Community-building outside of church

[Gardenarian]

I belong to many groups - Friends of the Library, local environmental groups, several homeschooling support groups. But none of these provide the weekly socializing, bonding, and support that a church would offer. We are none of us committed to each other, and may leave the group at any time. I would love to have the support that is offered by a church, but there is no church in our town that I feel I could be a part of (we only have the one Catholic church.)

I'm trying to start an ongoing game night with my neighbors - all great people - but the scheduling is hard. My hope is that by playing cards or Scrabble once week we will become closer-knit and feel more like a family.

I have actually considered trying to start a church in my town, because it seems a non-denominational spiritual center is really needed.

The Lions Club and Eagles are popular in our town, and do tremendous work - but not my particular cup of tea.

[Kestrel]

We of course have some close groups within our church -- a weekly meditation group in people's homes or sometimes at church, a twice-a-month spiritual-discussion group at church, twice-a-month lunches out, and other spontaneous things. Also church-business meetings, committees and the like, and a group involved in planning interfaith services/activities.

We are also involved in starting a cohousing community in Boise and have become good friends with the others who are also working on this. We definitely plan to live in an intentional COMMUNITY with these people. Unfortunately, we have made no attempt to build community in our current neighborhood, and no one else has either. To make excuses ... we're retired and are just about the only ones home all day. And when they come home from work they go inside and that's the last you see of them, even on weekends. Only one family has kids, so not even any kids playing. And, we're often gone as well, to one of our church-related groups during the day and often in the evening. Yes, we could just invite someone over for dinner or the like, but just haven't ...

[goldensmom]

Excellent topic. I read the OP when I got home from Wednesday church last night. At the service I observed people who’d been attending/committed to that church for their whole lives, some were second and third generations. They key is commitment. I’ve been in and out of groups throughout my lifetime depending on my interests which come and go, wax and wane and I think this is common. My only constant is church.

Now to the OP regarding groups aside from a church….I really don’t know of any group/organization that will provide the tight, community you are looking for aside from a church/spiritual group because usually the commitment to that type of organization is what I call ‘soul-deep’ and members have a sense of ‘stick-to-it-ness’ often lacking in a common interest focused group. The groups already mentioned will provide social interaction if your expectations for a strong commitment are not too high because peoples interests fluctuate and they will come and go. I like to organize so if I were to want a group that would at least try to meet the needs I find important, I’d find a kindred spirit, brain storm and start a group.

[Spartana]

Mira - I haven't read all the responses yet but if it hasn't been mentioned already, check out the Meet Up groups in your area. Around here (biggish city) there are literally thousands of meet up groups with a VERY wide array of interests. Many people build tight communities in Meet up groups based on shared interests. www.meetup.com

[mira]

Thank you so much everyone. It is comforting to know that there are others out there looking for the same thing. I think part of the problem in this neighbourhood is that it's expansive and very densely populated in a city, which, weirdly, makes it a bit more difficult for a strong community to form. Everyone keeps to themselves.

Maybe this is the wrong attitude, but I've kind of resigned myself to not being part of a tight community until we move to a quieter area, populated with houses instead of multi-residence apartment blocks. Everything feels so isolated here, dispersed and individualistic.

I'm going to try and be more active in the community organisation I mentioned though - their Halloween party is coming up soon.

I've been to Meetup.com groups before but never really stuck around. It felt like the too many people to get to know at once for me. Maybe most of the problem is ME!

[Tussiemussies]

Do also have this issue, it has been very hard to make any new friends where we live now. I just looked up the meetup groups in my area and there is no knitting/crochet which I would be interested in.

In our neighborhood no one speaks to each other --the truth!

Would like to at least have a few friends...

[HappyHiker]

Love this topic...we all need "community." Though I belong to several women's groups, after a while, they mostly devolve into talk about kids, grandkids and medical issues...a little of that goes a long way for me.

I've been kicking round the idea of starting a Sunday Salon...saw this concept posted in a town 12 hours from me and found it appealing. I t took place at a local restaurant and went from noon to 2 PM. They brought local experts and thought leaders to address the group. The one I saw posted was on the topic of Art and how it contributes to the community. Had I lived in that town, you'd find me there...

I hunger for substantive discussion and talk and shared activities. So my suggestion is to attend events and investigate groups that speak to your spirit and soul and be brazen and approach others who seem to be on your wave-length.

And I hope to take my own advice and do the same...maybe we can attract and adopt kindred spirits and create our heart groups...

