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Thread: Leaving a narcissistic boss/job

  1. #1
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    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    When I face any challenge with emotion, I try to find a principle that will guide my actions and that gets the emotion out of the way. What value or principle do you use to make decisions? Rehearse and rehearse and deliver.
    Good luck and succeed!
    "How will you serve the world? What do they need that you can provide? The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is." (Jim Carrey)

  3. #3
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Can you go directly through HR and not thru the boss to quit? I guess if it is that bad that you fear your own safety and there is no HR department I would leave a notarized resignation letter along with a restraining order at the end of your shift. Forget giving a notice.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  4. #4
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    Well I'm assuming it's not quite as bad as some think above and there is no physical danger just fear of verbal putdowns and so on.

    Then it's just a job. Just quit (yea do what you must financially obviously). But when you can ... quit, of course giving two weeks notice is fine, presuming there is no physical danger, but you don't have to. People quit jobs all the time for any reason at all, usually with notice but extrodinary circumstances call for extrodinary measures (quitting without notice). Send a resignation email to the boss and HR, that's it.

    And I'm so nervous about what she'll do / how she will try to continue to attack me, even as I'm leaving. If anyone resonates with any of this, please share- some wisdom, or ideas, or just commiserate!
    If there is not any threat of physical violence, then frankly you only feel this way because you have been in an abusive relationship for many years (an abusive presumably non-romantic employee-employer relationship). It has weakened your confidence, maybe in your job abilities, but also in your right to be treated decently (including at work). If you get in a work environment where you are treated decently (which is most of them, at least in a professional setting) you will first be shell shocked from your last experience always expecting the worst and the other shoe to drop. And then continually surprised it doesn't happen until you have soon emotionally recovered. I had a verbally (stricly verbal) abusive boss once (for 9 months in a recession :\). That was my experience when I started a new job moving on from that. It is initially amazing to not be abused and treated decently at work! Then you realize how NORMAL it is to be treated with basic respect.

    If you fear is of bad reviews when looking for jobs in the future just don't give that boss as a reference. It's hard since people may ask, but give coworkers who appreciate your work, prior bosses, project managers, etc. as your reference instead.
    I hope that someone saves a seat for me on the last plane out

  5. #5
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    I am sure it will not be as bad as your worst imagination, however I say that as someone who was shocked by things my ex-husband did. I am no longer naive. I know others guaged it by physical violence, but a huge factor is damage control of what they can do. A true NPD is very charming, manipulative and not dealing with the same reality. So documentation is crucial, whatever you do, say and what your work has been like over time needs documentation and back up from anyone else who would reasonably know your work. And you may have to play him/her. This is your life and do what you need to, the broken record technique someone else said is very good. Here are a few tips about how an NPD operates that may help (I learned this the hard way)

    * you can tell them they are an asshole but not that they are unnattractive or not smart
    * total loyalty is their expectation, not reality
    * and it is very reasonable to give yourself healing time after this is over

    The biggest success is moving on and recovering from this. So just do what you need to protect yourself and move your life forward, feel good about it.

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