A lament

[redfox]

My DH & I have been housing our friend, S, on the days his soon to be ex-wife is in the family home with their two children. She is opposed to him being a half time father, and is insisting on minimal contact with the kids. He wants to share parenting half & half, and told her of that today.

Her response is to allege abuse. I was a DV social worker for nearly two decades, and was part of the legion of women & men who fought very hard for victim's rights, to make sure women were believed. To have this allegation raised as a weapon is incredibly infuriating.

Of course, I was not in the room with them each time they were in conflict, so I cannot assert that the allegation is without merit. In the 8 years I have known them, I've seen NOTHING, not a damn inkling even remotely suggesting abuse. They have both been disrespectful of each other, but not abuse.

She is threatening to get a restraining order tomorrow morning to throw him out of their home. Because of decades of hard work that I and scores of others did, she will likely be believed, and granted a temporary RO. She will have to defend it in court two weeks later. He will be lining up an attorney tomorrow. Of course guess who pays the price? A 2 year old & a 6 year old.

What a freaking disaster. Each and every escalation she pulls reminds me of my stepkids mom. What is it with these crazy people?

K. Thanks for listening. FWIW, I'm doing a good job keeping my boundaries clear... And I am very, very sad.

[puglogic]

{{{{ redfox }}}} You have a big heart, and I can feel it aching. I'm sad for the kids too, no matter whether the allegations are true or not. People going through contentious divorces can be so very, very volatile. Sigh.

[Zoebird]

it's about power, isn't it?

I think it's the saddest thing to keep a loving father away from his children. I think it's terrible to keep a loving mother away from her children. Absolute heartbreak.

[razz]

Friends of ours have a son going through a similar scenario. Their son is no Prince Charming but there is such an anger in the woman (they lived common-law) and need for control of the one child. He did lose the court case but does have shared access because she needed to work and needed childcare despite the huge $$$ settlement.

Often I wonder if an addiction response is for those who cannot gain power over their mental or emotional pain any other way and power battles are for those who fight due to the same pain triggers. I am referring to that "fight and flight" response to life's challenges that no one seems to fully understand as yet. Wonder if neuroscience will ever work that out?

I had hoped that mediation/counselling would have greater effect in the power struggles.

[Zoe Girl]

That is horrible, I know I asked to have my ex out of the house much faster than he was. I wasn't stopping him from seeing the kids but it was scary to live with him then. Since he never laid a hand on me I couldn't get anything done, but I spent 4 months primarily living in the bedroom only coming out to fix meals or take care of the kids.

I hope someone in this situation is as clear headed. No police reports, no reports at all to friends or family. I am not saying people are not abused and very quiet about it but there usually is something there. And I wouldn't want someone actually being abused to not have this protection, not a good one.

I agree with the power dynamic. It can be used by either gender, not about size or strength. I was shocked at how well the legal system works with some pretty messed up, power focused people,

[jlroussin]

That is indeed sad - mainly for the young children involved. I'll keep them in my prayers.

[Zemma]

I know so many people who were at each others throats in the aftermath of separation, using every mean trick in the book, convinced that by doing this they were saving their child/children from the other 'monster' parent.

When in fact it was just out of control hurt and anger and not a whole lot to do with the kids at all. Wind forward a couple of years and when people have hung in there a bit, they often have really good and even loving co-parenting arrangements.

Living together after separation is VERY stressful and I hope that part of it can sort out soon for your friend, Redfox. And I hope, for everyone's sake they all can try not to muddy the future by their rage in the present.

[redfox]

And I hope, for everyone's sake they all can try not to muddy the future by their rage in the present.

I am quoting this very line to both of them... To S in person, and to his wife in a letter. Thank you.

[chanterelle]

I am quoting this very line to both of them... To S in person, and to his wife in a letter. Thank you.

Redfox, iknow that you have painful experience with these issues via your past work, your own daughter and step kids. By virtue of that experience, want to add your wisdom to help fix the situation, but you cannot fix everyone's life no matter how hard you try and how much life experience and knowledge of possible outcomes you may have.
Please reconsider sending that letter unless the two of you have been very close in the past and she is asking for your insight. Unsolicited input, no matter how well meaning, could further anger an already furious person and seem like and intrusion into her personal affairs. This could have the opposite effect that you are hoping for, and result in her making things even more contentious for a settlement to be reached.
You can, by all means, support your friend and act as a chaacter witness if needed, but you are not the social worker of record here and despite your insight and life experience must step back.....way back.

[redfox]

Chanterelle, great observations. I appreciate your counsel. She & I have been close, and she has been a good friend.... we spent time together over the holidays as she disclosed her fury and plans to seperate. When their now nearly 7 year old was 6 months old, we took care of her weekly while they had date nights in an attempt to mend their marriage. We did that for nearly two years for them. She knows her kids are here with their dad, and feels good about our home being a safe place for them. I'm confident that she'd hear my wish in a good light.