MIL mad at DH (again)

[saguaro]

been there, too, saguaro -- with both my parents and my ILs. Our sisters can do no wrong, are always better, and everything has to happen with their buy-in. truly, there are lots of things that I want to do for my parents, but without my sister's buy-in, forget it. They are not interested. Same with ILs. And, like you, we try our best, but at the end of the day, after years and years, there's just nothing right that we can do. And, it gets exhausting. You'd rather not keep trying, move around your plans when someone changes them at the last minute, and even if you did, it still wouldn't be good enough. I totally get it.

Thanks, Zoebird and you nailed it exactly. It does get exhausting and DH has finally given up after years of this stuff. This family dynamic is very entrenched; I also think the IL's need to have their scapegoat as they are the type that needs something / someone to blame and they are never wrong. It's sad (and unhealthy) for them to scapegoat their own son; DH has learned after years he doesn't need to accept this role anymore so I think there's some general anger over that.

[Spartana]

Regarding whether DH should have set things up...this was not something I was going to bring up but here goes...

He has tried numerous times to set up similar events in the past. The MIL/FIL would say "no" or, in the event of their 50th anniversary a few years ago, his sister would insist on planning events, only to not follow through. There is a dynamic within the family that DH's sister is the "golden child" and everything must happen with her blessing. And if not, it doesn't happen.

In the case of the 50th anniversary, it was clear that SIL was not coming through and even though nothing was happening, DH could not plan things without her "OK". We didn't want this event to pass by without doing something, so we took MIL/FIL out to a nice restaurant ourselves for the 50th only to have SIL throw a fit that we were "upstaging" her. It's not about doing nice things for MIL/FIL, it's about SIL's ego and strangely enough, MIL and FIL are so in fear of her that they go along with this stuff. They went with us for the 50th and it was "so nice" until a week later; then they complained it wasn't good enough after SIL threw a hissy fit after hearing about it.

Niece is SIL's daughter who she controls, so that may make SIL feel that she is some control of this event.

I can't say how much DH has tried and be the "bigger person" but he can't win. Won't be allowed to, unfortunately.

I guess in this situation there isn't anything you can do to make everyone happy - so you and DH should do what makes you guys happy and try not to worry about the rest of them. Be kind and gentle and tell them you'd love to go but already had other plans but would love to see MIL on another day to celebrate. If that's not good enough for her... welll.. then just let it go. As Loose chickens said, no one can make you feel guilty - that's something you bring upon yourself. If you guys are comfortable about your decision and feel it's the right one, then there is no reason the feel guilty about it.

[Karma]

In my world 80th birthdays are a really big deal. If you already have plans then don't go to the party but why not invite the birthday girl out for a nice meal or a small gathering at your home. I imagine if ill health is involved there won't be many more birthdays to celebrate in the future. Don't spend your precious time getting mad and ranting but instead find a way to make it work instead. I wish my parents or in laws were still around.

[saguaro]

In my world 80th birthdays are a really big deal. If you already have plans then don't go to the party but why not invite the birthday girl out for a nice meal or a small gathering at your home. I imagine if ill health is involved there won't be many more birthdays to celebrate in the future. Don't spend your precious time getting mad and ranting but instead find a way to make it work instead. I wish my parents or in laws were still around.

Well, here's an update for all of you...

DH called MIL and suggested taking her out for dinner on another day. She said she had to think about it....then called back 10 minutes later. We are set to go next Saturday.

We weren't sure if she would go for it....as loosechickens suggested, nothing short of going to the party would might not be enough, but it worked. And if it didn't, we would have sent an arrangement to her home on the exact day, which is tomorrow. One way or another, we decided she would get something....

Actually, DH thinks this may be better as it gives her something to look forward to, and she will be the focus. This 80th birthday party is actually lumped into our grandnephew's 7th birthday so it's going to be dual 80th / kids party.

So far a win/win. Let's hope she's in a good mood......