It's hard to keep an "eye" on your mother when you are far away. But it's like loosechickens says, your mother has to be pretty far down before the law considers her unable to make decisions for herself.
It's hard to keep an "eye" on your mother when you are far away. But it's like loosechickens says, your mother has to be pretty far down before the law considers her unable to make decisions for herself.
You still might want to consider contacting elderly services in the area your mom lives as they can point you to resources she may be eligible for such as meals on wheels and at-home nurse visits. Additionally, if you really believe she will be better off in a nursing home, chances are "they" aka elder services will make the same conclusion and "they" will be the bad guys. In this way you will be able to reach your desired outcome (mom in a better environment) with reduced family friction.
Elder care social workers are very adept at working with scared elders who do not want to leave their homes. They really make an effort to work through the concerns so that no one is the bad guy. They are also good at uncovering myriad solutions, and can assess the needs of an elder, helping him or her to make sound decisions.
The right consultant is a good thing!
Can't agree more! Give your brother some of the excellent options suggested on this thread and have him go look into them. I don't need to know the whole story between you and your mom, but it doesn't sound as if you need to bear the brunt of this situation.Originally Posted by Tammy
Thank you all so much. It felt so good to unburden myself here, since I couldn't say much at home.
Things are not as grim as they seemed, I think. I found an agency that offers homemaking help, bathing and dressing assistance as well as transportation, and got her to consider an electric lift chair. Mentally, she is still pretty sharp, so that is not really a problem. She is a little forgetful, but I think a lot of that is because she actually can't hear much of what is said to her. We already have Meals on Wheels (on the waiting list for over a year). Unfortunately, they are in an area that doesn't have a lot to offer, but I think what we have for the present will work. She can have the agency in as little or as often as she wants, but they don't bill to medicare. I think she can afford it if she has to pay herself, and I told my brother to check and see if any of her other insurance might kick in, even a little. Had a hard time getting her to understand about the electric lift chair, but the salesman did an excellent job of explaining to her what it could do for her. My db called back this morning and ordered it, and it will be delivered on Mon. Mobility is the big issue, because my mom often gets dizzy, and very shaky. Drs. can't really explain that, and she gets frustrated and is up and down constantly, tending to the cats (we kids never got that kind of care!), washing dishes, and doing whatever else pops into her head. We got her to quit trying to go downstairs to the basement (db does the laundry), and to quit trying to do a few other things, so I hope that between that and the help we can get that we will be okay for a while. She can't keep up with the housework because of her COPD and arthritis, so I did some cleaning (think I would need about a month to do it all), took her to do some shopping and to look at the lift chairs. Now we need a small lift that will take her up the one step from the driveway to the porch. She was treated for macular degeneration, and now she has glaucoma, so vision is an issue. I'm trying to get her to get one of those shower stalls that is level with the floor, so she won't have to step over anything to get in, but that is slow going. I think her idea of the cost of it is a bit high, but she won't listen to me, and I have had trouble getting them to call me back. Still, I think we are on the right track.
My db hasn't been a real lot of help, but he has just been diagnosed with a chromosomal defect and, with treatment, is starting to feel better and have more energy. So I am hopeful that we are finally starting to get somewhere. It is frustrating to be so far away. It is hard to hear your mother yell at you, when that is something she ordinarily wouldn't do. I guess we both got on each other's nerves. It is good to be home, but my dd has warned me that the girls are fighting constantly. It's always something, isn't it?
I'm so sorry dg. I live away from my parents and whenever I go home to see them it's a similar situation. What made me feel a little better about it is I read somewhere that as some elderly people become fearful of the aging process they often tend to lash out at their loved ones. So try not to take it personally. I know that is SO hard.
I go through this with my folks on a weekly basis during our phone calls. I almost swore I wouldn't talk to my Dad anymore because he's just so mean on the phone, but DH taught me this great response: whenever he says something ugly, all I need to do is breathe, center myself mentally and reply calmly with "Oh really? Is that so?" and leave it at that. It's calming for me and it leaves him stumped for a retort.
It's good to hear things are better today. Anytime you need to vent this is a great place.
That's why I came here. I knew people would have consoling, yet helpful things to say, and I was having a hard time with not enough sleep and just too much coming at me at once. I was able to get hold of myself and get some things done. Not everything is perfect, but you can only do so much at a time, and things are better. My mom tends to save up a lot of stuff until I get there to deal with it. I can see that for awhile I am going to have to go a little more often.
Thanks for being here. There is not a better bunch of people anywhere!
so glad to see your latest posts domestic goddess....sounds like you've put a lot of things in motion that will give assistance to your mom.....and if you ARE able to enlist your brothers help, if necessary, pointing out that if SHE is able to continue to manage living at home, it also means that HE has a home, so it's greatly to his advantage to help you and help your mom to be able to stay in her own home.
obviously, the situation will never be as you would probably like it to be, but if you can set into place enough where you know your mom is at least able to maintain a semblance of daily life, is not endangered, and is able to keep it together reasonably, it's probably the best you can do.
and as Humboldt Gurl said, they often, when THEY begin to feel out of control of their lives, lash out at the people trying to help them, as though YOU are the enemy, so just try to let it go in one ear and out the other and know that she's not herself anymore, really, despite having most all of her marbles, and that you are doing what a good daughter does, which is to try to make sure she is cared for. You can't really do any more than that, and can't even accomplish that without some help from her, and hopefully some from your brother, if you can illustrate to him which side of the bread is buttered for him.........
I think now is the time to get organized and keep a separate journal / to-do list so whenever you're with your Mom you can keep track of things you're working on, and note which ones need to be looked at later on.
I really hope your brother helps out! Your Mom is so fortunate to have you for a daughter. Brothers pften tend to be kinda worthless for these kinds of things, IMHO. I'm sure there are exceptions though and hopefully your brother is one of those gems.
I'm glad to hear of your update.
I think everyone has said some great things so I'll just add a (hug).
Dealing with hard of hearing/aging/in-home son with health problems/change/health issues/etc/etc/etc is a full time job and difficult to do from a distance.
Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.
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