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Thread: Family Feud (yes, the fun continues)

  1. #11
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    I just wanted to add that if you are up for it feel free to post snippets of your sister's email and your points. If you think that would be cathartic you should do it, but sometimes it's best to just delete it and forget it....whatever would make you feel better

  2. #12
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    (((lady in black))) Hugs to you.
    I have no suggestions for you; I'm just empty in that department. But if you are having suicidal thoughts, please get help now! I don't know what might be available to you in your area, but this would probably be well worth the expense, even though money is tight. There might be a time when it is less likely there would be street people at the clinic, but it might be possible to get help at your local hospital. If you know or hear of a minister at a local church, many will meet with you even if you are not a member of their congregation. If you want to celebrate quietly with your DH at home, then go ahead and do it. Just make sure it doesn't turn into a time when you both wallow in depression.

  3. #13
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    redfox, thanks for the book recommendation; i'm going to check it out!

    ---

    ladyinblack,

    as others have said, definitely seek some outside help. picking out a friend or connection whom you trust that you can go to if you feel particularly desperate or upset is very important and helpful.

    calling a crisis line can also help set you up for counseling. they often have a lot of resources at their disposal that can help you. Also, sometimes it is just helpful to have someone listen (i worked at a line in university). it's ok, really. that's why those lines exist.

    i'm so sorry that your sister's email wasn't pleasant and that it upset you so.

    it is true that no one knows or understands your situation. it's also ok that they don't or can't. it really is. it just means you have to do what is right for yourself -- no excuses for them. I know, all too well, how hard it is to get to that point.

  4. #14
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    Just sending some hugs and good thoughts.
    If there is a support center available to you, go and try to get the help you need. If the other clients there frighten you, go anyway, but take DH with you.
    Crisis line can also be a good source of support or allow you just to vent to a neutral and trained person.

  5. #15
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    Back in the day I lived in a University town. The graduate students in Guidance and Counseling gave free group counseling and very cheap individual counseling. It is what it is, and was helpful for me to get a 3rd person to talk to and get some perspective. The upside/downside is that the people change every semester or every academic year, but it can be helpful to start over every once in awhile anyway. Something to check out. Also, if you can find a 12-step Adult Children of Alcoholics group, that is the group that finally made my life make sense, and when the couseling finally started to really help.
    Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!
    formerly known as Paula P

  6. #16
    Senior Member Miss Cellane's Avatar
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    I have to explain that she does not really know my husband's situation as to why he does not work. Or that I was (ahem) "let go" from my last four (yes, you read that correctly) jobs.
    In your sister's defense, based on the above, she really doesn't know the whole truth about your situation. She's writing about the situation as she thinks it is, not the situation as it really is.

    Now, that doesn't mean that she gets to be mean and toxic. But if you aren't willing to tell her the whole truth, then you have to expect that she won't have the correct take on what's really going on in your life. Don't tell your DH about the email--I don't see how it could possibly help you, him or your sister to have him read something that is based on false assumptions.

    I think you need to find a safe place to vent, one where you are comfortable telling everything that is bothering you. Your sister clearly isn't that place. Please do look for someone/somewhere that you can go for help.

  7. #17
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Sending lots of cyber hugs.

    Dear LIB, you have value and merit way beyond what you feel right now. Do you have a crisis line that you can phone for a safe place to vent. Those answering do have some crisis training and know what options are available.

    FWIW, I would not post any emails from anyone online as it is simply wrong to do so to another. You would feel deeply wronged if anyone did it to you.

    You have and know that you have intelligence, strength, love, insight, wisdom, persistence, hope, tenderness, knowledge of right and wrong, kindness, understanding, and so many other wonderful qualities that make you a truly unique, valuable and important person. Claim them as being you and no one else's opinion will hurt as much.