Let us know how it goes.

[Tussiemussies]

Happy Hiker, I also don't want to be in a group where the main discussion is about ailments, gossip and politics. That is one reason I have not pursued looking things up on meet- up until now...your Sunday Salon sounds like a fantastic idea. .

[SimplyL]

Love this thread. I actually took a class at church, over the weekend. We spoke about community and how it parallels with an individuals feeling of 'happiness'. I'll write below that I really prefer to be by myself the majority of the time. With that said, I *feel* a strong sense of community (and that is because of my church), and personality wired, just don't need the direct interactions as often as maybe others do.

Personally, the area that we live in, while it contributes to our lifestyle in many positive ways. It also is a detractor that high consumption, more surface friendships just exist. People want to weed out what your husband 'does', how much money your household makes. Superficiality. Kids have to be in the *right* sport, parents even have to wear the *right* things, drive the *right* cars, go to the *right* places on vacation. It's pretty exhausting with where I am today, to even be around those kind of conversations without inside screaming and looking for an escape. Still, we have found some really nice people that we consider friends. I think one part of the process in simplifying, which we've found over the years.. is quality over quanitity. If you apply this to most aspects of your life, I think it will help. And that includes the number of friends that you have, though, acquantances.. Those people have a place in your life, too. I really enjoy chit chatting with the bagger at Publix. He's the retired aviator that knows all about what my husband does for a living, he also bikes 20 miles a day and is in his 70s, he's witty and fun to talk with. And I think, 'man, I want to be that energetic and fun when I'm his age!' Those are the type of folks I mean that I really don't 'know' but enjoy.

So, I would say:
If you bike, go bike.
If you like to go to a park, go to a park.
If you like free festivals, go to the free festivals.
etc. etc.

The friends will come through those avenues of like minded interests. It may take a little while, so be patient. You may find some diversity in that, too. There may be the nice, new friend that really likes to go to the library with her thermos of coffee and sit with new books she's checked out at the adjacent park. You guys could start a reading group, enjoy your coffee, and talk about what you're reading. But maybe she loathes biking or whatever other simple activities you enjoy. So, she can be your library friend that maybe you'll invite out for other things. Maybe she'll say yes, maybe it's not her thing.. You'll see.

Variety is the spice of life. So, just be open to little interactions. As time goes on, you're expanding your 'community'.
I struggle with this, as it's not how I'm wired. I can feel comfort because I'm on a forum with like minded people. However, in real world, I'm incredibly introverted until I get to know someone. And I'll be honest, I actually really enjoy being to myself. So, I do have to nudge myself when I meet someone that I realize vibes with my lifestyle, that passes my 'gut check' (because I also have that working against me). This week, met a friend with her kids. That's the only outing that I've had with friends all week. And I'm really fine with that. Whereas, I have friends that really have a stronger need to plan things at least every other day and on the weekend, when I'd rather just be with my family. During the week, when the kids are in school, I really want to take care of my household, bike, run errands, etc. but if a friend calls (or if it's been a while since I've seen them), I'll call and invite. Usually for tea or coffee. So far, haven't come across a friend that's game for a 5 mile bike ride on an errands route with a stop for lunch. However, when I do go by myself, there's usually the waitress there that works in the outdoor seating. She knows that I have Rheumatoid, always loves to ask what errands I'm running that day. So, we talk about that type of stuff.. Or I sometimes have a funny story with something that I biked past. She lives in the next city over, doesn't bike, so she gets a kick out just the novelty (I guess) of my hauling my sack with packages for the post office and whatever I may haul from the grocer on the way back.

Anyhow, hope that gives you reassurance if the bonafide 'friends' that you may be seeking, don't come quickly.

[awakenedsoul]

Welcome, SimplyL, great post! I'm having the same problem. When I was younger, I felt like I had a built in social life with work. I've tried a few of knitting groups here, but only found one so far where I feel comfortable. The first one the women were very cliquey and critized new people's knitting. ("That's terrible.") I'm a beginning knitter, and I don't want to have to deal with that. The other one is also very tight knit. (No pun intended.) They don't even speak to new people, and they glare at you and give you dirty looks. It's really weird. There were some nice people there, too. I tried to just focus on them. One woman was very friendly, but she spent the whole time obsessing over her kids. It kind of drained me.

I've been starting to travel more. I realized that location makes a big difference when it comes to the type of people you meet. Although this area is great for me on a financial level, socially, it's very challenging.