Coming Out of The Closet

[bae]

The thing that always puzzles me about the gay/straight classification is that there is in reality a continuum of behaviour and desires.

The Law of the Excluded Middle applies well to Boolean logic, but often produces a fallacy when applied to real-world situations. And tends to obscure important truths.

[artist]

I think it's easier when you are in a relationship. I know it was much easier for my friends to tell me when they were in a relationship. I believe in honesty and if you are going to run into someone a lot, it's important that you tell them. If you only see them every 6 years or so, then it's not so important. If you feel you need to tell the guy you used to work with, then send an email explaining that you didn't feel comfortable explaing yourself on a city bus.

You are who you are and the people who love you, care about you etc... They will be ok with it, even it it means getting over some initial surprise for some. Those who turn their backs, are not worth your time.

JMO

[bke]

THe first thing that came to mind when I read your post was that its time for us to start becoming more used to using the term significant other. Or maybe I need to start using that phrase more. We don't assume straight couples are married anymore and I for one, think the term boyfriend/girlfriend stops sounding appropriate as people mature. As a married heterosexual woman I don't feel the need to share my preferences with anyone and neither should you. Significant other lets people know you are in a relationship (unavailable) and hopefully isn't judgemental at all but leaves an opening for you to share as much or as little as you desire to.

I'm sorry that we still live in a world where you still have to worry about who you can be completely honest with about who you are. We need to get passed the point where this is even an issue. I had a friend in college who just about destroyed himself getting up the courage to come out to family and friends. Life shouldn't be that difficult. Good people come in all different packages anyone who doesn't respect and love you for who you truely are isn't worth the energy to try and get them to think differently.

Thanks for the reminder that I need to be more sensitive when speaking to someone I don't know very well. I hate to think that I might make someone feel uncomfortable around me because I've made an assumpton about something like their sexuality.

[redfox]

In a world of assumptions, coming out is a deeply personal experience... rather than it being a label, it's truth telling. Most folks assume one is heterosexual. This renders those of us who are gender or sexual identity variant invisible. Who one loves & may (or may not) partner with is a core part of our cultural identities. So much of so-called normative behavior is about opposite sex, monogamous coupling.

When I was lesbian identified, I gauged the safety of coming out in every social situation. Every one. It was exhausting, yet necessary, especially in the Midwest in the 70's where lesbians & gay men were targeted for horrific violence, aka hate crimes, and no one cared.

When I fell in love with a guy, I spent a year in shock as I "passed" for straight. It took me some time to get used to not having to second-guess others around me, worrying about my personal safety, etc. The privilege of being immediately accpeted as "normal" is powerful, and until one has spent 21 years on the other side, likely impossible to describe.

[RCWRTR]

I've always found honesty to be the best policy. As far as I'm concerned, if people choose not to accept me for who I am, that's their problem.


“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel)

[gimmethesimplelife]

As a gay man, the OP's post really has me thinking. I am 45 years of age now and society has changed so much about this whole issue - mostly for the better - in the past two decades. I live in a fairly conservative city in a fairly conservative state and honestly, most people here could care less about your sexual orientation, they have much more important things to worry about these days. I think some of my more uncomfortable experiences I have had with this issue took place when I worked for an upscale national pizza chain restaurant. Almost all of the men on the floor were gay and this restaurant was located very close to many of the gay clubs and bars in Phoenix. I was the only gay man there who was not living the life as they put it, and I was treated less than for it - by the gays! That was a bit of an eye opener as I had never encountered that before.....Being introverted, not staying out all hours of the night, not living as if life were a constant party among other things worked against me, and I really felt much more comfortable around the straight folks at that workplace.

Since then, this past year when I worked at the North Rim, I was out to everyone and something really nice happened. I had a young lady and her fiance tell me that I defied every stereotype they had of gay men and that they really respected me for it. That really made my season for me as though I wasn't treated poorly for it, I did run across some of the not fitting in with gay life on this job, too. Rob

[RCWRTR]

I think I would be offended if someone were to tell me that they respected me for defying gay stereotypes. To me, that's the equivalent of saying it's OK to be gay, so long as you don't act gay in public. As I see it, you are deserving of respect by virtue of being a human being, regardless of your sexual orientation. It's a shame that the young woman and her fiance felt it necessary to give respect conditionally and that we must live in a world where prejudice exists.

[gimmethesimplelife]

RCWRTR - I can see your point. I think the reason I did not find this offensive is that the other gay men in the park were mostly partying every night, often did not show up on time for work, were quite public about their sex lives, in general fit a stereotype that I at least believe some straight people have of gays. Their comment to me I found soothing in the sense that I don't fit this stereotype - and there are many others who don't, I am aware of this - unfortunately in this very isolated area I was the only one who did not. I still see your point about respect being given conditionally - however, I have been on the other side of this being shown disrespect for not fitting in with the life I mentioned above - point being in my experience, gays also exist who dole out respect conditionally. As I said before, it was quite an eye opener when I experienced this from other gay men. Rob

[RCWRTR]

Thanks for elaborating, Rob. I don't fit the stereotype some straight people have of gays either, but I haven't received such comments. Perhaps it's my attitude, or perhaps my "look" (muscles, tattoos and piercings)? I've been told that I can be intimidating and that I put out a "don't f*ck with me" vibe. Perhaps it's because I'm a father and have a 19 year old daughter? Maybe it's because my partner and I are both masculine men or that I enjoy sports? Who knows?! I like to think of myself as a complex person and anyone who would dismiss or disrespect me based on my sexual orientation alone is not worth my time or respect. I suspect you are a complex human being too and that you may feel similarly.

[lizii]

My younger sister who is 18 months younger than I am, is gay. I feel cheated out of having a sister, since we are so different from each other...I was the girly girl who played with dolls, etc., she played with toy cars and other boy toys of the era, so we had nothing in common, and still don't.

This was during the late 1930s when it was thought that children who weren't normal had to be hidden away, the same as people with mental conditions, or being pregnant...in fact I had to stop working when I started to show I was pregnant since it was thought that pregnancy had to be hidden so that others wouldn't be embarrassed by seeing us. I had to go into a different room to nurse my babies, because seeing it would have embarrassed others, even other women. Even my mother didn't watch me nursing my babies.

I think we must have been influenced by the Victorian era. Thankfully it is ok for young mothers to nurse their babies in public areas. These young women use a scarf to cover their breasts while they are nursing in public areas.