Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: Houseguests that say offensive things

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    2,678

    Houseguests that say offensive things

    Every time my husband's family members come to visit, I go through this, but never feel as though I have a good handle on it.

    Although my husband is a good, open, kind person, his family is chock-a-block with racists and homophobes. Their jokes and comments are deeply offensive to me. They seem to be making more of an effort not to do this around me, but they often forget. It's as though it's the most natural thing in the world to hate, and you can't change their stripes.

    When I'm a guest in their homes, I just suck it up - after all, it's their castle and they can do & say what they wish. (and yes, I avoid being there) But in my home, I get very bristly, especially in this season of love and light.

    What's the best way to calmly, lovingly, non-confrontationally communicate to houseguests, "You can hate all you want in your own house, but keep that sh** to yourself in mine, if you please, or you'll find yourself at the Super 8" ?

  2. #2
    Senior Member fidgiegirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Saint Paul, MN
    Posts
    3,911
    Ooh - no good advice whatsoever, but you have my wishes for lots of fortitude in your dealings.
    Kelli

    My gluten free blog: Twin Cities Gluten Free
    Our house remodel blog: Our Fair Abode

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    523
    Often when someone says something super offensive-racist or homophobic- I just give them a 'shocked oh my goodness you didn't really say that?' look. It seems to let them know not to talk like that around me. Good to do with people who happened to be related to you (by marriage, of course!)

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    1,069
    Big Hugs these people mostly never change...

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    2,819
    I just make the boundary clear.

    for a time, every conversation with my dad devolved into him reciting fox news or similar -- but usually with his own color on it (fears/anxieties/anger) -- and if you disagreed that it was factual, or that his representation wasn't factual, then he would simply start getting louder and louder and yelling at you and getting angry.

    I don't consider him "that shocking" as you describe, but it was seriously annoying. And i told him that i didn't want to talk about news or politics with him anymore because we obviously disagree, and he just yells at me, and then I don't want to be around him. And i'm fairly certain that he didn't want *that* outcome.

    so, there it is.

  6. #6
    Senior Member mira's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    543
    I'd be inclined to make a 'neutralising' comment that stops that conversation dead in its tracks, without outwardly showing annoyance/frustration/anger, but being firm and well understood. If that doesn't work, you may wish to talk to them privately, but I can't imagine that they would see any wrong in their ability to freely express opinions (whether or not they have a solid basis...). I usually feel tempted to question their beliefs, but its highly unlikely that you could sway them to consider beliefs other than their own...

    My sister-in-law's partner - who I just met for the first time last month - produced a whole spiel of racist, homophobic and generally ignorant comments when we are all out for dinner one night. However, it soon dawned on me that he just didn't have the slightest clue what he was talking about. Any attempt I made to rationalise his comments and generalisations was pretty much met with "Duhhh, what??". He didn't understand what I was saying, so I have little faith that he can successfully understand the wider world.
    Last edited by mira; 12-22-11 at 5:10am.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    New Hamsphire
    Posts
    446
    No advice. I have to deal with the same in my home with my inlaws. My MIL's latest was jokingly and IMO rudly saying "he's trying to convert us", in reference to my son (18 year old preaching major) asking them to join us for church on Sunday. We always ask them to join us, but this time my MIL felt that making a joke of it was ok. It was offensive, not funny. But what can you say to that?

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    277
    They are never going to change. In situations like this I always promptly change the subject by interjecting with "Nice weather hey!". repeat repeat repeat til they get sick of hearing your weather talk!

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    319
    "That language is not allowed in our house" is the response I would give. However, if you choose to go this route, you must be able to handle the circumstances. Good luck!

  10. #10
    Low Tech grunt iris lily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    4,942
    pug, I don't think there IS a good way to handle this kind of thing. It's your house but they are your guests and you aren't going to change their thinking and so what is the point of confronting them? A neutral changing of the subject is fine, but that's about the best that you can do. Showing slight disapproval in subject changing may point out to them, if they are clued into it, that you don't like it.

    You will still feel icky, they may feel icky, but that's going to happen in clashes of values. I think it's nice that the seem to cut back a little in your presence, that shows you've made progress!

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •