adult children living at home

[JaneV2.0]

This is definitely a trend. I know a thirty-something living with mom, and a fifty-something who's a boomerang kid. Hard times.

[Fawn]

Makes those tiny houses all the more appealing.

[peggy]

You're letting them walk all over you libby. With that in mind and with no back up from your husband its a pretty fair bet nothing is going to change at home before you do. Respect is earned and as long as you're putting up with their **** they won't give you any. Head to Wally World and a thrift store with them in tow and buy the most basic junk they need to survive (air mattress, ramen noodle pot, toilet paper...). Then take them apartment shopping to see places you know they can afford on their own. Give them 2 or 3 choices and make them decide which one will be theirs. Pay their deposit and first months rent if you have to because they will probably only have tomorrow's beer money. DO NOT CO-SIGN THE LEASE or you will pay every months rent until they move, which might be never!!! Line up however much help they need to get all their crap from your place to that apartment. Take them food shopping and buy them a weeks worth of groceries so you can sleep at night knowing they have something to eat. Give them a roll of quarters and a box of Tide and hope for the best. Get them moved and change your locks, drop them off your cell phone plan (just a wild guess that they are still on it) or better yet, move to a one bedroom condo! It may cost you $1500 or $2000 to get them all set up, but its a heck of a lot cheaper than a lifetime Rx to Prozac.

This sounds like really good advice for your situation. Gets them out but with love, (and no sleepless nights wondering if they are starving) As I said, my daughter lives with us but by mutual agreement as the best for her situation. As it is, we have a big house and she is a very quiet person. We have told her that when the time comes, she doesn't have to move unless she wants to. I really don't believe anyone should have to live alone unless they want to. But with your sons, they have each other. And theirs seems to be more sloth rather than loneliness.
My son was a different story. Very independent, almost to a fault! He wanted to do it all on his own, so the balance we had to find was 'helping' him not starve while he found his independence! Lots of sleepless nights there!

I think one of the biggest differences between our generation and the latest is that we more often than not married into/out of the parents house. At least for the girls. Independence by default. Kids now days wait later to marry so moving out of the parents house isn't just a natural. I think they (rightly or wrongly?) feel parents home is their home, so it's kind of a shock to be asked to leave.

When you think about it, the parameters have change drastically over just a few generations. Our parents often had several generations living under the same roof, very common. Our generation couldn't wait to move out, and now our kids don't want to move out. And now, economies as they are, we are exploring several generations living under the same roof again. It worked before, why can't it work again? Maybe it can't. Maybe our expectations have changed so much that we can't envision doing what our parent took for granted. Evolution is always an uncertain time. What works for one family won't work for another.
I know this doesn't help you, but know you aren't alone. Maybe if you can't get your husband to back you in making them move, maybe he could back you in setting parameters and responsibilities. Think about our parents, or grandparents generation. How did they make it work? If they could act like adults with all the responsibility and 'mantel' if you will of being adults, perhaps it could work.

[Zoebird]

i think that co-housing is one thing, housing for a specific duration (while paying debt or saving for a home) is another, and that being a burden is another one altogether.

these boys seem like they are being a burden. so, it's time to get them out of the nest. they can come back for a purpose (choosing, housing for a specific duration), but otherwise, no.

my sister and I have been out of the house since we were 18. we just weren't allowed back in UNLESS it was specific. they'd never leave us homeless, but we couldn't be a burden.

[citrine]

I don't understand either....I could not wait to get the heck out of my parents house! I went back for a year and it was the worst thing ever!
I would definitely raise the rent, increase the chores, stop paying for their food/cell phones/etc., and give them a time line to move on out!

[ApatheticNoMore]

I really become way more open to it when I think that the question is always asked "how can we survive in an economy with less growth?", and well if we take the question seriously and more than just rhetorically, more people living together is one way! One REAL answer, that we can do, it doesn't even require an act of congress. New ways of thinking are needed if we are to take these problems seriously. Turn and face the strange - ch ch ch changes. But again the particulars of how much dysfunction actually tend to exists in the parent child/relationship make this really not a very good solution in many cases.

It really has to have the same elements present in any working relationship or community or roommate situation: everyone understanding they need to help contribute (even if the contributions aren't monetary - labor then), and the living arrangements being mutually beneficially to all participants (kid gets reduced rent, parents get extra income from rent to put toward their goals - earlier retirement - or whatever - assuming extra money is useful to their goals in life. Everyone contributes to chores). Because all things not mutually beneficially will have very ugly power dynamics: it breaks down into a one-up one-down relationship: the more powerful person is always the person giving more, which is resented by the less powerful person, and rebelled against etc. etc. (probably a direct carryover from childhood).

So to say: "children still living with parents after x age is always bad", suits pop moralists (cough Dr Phil) but this fails to see the potential for "win-win". Though I still think "win-win" is rare here due maybe not just to family dynamics but also to the extreme isiolation of the nuclear family (this probably worked better with large extended families!).

Many people are probably better off living with friends or strangers if they do group living.

[Stella]

I couldn't wait to get out of the house, but now live happily in a multigenerational household with my dad, husband and kids. It saves everyone a ton of money, makes efficient use of a space that would be larger than necessary if we didn't share it and gives everyone a few perks. Dad gets people to cook and clean and fix things and we get a free babysitter after 7:30 any night of the week. When Dad gets older he'll have seven people who love him to help take care of him and both him and my kids get to have a close relationship with their grandpa/grandkids. Financially, we have the security of living in an almost paid for house (small HELOC left to pay) and dad has the security of young healthy adults who are capable of working and paying bills so he can stretch his retirement savings.

I could see letting my kids live at home if that worked out. The older ones are 6 and 7 and already contribute actual help around the house, folding laundry, cleaning bathrooms, washing dishes and such. The 7.5 year old can make simple foods like omelets if she is supervised.

That said, your situation sounds completely different. I think it sounds like your boys need to get out and experience the real world.

[Polliwog]

I told my youngest son he had to leave when he turned 18. It was very, very difficult, but I was ready to be on my own after raising 2 sons as a single mother. My sons are both very independent and resourceful now. They are 37 and 42 now. They had to fend for themselves after 18 and it didn't hurt them one iota. Libby, I think any therapist worth his or her salt would tell you that your sons need to leave the nest. Even in this economy they should be able to make it, either together, or with roommates. Your husband may not want them to leave which makes it all the harder for you.

You have to put your foot down hard! And if nothing changes and you can't get them to budge - I have an idea. Why don't you tell them all (your husband included) that you are going to move out. Let them all fend for themselves. I know, I know, it is totally outside the box, but you should not be walked on.

I love my sons, but even today, if I let them, they might take advantage of me. I have earned their respect because I do not take **** from them or anyone else.

[ctg492]

Libby,
Each case is so different and each family has many comples issues. I can write the book on How to Do Everything Wrong, yet everything was done for the best reasons with my sons. I am learning to stop being an enabler. This was my greatest fault. I could never see my sons in distress over a 1st grade paper or rent due. For my oldest the back door was always swinging. In Out In Out. Hindsight is 20/20. This was the biggest mistake I made out of all the Love mistakes. He is now home with us and will be for at least 1-2 years. His lack of taking responsibilty and my enabling crated a series of bad choices I have posted about.
To do it all again, those famous words. If he choose to not go to school fulltime, then it is just plain old life and get on with it. We all do it and what we can't afford since rent is due, we just can't have.

[Anne Lee]

I think it can work IF everyone understands that all involved are adults and contribute equally. It sounds as if the OP is still functioning as mother rather than one of the co-equal adults living in the home where everyone takes responsibility for themselves per Stella's situation.