adult children living at home

[libby]

Just curious what your opinion is on adult children living with their parents.I have two young adult sons still at home and I am getting tired of it. As they are both working I do require them to pay room and board. It is a monthly battle to get them to pay me. If they were going to school I would not ask that of them. They do not contribute to the household in any other way. I am ready for an empty nest but neither of them wants to move out! My husband does not have my back on this issue at all. He never wants to look like the bad guy...that's a whole nuther issue.
This is not just about the money but about my feelings that it would be good for them to live on their own and have those responsibilites. What's your thoughts on this?

UPDATE: I put my pointy toed boots on and got the job done! Both of my sons have now moved out. Thanks for all your comments and support.

[ApatheticNoMore]

It's the new normal. I don't know, it's complex and depends on the particular situation. Since you really want them gone, it probably is not best in your particular situation. The dynamics do not sound good. I think it takes a special situation to make it work.

And yes obviously anyone who lives at home should be contributing financially in some capacity if they can, contributing to helping out otherwise as well. I hope you aren't still doing their laundries or something. Tell me your not, please tell me your not

Do they have strategic goals for living at home, saving up for a house downpayment or something? Then it IS a good way to do this. It's not fair to those who want to buy a home and have busted their butts paying their own market rent from day 1 and have to compete with the "I've been living at home for years and years saving up" set, but well ... life is not fair, and it is a leg up for those who can take it. Or if they are saving for education or saving for retirement like crazy in their youth or for a cushion or something. It is a way to do that and people with the maturity and ability to do so will probably end up far better off financially in middle age than their peers (sad but true). Many people really don't mature financially and emotionally until they have been on their own for awhile though. They need that time of being independent (even if they some day move back for a little while after a job loss or divorce etc. - then they do so with emotional maturity). The parent/child dynamic is also not helpful many times and so living in a house with a bunch of other young people or something might be a better way to save than living with mommy and daddy, but again I do have some understanding for even those who live with their parents if it is done strategically (again for the house downpayment etc.).

[libby]

No I am not doing their laundry although I find that they often hog the washer and dryer. And no they do not have any strategic goals other than staying in their comfort zone.
I do provide meals for them and one of my big bones of contention is not knowing daily how many I am cooking for. They will tell me in the morning that they will be home for supper and then not show up so I have wasted my time making a bigger sized meal than I would have otherwise. It really ticks me off and I feel it is disrespecful! Sigh I guess I'm just kind of tired of it all....

[bae]

My father made me start paying rent when I was 14.

My daughter is 14 now. We don't charge her rent. But we do require her to contribute to the operations of the household with more than just symbolic chores.

When she is an adult, things will be difficult for her if she wishes to remain in our local community - jobs are scarce and low-paying, housing prices are very high, and the cost of living in general is very high. If we "booted her out of the nest", well, she'd have to go far away. A better solution will have to be found :-)

[flowerseverywhere]

Do you ask for help? Or ask them to limit their use of the washer and dryer to certain days and times?

Maybe you need to let your needs be known. For instance, get everyone together and say some things are difficult for you and you need help. Maybe say on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays I want the washer and dryer free and empty so I can do what I need to do. If you find clothes in the washer or dryer put them in a basket in a heap. Ask that each take responsibility for some things. For instance, ask that they each cook one night a week for everyone to take the load off of you. And address them not showing up for meals after they said they would be there. Tell them you think it is disrespectful. maybe they have no idea it means that much to you. You are entitled to your feeling you know.

communication is the key in these situations. If you make it too comfortable for them of course they are going to stay there forever. Who wouldn't?

[Bastelmutti]

I guess it doesn't really matter what we think - you've made it clear (to us at least) that you want them to move on. How about starting to take small steps in that direction? Lay down rules for when they can use the washer/dryer, i.e., not during the times that are convenient to you. Stop making their meals. Give them a kitchen cabinet and space in the fridge for their own groceries that they have to buy. Admittedly, this is likely to be difficult if your DH doesn't back you up.

[Miss Cellane]

My guess is that they are not going to move until something makes moving seem like a better choice than staying.

You own the home and the appliances. You can raise the rent--hey, you have to pay taxes on the house and I bet those are going up, aren't they? You can charge for food and cooking expertise--whether or not they eat the food. They might be more accurate as to whether or not they will be home for a meal if they realize that they will pay for it either way. You can have a minimum 24 advance notice for any missed meals. No 24 hour notice? Pay for the meal. You can designate certain hours when the washer and dryer are available for their use, and other hours when they are not available to anyone but you and your DH.

And by all means they should be doing some of the chores around the house--the food shopping, some of the cooking, the yard work, some cleaning. I'd pick the chores you least like to do and make doing those chores part of their rent.

In other words, look at all the things they do that bug you. Then develop a consequence for each thing that a) isn't much work for you and b) hits them where it hurts. And if you really want them to leave, I think your DH needs to support you. The two of you need to set a time line for the fledglings to leave the nest. Then you get to introduce "Operation Independence" to the kids. Make the time line reasonable--at least 6 months, to give them time to save up money for deposits on apartments and stuff. Or you might want to give them a year to get ready--they might also need to buy furniture and things like that. Then mark the date on a big calendar and keep referring to it. There's nothing wrong with telling your kids you love them, and just like you had to take them to the doctor's when they were little even though they didn't like it, so you are kicking them out of the house. For the same reason--for their own good.

I admit that my friends and I were all about getting out of our parents' houses, so this current mindset of staying home long after you could leave is puzzling to me.

[peggy]

Could your sons perhaps get an apartment together? Maybe suggesting that.
My daughter (24) is living here but she is gainfully employed and finishing her masters. Although we didn't ask her to, she pays a small rent. She said it makes her feel better. She does of course keep her space nice and does her own laundry and such. I do cook the meals but its just as easy to cook for 3 as 2. She is saving her money for a down payment on a place when she graduates. Hopefully she can continue with the employment she has now, or at least stays in this area as I do enjoy her company.

[CathyA]

I totally understand. We get used to our peace and quiet after the kids go to college and its almost impossible to have that when they come back.
I'm sorry you don't have your DH's support. I think they need to get an apartment together and start living on their own. Maybe you could help them a little financially (only if its a real bind for them).......but I think the kids today are pretty spoiled. (Mine definitely are!)

[ApatheticNoMore]

I admit that my friends and I were all about getting out of our parents' houses, so this current mindset of staying home long after you could leave is puzzling to me.

I was too. My dad begged me after I had my first real job when I was looking for my first apartment to live at home for a little while more and save up (that's what he said then, but not what he has said before when I was being "unproductive" = taking college courses instead of working full time).

On the one hand me and my parents psychologically - omg no! They did their damage enough in the years I lived there. On the other hand, he was right about how tough it would be out there financially to save and pay the costs of living like rent etc. and that there would have been great financial advantage to living at home and saving up for awhile. But I was YOUNG AND PROUD and dumb as heck about real world economics (which incidently are a lot tougher now and were even for people my age than they had been decades earlier).