How close is your family?

[bagelgirl]

This has been a very interesting read. I grew up on the opposite side of the country from my parents' siblings, so there were no cousins, aunts, uncles or grandparents in my life. I greatly regretted this. It was in a time when people did not hop a flight to visit family. Long distance calls were so expensive they were almost never made.

However, I have a theory about family closeness that others may or may not agree with. From my experience women are primarily, not always, but primarily the ones interested in close family ties. All six of my parents' siblings were men, and in my mind, that didn't make for a lot of keeping in touch. I have two sons, and two stepsons and I find that I am the one who makes all of the contacts for family get togethers. Again, I realize some others have had different family experiences.

Also, there seems to be one, maybe two, people in a family that are willing to take the emotional risk and time to keep the family together. In my husband's family it was me and my MIL. When she passed I couldn't do it alone, not enough response.

Just my experience with family and closeness.

[Float On]

I'm close to my parents even though they are 200 miles away. DH says we live 1200 miles from his family for a reason. I'm not close to my only sibling, a younger (by 2 years) brother. DH is close to 1 of 3 siblings (he is #3 in the age line).

[Tradd]

I'm the eldest of two siblings, brother about two years younger. I've not seen him in more than 10 years or so. Doesn't really bother me. He and I *never* got along. I'm not close with my parents either. Dad was an alcoholic for many years, getting dry through AA after I left for college (so about 24 years ago). Never got along with parents, either. They were always super critical of anything I've done. Mind you, I was the overly responsible good kid. The only good thing they did for me was paying for college. I was the first one in the family to attend, let alone graduate. That's still the case.

My brother lives seven hours away from my parents with his family and I live six hours away. I've not seen my parents since 2002 (24 hour visit) and it's been 10 years since I saw them for a weekend. Thank goodness they hate the traffic in my city and so don't pop in like they do with my brother!

As for the extended family - I've lost touch with the many relatives on my mom's side when I moved three states away in 1996. I did like some of them, though. On dad's side - very, very blue collar. They didn't know what to do with me doing academically well in high school and actually harassed me about it at family gatherings. College? Boggles their mind. Seriously. I was glad when I graduated from high school and wasn't forced to go to holiday gatherings with them anymore. They were just awful.

Dad's relatives - They can't relate to me and I can't relate to them. We never really liked each other very much, so no problemo not seeing them at all.

I make my own family through close friends. It will certainly be interesting when I tell my new sweetie about the family! He already knows I don't go back very much at the holidays, but that's it. He's an only child, still close with his parents, but not many other relatives left alive.

[Tradd]

I get a lot of quizzical looks from some who ask about whether I'm seeing my family during the holidays and I say, "no,"

Yep, me, too. Some folks think you *have* to associate with bio relatives, regardless of how they've treated you. Being the child of an alcoholic was just utter hell. Little physical abuse, aside from regular spanking of a kid (although when I was a freshman in high school, my dad tried to take a belt to me when he didn't like something I did. Me, 5'5, maybe 130 lbs, took on dad who was 6'2" 200lbs. I hit back - and HARD. He *never* tried to physically mess with me again). Plenty of verbal abuse, though - and that still happens. Drove me more into the books I was already very inclined to read. When I tell folks exactly why I don't associate with the parents, they often say, "Oh, it can't be that bad!" Uh, yes, it is, folks! Parents say one thing to other people - "Oh, we're so proud of her." But yet directly to me via email (or phone, before I got wise and don't talk to them anymore), - "Why would they want YOU as president?" when I told them I was elected prez of a local denominational association. Mom always told me I couldn't sing. Well, here I am, a very active and valued member of my parish's choir, and welcomed into the choir of other parishes in the area. Mom's reaction, "But you CAN'T sing!" Ah, yes, I can.

So, now, I just do whatever I want without telling the family anything about it. I've got gifts and skills that they denigrate, that are much appreciated by others. I'm a relatively happy, busy, responsible adult, active in my community, with an interest in intellectual things that everyone in the family puts down.

