Young men afraid of committment?

[CathyA]

Thanks everyone,
Great discussion here! I appreciate all the input!

[Spartana]

CathyA, good for your for stopping yourself before going down the path of blaming your daughter for attracting creeps. My parents did this to me from day one. They savaged my self-esteem and my sexual and social confidence with a constant rain of comments like this. I felt like I wasn't safe to go outside. My parents had some severe emotional problems that they never recognized or got help with, and you're not at ALL in this category. I'm just relating what happened to me.

Yes - it's counterproductive to try to make your daughter over into someone who can attract guys. It's not her. Most people suck. Of the group of guys that would be dateable for her, only something like, I don't know, five percent would even be worth looking at. And this is true for everyone.

It's not her. Your daughter is a lovely, talented, capable and strong girl, and she has a beautiful soul. Some guy will figure this out. I'm not saying it'll happen tomorrow, but it will happen!

Oh, and she's got a terrific mom too!

Agreed! It seems that women are constantly bombarded with books, magazines, TV shows, friends and family and even thier own parents (usually their own parents) telling them what they should and shouldn't do, how they should or shouldn't act, how they should look, what job and hobies they should have, etc... etc.. on and on just to "get" a man. No wonder women are so confused - especially when it doesn't seem that advice works or is so demoralizing that women run and hide in caves to keep from interacting with men. So instead of trying to make someone over into some poster girl of "Ms. Right", just lovingly tell her she's perfect and to be herself and she'll meet someone (hopefully locally) that she clicks with. All my life my Mom endlessly told me I had to change the way I was - the way I dressed, the way I talked, the hobbies I had, the work I did, etc.. - or I'd never attract a man. Boy was she wrong! Not only did I meet a great guy who not only accepted me for myself, but actually liked and admired me because I was the way I was. And there have been other men who have felt the same in my life. So CathyA encourage your DD to be herself and put herself in places where she wants to be, and she'll meet someone who admires her for who she is even if it's not what the books and magazines tell her is who she "should" be.

[1tolivesimply]

DD is a really intense person, so maybe that scares the guys.

That may be the case, especially if she gets too intense too soon after they start dating -Not a problem if the guy is really interested-

It's not a men thing though, I'm a 29 and have been having a hard time finding women who want to commit...

[Gregg]

I've always been a little curious about people who think its better to get married early, or people who think its better to wait. Isn't it better to settle down with the right person and not be so concerned with timing? Let's face it, relationships are HARD. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. There just isn't a good way that I know of to make the stars align.

CathyA, my wife is steel willed, intelligent, passionate and all around a very strong person. If we had met when I was 21 she (rightfully) wouldn't have given me the time of day. Pretty much all the way through my 20's I was not secure enough or mature enough to be good in a long term relationship. We can talk till we're blue in the face about why so many young men seem to be like that, but it won't really help your daughter. By the time I met my wife I had been knocked down by the world once or twice and had scored a few victories. Gaining a little humility, some self-confidence and enough knowledge to avoid repeating most of my really stupid mistakes was what it took to be compatible with a strong partner. If your daughter stays true to herself then at some point a guy who appreciates that, and can handle that, will come along.

[loosechickens]

Gregg....what a GREAT post.....and so true. Neither my sweetie nor I would have EVER married each other when we were in our twenties....I was busy chasing "shiny red apples", and wouldn't have given my beloved husband of nearly 32 years now the time of day, him not being nearly glamorous enough for me, and he, who had visions of having six kids and a quiet wife who wouldn't question him would have had no interest in this much older, unable to have more children and very strong, opinionated, woman.

Yet, when we met, I'd had the rough edges of that desire for glamor knocked right out of me after a huge divorce from the famous (at the time) horse trainer I'd married, my sweetie had matured enough to value brains and strength of personality, and had also realized that it isn't necessary all the time to have your own kids when there are so many in need of mentoring, etc., and we have been ecstatically happy for more than three decades......

It's probably a blessing that your daughter hasn't found her life partner at an early age.......it may well save her from a "starter marriage", and when she does find the right guy, have a much better chance of long term success in the relationship.

[CathyA]

Thanks Gregg and LC...........good stuff!