Thrift-Gifts?

[iris lily]

well zoe, I hope that you figure it out. The reason I can be so blase about gift giving is that my family and DH's too are not materialistic people when all is said and done. DH's family gave gifts when all of the nieces and nephews were little, and small adult gifts just sort of happened along with that. Christmas gifts are for kids. When they all grew up everyone lost their enthusiasm for it.

I remember when my black sheep sister-in-law first proposed "please let's stop presents" for DH's family but that did not go over, she's not the leader of the siblings. But she DID plant the seed, and a few years later the tradition was given up. I also think it's weird that your parents don't cut you slack. We are the age of your parents and DH and I would be glad to NOT get presents from our kids. Lovely family Christmas experiences can be had by all without gift giving, and it is too bad that when you mother wails "but it is Christmas!" she can't think of anything besides gifting to celebrate it.

You can use the "love language" stuff but really, it's about sharing values. You don't share the values of your family and you can't change that and probably you won't experience a "real" connection for any sustained period, harsh as that may be to contemplate.

[iris lily]

...

what do you get a 1 yr old who has more furniture than you do? more toys than you can count? I simply have no idea. But it can't be merino wool clothing because my sister is allergic. hmm.

for me, the 1 year old would be the easiest. You get him a board book. A kiwi title that he won't already have.

[lizii]

Zoe, it's true that some people are allergic to wool. I am allergic to even 1% wool, so I have to read the tag in every garment I buy.

[sweetana3]

Zoebird, perhaps if you saw their actions as a form of control? They are controlling you and your family with their demands and exclusion.

But if all it takes is some presents and the cost is not affecting your family, well maybe? Then again, it would be wise to keep a constant eye on whether the relationship you want is anything they can provide. Some families are not close, supportive, welcoming, etc. Or find the relative that is what you want and work on that relationship.

[Zoebird]

lizii -- i believe that people are allergic to wool. the issue is, my sister will tell me she is allergic to wool while wearing a wool sweater. she likes drama and will do whatever to create it. The typical scenario is i give object, everyone says "ooh, nice object you chose for your sister" and sensing that i'm getting approval, she'll come up with "but my doctor said i'm allergic" or "this gives me trouble!" in a shaming, how dare you tone, and then everyone disapproves -- oh, it's wool, yes, well, how didn't you know that your sister is suddenly, magically allergic to wool?

I made a gift for her son that was made from a combination of alpaca and angora fiber -- no wool -- and it was a hanging object, so not like anyone would touch it. And she screams at me via Skype when everyone was complimenting it "DON"T YOU REALIZE I"M ALLERGIC TO ALL ANIMAL FUR AND DANDER!" she has two cats and two dogs living in her home. it can't be that bad, and it's not like the alpaca-angora fiber art is going to "tip the scales' against her allergies. So then everyone goes "right, didn't you realize that?" and I'm like "well, we grew up with a cat and she never had this problem, and she has two cats and two dogs, and apparently doesn't have this problem, but my fiber art for her baby creates tis problem?"

No doubt, if i send a card book, she'll suddenly have a medical issue with books, cardboard, the ink, words, or something else. But, there are a number of books here that everyone loves (kiwi books), so i will send that -- thanks for the suggestion. The Wonky Donkey even comes with a song/CD, so that might be a good one.

it's hard to explain the dynamic, but my parents need to indulge my sister's every whim, and my sister gets the most indulgence when she has a "medical" reason for her whims and dramas.

i do have a very close aunt, and she's noticed that my family seems very different now than 5-10 years ago, and that my sister and my parents have gotten closer (or more intertwined), and that my aunt and i are more 'on the outs' or difficult for them to understand.

i know that my family loves and cares about me -- and they are coming here for christmas (my parents) which i found shocking because they hate to travel and i never expected them to come. But, i'm very nervous about their coming because the trip. I'm hoping not to end up with a lot of criticism because i know my lifestyle isn't "perfect" yet (i have goals too!), but we are really happy with it overall.

likewise, my secondary fear is that my sister will intercept them again. Last christmas, i worked hard to get our Skype set up for a christmas chat (while on the road, at 7 am, so that we could make our ferry by 9 for our trip), and they were no-shows because my sister created a drama and they had to go and rescue her.

I will be interested to see if my sister has herself hospitalized before they leave so that they can't come and have to say and take care of my nephew. And, if she does, whether or not my parents will travel or go to my sister's aid.

[flowerseverywhere]

A Christmas call with a sister screaming at you after you tried to send a nice gift. And you still trying to find the perfect gift for her. And your parents might cancel their plans to see you.

I am interested if anyone has anything to say that would be helpful after this post, I sure don't.

[Zoebird]

this is what is normal in my world.

and seriously, i know my parents are earnest, they just have a very different relationship to/with my sister.

[treehugger]

and seriously, i know my parents are earnest, they just have a very different relationship to/with my sister.

These issues are clearly way beyond the search for the perfect present. I know that you know this. But it's up to you; you can continue to stress about this every year and then have poor results anyway, or you can decide to quit the games and at least not have to keep worrying about what presents to buy and send.

I think most parents, whether they admit it or not, have different relationships with their different children. Not saying it's necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. Of course, sometimes it does truly suck. And that's when, as adults, we have to learn to shrug it off, ignore it, or whatever we need to do to get on with our lives. I think you may be at this point. You can't fix this situation, but you can work towards keeping it from constantly hurting you.

I have 4 parents and 6 siblings, and my parents all love all of their other kids more than they love me. Now, I'm not saying I am completely blameless, but it hurts anyway, still, today, at the age of 37. But it's on me now to get over it. My parents are who they are. They aren't going to change, so I need to. Easier said than done? Hell yeah. I am a work in progress.

Best of luck to you, seriously.

Kara

[Zoebird]

after some contemplation on the matter, these familial issues are secondary actually.

i think the main issue is about the pressure around the holiday and what it requires.

first off, i actually like giving gifts. it really is a joy. when i find something that i think someone will like, unless it's well out of my budget, i will buy it and give it to them! So, it's not as if giving gifts is a big issue in and of itself.

second, i am sometimes disappointed/upset that i can't afford to buy the things that I would like to buy for people. today, I saw a really beautiful piece of art that I know my mother would love. BUT, at $250, it's out of my price range.

so, the real issue is not the gift, or even the price point to an extent, but really the fact that the situation is "enforced."

If it was January 9th and i found a gift and bought it and sent it, it would be well received. no worries there. if i happened to find something on Dec 9, and it happened to be around christmas, no problem.

the real issue is when i have to *shop* around christmas, looking for items to fit the bill, such that i really feel like i'm just buying something for the sake of buying something, rather than serendipitously finding something and thinking to get it for someone. And, I don't care for shopping, as it is, so it's not exactly how i want to spend a good deal of time and some money.

I think i get pent up and frustrated about that, because it just seems like a big, big waste.

And, the whole disapproval, guilt trip, whatever stuff. . . that's really all secondary. It's sort of the way of life. i'm used to it really. BUT, i think it gets compounded for me when i have to be "put out" by both shopping and buying something for the sake of buying it AND it gets disapproved, as opposed to buying something serendipitously, and then it gets disapproved.

btw, i did pick up my nephew's gift -- and decided because what i found was on sale, i'd keep a set for next year. so this year it's a set of three books; and next year a set of three books. if i keep on the book/music theme, we'll be in decent shape. oddly, i hadn't thought of it, which is silly. LOL