And people wonder why I don't see the parents. <rolls eyes>

[Stella]

razz the teleconferencing was really easy. Dad and my sister both have mac laptops so we used ichat. My nephew is actually able to set it up by himself and he's nine years old. He and my dad also use facetime on their iphones for videoconferencing. I know other people with PCs that use Skype.

It's really fun to be able to see the other people we're talking to. The kids were showing each other their Christmas presents and Cheyenne and Auntie were discussing their current hairstyles. It added a different dimension to the conversation.

I'm starting to feel like there might be a breakthrough coming in family closeness with us. There's serious talk about travelling to see each other and maybe having my nephew stay with us for a couple of weeks this summer. We'll see how it pans out.

[Glo]

My immediate family was always close;after our parents died, my brother and I continued to be very close. Until the last presidential election. Apparently he didn't like my politics, told me so, and cut off our relationship. I didn't much like his politics either, but so what? I have lots of friends and relatives that don't agree on various things, but we all get along. Thank God I still have a good relationship with my SIL, neices, and nephew.

DH and I are very close to our three sons and DIL. We moved to the community I grew up in 3 years ago and I have a lot of extended family here. We all get along well and see each other often. Last Thanksgiving we had 82 people at dinner; it was so fun!

[Mighty Frugal]

Argh..first new site fatality-wrote a huge post and lost it!

I am super close to with my 2 sisters. Each week we meet at my moms house. We sit around my moms kitchen table drinking too much coffee and just talking. We've been doing this for over 20 years and during that time we've all married, had children, and moved around. But we still meet each week. When our kids were babies they would sit around the table with us...sucking on teaspoons, spilling sugar and being generally cute. As they grew older they started to listen to our gossiping, so we would begin to spell our words..when they learned to spell we would switch to speaking Italian

I have some good friends but I would be very lonely without my sisters. I also have 2 brothers, not super close but see them often. We are a very close family.

[catherine]

Interesting question...

My family of origin were close in that we loved each other, but far in that we never expressed our emotions, because of my father's alcoholism. I saw a cartoon once that perfectly described my parents and my three siblings--there were 6 little islands in the middle of an ocean. There was one person sitting alone on each little island. The caption read "The Dysfunctional Family Robinson." That was a PERFECT description of my family. Just worlds apart from each other emotionally, being superficially good to each other but harboring all kinds of stuff we dared not share.

My family today (DH, DS32, DS30, DS26, DD25) are EXTREMELY close. Ironically, alcohol is still present in the family (my DH), but we are very open and honest with each other. My kids have taught me volumes about how one can express feelings in a calm, non-judgemental, non-threatening way.

I regret that I have only lately reached out to reconnect meaningfully with my family of origin--my three brothers. Again ironically, all but one of us has found surrogate families that filled that emotional distance. All of the families we married into were very strong and close. Where my mother wound up marrying 3 times, dumping one alcoholic for another, none of us have divorced.

I think that what makes a strong, close family is appreciation for each other's individuality, a genuine appreciation for each member, and pure enjoyment in being with them. Honesty and open communication is vital, but with no judgement. Mutual respect is also important. I think my kids are really close, because honestly, they are all fun to be around, and do interesting things--for work and play. They each have a great sense of humor and you just feel the love when you're with them. At least I do--maybe just because I'm their mom. But this is what I see in most successful families.

[redfox]

I'm close to all but my brother, who has removed himself from our family. One of the books that changed my view of family is Extraordinary Relationships, by Dr. Roberta Gilbert.

[canadianrose]

I'm currently on the other side of Canada from my family, and if there was work available in the area for me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I've always been close to my parents, and less so with my brother. He and I just lead such different lives, it's hard to reconnect after being away for 5 years or so. I wish I was still close to my cousins, they all live in that same area, too. All together we were a group of 7, 1 or 2 years apart in age, and they all still gather frequently.