Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 24

Thread: MIL mad at DH (again)

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    167

    Unhappy MIL mad at DH (again)

    Hi all, just wanting to vent here.....

    DH and I received a birthday invite, on fairly short notice ( 1 week) , from our niece who is hosting a dual birthday party for our grandnephew and MIL this Sunday. We have previous plans already in place with my sister and her family for Superbowl which has become a "tradition" event between me and my only sibling living near me (another sister lives out of the state).

    This has been set up for months; now we get this other invite. I tried to see if it was possible to do both events on the same day but between the scheduling and the long distance between the two places, it's not just going to be possible. Besides, we have tried this before and all we do is a lot of running around and nobody is happy.

    MIL called DH last night to see if we were going; she was already aware we had this get-together with my sister but was trying to guilt DH into going anyway. Didn't work and now she's mad.

    By way of background, in-law family is pretty small; MIL and FIL are only children, and SIL's DH pretty much came with no family (only a mom) so when DH married into my larger family it was a bit of a shock for them as they really didn't have any experience dealing with extended family members. Even now, they still are strangers to my family in spite of my family trying to include them in weddings, birthdays, etc. Even after 28 years of marriage, they seem to have a hard time with the fact that DH is part of my family and seems to resent that we have things going on with them.

    Also, in-laws have had a history of blowing us off for a "better offer"; things are set up and then they get another invite from someone else. It really stuck in DH's craw when they cancelled Easter a few years ago so they could go to a rich friend's house instead. They have this unbelievable worship of "rich people" but that's another topic.

    We feel bad as this is my MIL's 80th birthday. Normally this event wouldn't happen because MIL and FIL are snowbirds who be in Florida now, but due to health issues they are haven't gone yet. I asked DH what he wanted to do and he said to get on with our original plans. It was his call.

    Anyway, just wanted to vent...get some feedback too. Sometimes we just can't seem to win....arrrggh

  2. #2
    Senior Member leslieann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Atlantic Canada
    Posts
    979
    There is an answer to the battles that one cannot win: quit the fight. I don't see any issue here. Your MIL is mad and she can be mad. Your job is to not react to that. You guys had a plan, it is regrettable that you had another invitation for the same day but you already had a plan. People can only "guilt" us to the degree that we believe that they have a right to our time, attention, money, or love. Note that it is not what THEY believe but what we believe.

    Too bad the combined birthday party cannot be rescheduled to Saturday but that's not your call.

    Don't fight battles like this. Just step away emotionally. You don't have to let it eat you alive. Find something else to think about and just notice when you are obsessively thinking things like "she should" "they ought" "They shouldn't have" "They mistreated us so...". Notice those thoughts, touch them, and then let them go...."Oh, there I go, thinking all those thoughts about my in-laws....Yep, that's not helpful to me to stew in those thoughts so I'll just move on.."

    You honestly cannot change other people. But you sure do have control over how you respond to them. You CAN be in a peaceful place with this.

  3. #3
    Low Tech grunt iris lily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    4,935
    Wow leslie, that is greatly worded advice (and great content, too!) The "touch the thoughts but let them go" is such a great way of visualizing what to do.

    OP, take heed of these wise words!

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    248
    Agree that it's your husband's call. And you can't control how other people react.

    That being said..if it was my mother's 80th birthday (or my mother-in-law's) that would take priority over a superbowl party. I'm a football fan but an 80th birthday is a big event.

  5. #5
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,989
    +1 on what Leslie said. My opinion is that the first invitation gets accepted, and it would have to be a really unusual situation to break the first invitation for a second. I would have said "so sorry, I already had plans" and then left it at that and not felt bad.

    Just an aside, why was an 80th bday party such an afterthought? And why hold it on Superbowl Sunday, when many people, not just the OP, would already have plans?

  6. #6
    Low Tech grunt iris lily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    4,935
    Quote Originally Posted by Weston View Post
    Agree that it's your husband's call. And you can't control how other people react.

    That being said..if it was my mother's 80th birthday (or my mother-in-law's) that would take priority over a superbowl party. I'm a football fan but an 80th birthday is a big event.
    This 80th birthday party was such a big deal that it was planned 1 week prior to the event. That is lame party planning, sorry.

  7. #7
    Senior Member jennipurrr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    768
    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    Just an aside, why was an 80th bday party such an afterthought? And why hold it on Superbowl Sunday, when many people, not just the OP, would already have plans?
    Totally agree with Leslie. I want to print out and save it as its applicable in so many situations.

    At first I thought this was the party from that thread where the person with the least amount of money is planning the party, but it appears not to be. So, yeah, what's up with the last minute 80th bday party. Everyone knew this was on the horizon!

  8. #8
    Senior Member peggy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    2,857
    Agreed that it seems kind of suspicious that they only planned it one week ahead, but I have to kind of side with Weston on it. She is turning 80, and not in the best of health. But, you do have plans, so I would try to maybe spend Saturday afternoon or evening with the MIL, telling her you can't change the plans for Sunday, but you value her and know how important this birthday is. Maybe take her to dinner to celebrate her special day. I would even be inclined to go a bit over the top, bring her a bunch of flowers, take her to dinner, buy her a balloon! Make that little rushed party pale in comparison.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    248
    Quote Originally Posted by Iris lily View Post
    This 80th birthday party was such a big deal that it was planned 1 week prior to the event. That is lame party planning, sorry.
    Agree that it is lame. But that is on the niece not the Mother-in-Law. Actually I don't want to be too harsh towards the niece. It is a shame that it was not handled by a closer relation. It is not the M-I-L's job to arrange her own 80th birthday party. It should be her spouse or her children. Actually I think the niece is being very kind for taking on the responsibility even if it is "lame party planning"

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    248
    Quote Originally Posted by peggy View Post
    Agreed that it seems kind of suspicious that they only planned it one week ahead, but I have to kind of side with Weston on it. She is turning 80, and not in the best of health. But, you do have plans, so I would try to maybe spend Saturday afternoon or evening with the MIL, telling her you can't change the plans for Sunday, but you value her and know how important this birthday is. Maybe take her to dinner to celebrate her special day. I would even be inclined to go a bit over the top, bring her a bunch of flowers, take her to dinner, buy her a balloon! Make that little rushed party pale in comparison.
    Excellent suggestions Peggy. I have found that with most family disputes their is always a third alternative that can go a long way towards meeting the needs of both sides.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •