adult children living at home

[Charity]

I completely understand your frustration. There was just a Dr. Phil show on this very subject and it is very definately a growing trend. In this case it was their daughter who refused to move out. She had graduated from college and had a good job but in spite of her parents giving her deadlines to find a place of her own, she wouldn't budge. She came right out and said what you said. She didn't want to leave her comfort zone. Until she could afford to live like she was now, she wasn't going to leave. She was doing nothing to save toward that end. There is a complete disconnect from reality with alot of young adults today.

Dr. Phil gave the same advice that Miss Cellane gave. Until it's no longer fun to live at home, they'll never leave. If I were you I'd stop making meals for them. They have jobs and there are restaurants. Come up with a time line and stick with it. In the Dr. Phil case it was 8 months. And during that time frame do whatever you can to push them out of the nest. If their on your family phone plan, take them off. If they don't pay towards cable service, take the tv out of their room. It's not mean. It's for their own good.

FYI, I kicked my DD out when she was 19 and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. In my case it was because she refused to abide by any rules and was headed for serious trouble. I was unwittingly facilitating it in the guise of love. She told be a few years ago it was the best thing I ever did for her. She was forced to grow up because life became about how to find the next meal, not where to find the next drug dealer. That's not your situation exactly, but it's the same dynamic. Nothing will change until something changes.

[mira]

After I graduated from university and worked abroad for a couple years, I decided to come back to the UK. However, I could not find work so I had to move back in with my parents after about seven years of living on my own. I'm a very independent person and couldn't handle going backwards! My parents were fine with it though, because they knew that I was keen to get a job and move back out. I take it your sons are not working towards such a goal? This sounds just like the younger of my two brothers, who is 18 and just finished high school in June. He has made no effort to find a job, go on to further study, find volunteer work or even contribute to housework. My mum doesn't mind but it's a huge annoyance to my dad. You are not alone

If it's any consolation, it's quite normal for 30-year-old "kids" to still be living with their parents in countries like Spain and Italy. It helps ensure good financial standing when they do eventually move out. Still... I can't imagine having done that myself...

[Gregg]

Older DD moved in with us for her last year of college. We actually relocated to her town. The rule with all the kids has always been that they had a place when they were in school, but needed to be independent beyond that. She was always a little more reclusive than our other kids and (after just a little gentle reminding what a deal she had) was willing to help with whatever needed doing around the house. It worked out ok because she got a job right out of school last May, got engaged and moved in with her fiance. DS did the same thing I did at 18, moved out and never looked back. Youngest DD is the most independent of the bunch so I can't see her having any desire to live by our rules any longer than necessary.

Rules are a thought... Do they live a life with rules similar to what they had in high school or is it more like they have independent status under your roof? A curfew could be quite a motivational tool if you don't have one in place. A list of real chores, too. With two young men in the house I would expect all the yard work, snow shoveling, gutter cleaning, etc. to be done. Laundry and other personal chores should be on their plates, as you are doing. To heck with cooking for them. Cook for two, you and your husband. Tell them their schedules are just too hectic for you to plan around. Let them use the old fridge in the garage and do their own grocery shopping and cooking AND CLEAN UP. Sure, they will mooch food out of your fridge, but so what? They will at least have to get a clue what goes into meal prep and planning.

[Anne Lee]

With a New Year comes New Rules. Stop cooking them meals. If their stuff is in the washer or dryer it gets dumped in their room if you need the machine. Same with any stuff they leave lying around. Make sure their rent really does cover what you are spending on them, otherwise raise it. It's hard but at the end of the day will be worth it.

[libby]

Thank you for your replies. I have thought about making them do their own cooking but I know they would not clean up after themselves. I am also afraid they would for sure not want to pay any room and board then. It is already a monthly battle getting rent out of them. Writing all this down has made me realize how very disrespectful my sons are to me.....

[CathyA]

Time to "kick" them out. Tough love.

[Gardenarian]

Libby - how old are your sons? What are their plans for the future?

[Gregg]

...I am also afraid they would for sure not want to pay any room and board then.

You're letting them walk all over you libby. With that in mind and with no back up from your husband its a pretty fair bet nothing is going to change at home before you do. Respect is earned and as long as you're putting up with their **** they won't give you any. Head to Wally World and a thrift store with them in tow and buy the most basic junk they need to survive (air mattress, ramen noodle pot, toilet paper...). Then take them apartment shopping to see places you know they can afford on their own. Give them 2 or 3 choices and make them decide which one will be theirs. Pay their deposit and first months rent if you have to because they will probably only have tomorrow's beer money. DO NOT CO-SIGN THE LEASE or you will pay every months rent until they move, which might be never!!! Line up however much help they need to get all their crap from your place to that apartment. Take them food shopping and buy them a weeks worth of groceries so you can sleep at night knowing they have something to eat. Give them a roll of quarters and a box of Tide and hope for the best. Get them moved and change your locks, drop them off your cell phone plan (just a wild guess that they are still on it) or better yet, move to a one bedroom condo! It may cost you $1500 or $2000 to get them all set up, but its a heck of a lot cheaper than a lifetime Rx to Prozac.

[KayLR]

If it were me, I'd probably give them a date to move. If they are able to live on their own, even if it's together, they should. Give them a month or two notice, a nice parting gift, and all your well wishes.

[razz]

This type of behaviour has been going on for a long time and has been enabled by both you and your DH. Why does he not want to be seen as encouraging independence in your sons? Is it cultural? Does he not believe that they are capable of standing on their own feet or does he see them as crippled and incapable of independence? Does he need their companionship? Who did the disciplining of the boys growing up?

If your DH is a passive-aggressive personality type, you will have to fight this one yourself and take a stand and set boundaries.
http://www.drsapadin.com/articles/fe...aggressive.php and some good advice here:
http://www.newliving.com/issues/nov_...s/passive.html

I don't think that it is just an issue with your sons but one with your DH that needs to dealt with first. Set boundaries with him and then with your sons. You may need help with this. I feel total empathy for your situation.