  8. #18
    Senior Member beckyliz's Avatar
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    I encourage you to stay home with your DH for Christmas this year. As far as the guilt is concerned, treat yourself like you would a best friend and be good to yourself. It's okay and necessary to put yourself (and DH) first sometimes and this sounds like one of those times!
    "Do not accumulate for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal. But accumulate for yourselves treasure in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart is also." Jesus

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miss Cellane View Post
    In your sister's defense, based on the above, she really doesn't know the whole truth about your situation. She's writing about the situation as she thinks it is, not the situation as it really is.

    Now, that doesn't mean that she gets to be mean and toxic. But if you aren't willing to tell her the whole truth, then you have to expect that she won't have the correct take on what's really going on in your life. Don't tell your DH about the email--I don't see how it could possibly help you, him or your sister to have him read something that is based on false assumptions.
    I do not think my sister meant to be mean and toxic. But her method of what I should do to "make" my husband get a job--i.e., threaten him with a divorce...well, that's not the kind of life I want to have.

    I should make a few points clear here:

    1. I think she does know I was fired from my past four jobs, but somehow might have forgotten. Being my sister, she might also be slightly prejudiced in my favor.

    2. In addition to emotional issues, my DH now has physical issues that will prevent him from working in his former field. It's very hard for him to come up with something he thinks he can do. The two sets of issues play on each other.

    3. If my sister thinks I have never actually tried to say to him, "enough is enough; get a job," well, she's short-sighted. I'm not a moron.

    4. We were in counseling together, addressing this very issue, and he kept telling the counselor he would get a job. That was in Feb. He has been saying this for years. As I mentioned earlier, I was in individual therapy for years, and spent YEARS talking about this. My counselor, Kay, basically said it came down to this: He may not be able to work ever again, and I needed to accept this.

    It was a lot easier to accept when I was making $40K a year with benefits.

    I have no wish to return to counseling. I have been in counseling, on and off, since I was 14 years old. I am almost 50. I am familiar with rational emotive behavioral therapy, which is pretty much the only thing that has worked. I may call a crisis line if it comes down to that. But I have talked to friends, family, pen pals...nobody knows what to say. It either comes down to, "I'm so sorry" or "why don't you throw the bum out?" And "hang in there."

    Human beings can only do so much. I've begun praying too, praying that God will "cure" my husband...and I'm not getting any replies from Up There either.

    I surely do not mean to knock anyone's suggestions here. REALLY. It is hard for me to describe the myriad of emotions I am experiencing. As someone said, it is complex.

    I think I will check out that book, for sure, though.

    I thank you for listening...and for understanding. And helping me keep this in perspective.

  10. #20
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    ladyinblack,

    I want to mention this as a possibility for you that has really worked for us: Brain Entrainment meditations. They are expensive, but I can see if I can at least get the basic ones to you in a way that is inexpensive -- if you would be open.

    There's a whole book about how it all works, but basically, what happens is that sound is used to put your brain into certain wave patters. This actually changes the way that your brain works, so that you can overcome stress, depression, anxiety and so on.

    Several months ago, my husband and I started this process. We have years of therapy behind us too, and my husband struggles with deep, deep anxiety. We realized that "story" was no longer going to help. Behavior modification was beneficial, but he wasn't "pushing through" into where he wanted to be. I was getting stressed trying to encourage him to "keep up" with where we are and where we are going.

    A friend put out his book about brain entrainment in our waiting room, and we both devoured it in a day and a half. Then, he loaned us his starter CD. It's just one, but in the month that we have done it -- AMAZING results. Seriously, I can't even explain it.

    After this first CD, you have to buy "higher levels" -- and those are generally personalized. SO. . . that's where money comes in, and I know you are not there yet.

    But there may be no-cost or low-cost versions that can help.

    And, it's truly "easy.' You just get comfy in a chair and listen to this music for 30-60 mins. Our first CD is rain plus gong sounds, and it's SUPER relaxing. I LOVE IT!

    So, i'm just putting it out there as a something you can look into. We're currently using holosync, but our friend also likes. . .i think it's called life flow?

    Anyway, you can look into it, and i'll see if there is a free way to get ahold of these things.

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