her death the family decided it would be best if she went to a family group home situation, as she was becoming unable to keep up with daily living tasks and my mom (who lived next door) was not in a position to be a full-time caregiver. She was always very independent, and although she agreed with the decision I think the loss of her independence did affect her mental and physical health. I wasn't close by at the time, but I understand she went downhill pretty quickly after that.

lhamo