A Crisis of Fellowship?

[bUU]

I'm wondering if anyone else is encountering an issue that has recently come up here. It has been our practice, each year, to seek to match those in our church who don't have or aren't able to spend holidays with their own family with families that are willing to open their holiday celebrations, whether it be Passover, Thanksgiving or Christmas, to other members of our community. This year, for the first time anyone could remember, we've had difficulties making all the connections we need to make. Some of those who we could count on in the past have passed on, have moved into assisted living centers, or otherwise can no longer contribute, and we haven't been successful back-filling this year.

This disturbed me quite a lot, because a wonderful older, single woman was unfortunately left outside our community's embrace for Christmas this year. I would have like to invite her to join with us, but we're vegetarians and due to a misunderstanding the assumption was made that we would not be at least a good "last resort" for making such connections.

I know that this could just be an aberration, but it does seem like we're passing into a time of crisis of fellowship. We are still the same loving, accepting, compassionate and wonderful community we have always been, but it does seem, in many cases, we are having difficulty scaring up enough volunteers for many of what have been regular fellowship activities.

I wonder if others are experiencing or have experienced situations like this in their communities. Is it a trend in society overall? A reflection of something we need to now start doing differently? Or is it just natural and common for religious communities to have lean years when so many people are so stretched to just keep their own lives above water that they don't have much bandwidth left over to devote to fostering fellowship within the community?

[SteveinMN]

First, welcome, Bicker! (Even if you've been here a while and haven't posted, we still haven't met.)

DW and I are not active in a faith community, but both of us have seen similar behavior at work and in other groups which depend on volunteers. I think what you're seeing is a natural progression of things, though the causes themselves are engineered by (the general) us.

For years, companies and non-profits (I'll include government employees here) have been adding workload but no workers. A 50-hour week is not at all unusual, and many people are still "on call" away from work. That's like working an extra day/day-and-a-half a week, leaving people with less non-work time and, often, less energy for other interests. Organizational cultures have changed, too.

As an example, for six years, I coordinated a monthly volunteer event at work. Employees were given an afternoon (paid) to work at a food shelf. My almost 200 volunteers dwindled to around 60 due to retirements, layoffs, people leaving the department, people who felt too stretched to take the time, and a diminishing endorsement by management. I ended up closing down the project, both for lack of participants and the food shelf's dependence on having a certain number of us show up each month.

In addition, the last few years in particular have been tough on many financially -- no raises or COLAs despite rising prices, even more jobs shed or hours reduced, savings and investments "disappearing", and a lousy job market that made tolerating that one of very few options. Besides the energy this takes from people, there is the matter of their feeling financially comfortable stretching to accommodate others.

I suspect we're also seeing a rising lack of commitment among people as institutions treat them as more dispensable or just ask too much. An example here: after the Haiti earthquake, I donated a very modest sum to a global reputable medical aid organization. I am absolutely certain they have spent that many times over since then to solicit more donations from me. That disappoints me and, honestly, makes me less likely to give to them in the future. I understand asking once in a great while or asking a few times and drawing the obvious conclusion. But both DW and I have been part of volunteer efforts which continually asked for more and more commitment -- the old "elephant's trunk in the tent" metaphor -- to the point at which we're very selective about where we put our time and money. That, unfortunately, puts the bar very high for new organizations looking for help. I'm not saying this is the case with your church, but I think "donation fatigue" is very real.

As for what can be done about it? The problem is resolvable, but it will not be quick and it will not come without a significant societal shift in perspective, IMHO.

[bUU]

Thanks for your insights. It makes a lot of sense, for sure.

[bunnys]

In future I would not worry two seconds about inviting a non-vegetarian to your home for the holiday. I wouldn't even mention the fact to the organizers because to be honest, that shouldn't even register as a problem on someone's radar.

If I had been that woman and I had preferred to spend the holidays with someone, I would have been very disappointed not to have been asked because the people who organized it thought that a vegetarian family was a "last resort" and not preferable to me spending the day alone. It's quite ludicrous that someone would imply something like that. And it's probably a result that the organizer didn't really think about the implications of the decision they were making.

Just put your name on the list, accept the name of your invitee and serve your meal (without explanation.) If I were invited to a home where my hosts had an interesting and different diet, I'd consider the experience an adventure.

[Tammy]

Some of this community is being done organically outside of church walls. Example - we invited about a dozen friends and acquaintences for thanksgiving, as my husband and I were far from our kids and parents this year. 2 friends came over and we had a lot of fun. This wasn't organized by anyone, there's no promise it will happen next year, and it didn't feel like volunteering. Its my opinion that organic community is springing up outside of organized religious and social structures, gradually taking their place in our society.

My husband was a pastor for 20 years. We watched huge changes occur in the church in the 80s and 90s, and continue to observe change from the outside now. People are increasingly disinterested in organized group activities, and increasingly searching for a handful of friends who will be like family to each other.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

All good answers above, and I just want to add one observation I have made: growing up, holidays were always big deals in our house with huge meals for whatever occasion with all the extended family present. Lots of cooking and even though it was never formal, (rural Kentucky - think the Waltons less sanitized), it was warm and inviting. In my adult life this continued even as the family dwindled through deaths of the older ones and even when it was just DH, my mother & stepfather and me, we continued on with our traditions. Knowing that some restaurants served meals on Thanksgiving I would remark that I thought that was so sad, to go out and eat on Thanksgiving and not be at home with family. As the years went by and there finally was just DH and myself, it became difficult to know what to do, so for the past three years we have gotten together with a single male friend who essentially has no family, and we go out to a big Thanksgiving buffet for the meal then spend hours afterword talking and laughing. This has worked out great for us. We go to the same location which is a state resort park and we have plenty of room after the meal to find a spot in the lobby or in an unused meeting room to do our visiting. This year, at the same place, we were all three astounded at the sheer number of people there for the meal! We had to wait a very long time, which was okay, but the amazement at so many people coming out to eat struck us all. Then a couple of days before Christmas DH and I went on a short overnight trip and when we stopped at a chain restaurant for breakfast they had a sign saying for families to join them for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day! Even more so, I was shocked! We used to travel on Christmas Day and would always joke that we had to find a Waffle House because they were the ONLY places open on Christmas Day! Apparently that is no longer true. My take on it is this: families that prepared and hosted large family holiday meals were mainly done by the older members, and as that generation is dying out the younger ones are not as interested in keeping the tradition alive, doing the work and having the whole family in. It is easier to go out and eat. I am generalizing here, but from what I see in my area, I do feel this is at least partly the case. Too much work, too much time, too much clean up after, when there is a restaurant that will do all that for you. I see this also happening in other gatherings like family reunions. DH's family has held one each May for the past several years, and as the older family members have passed others are not making the effort to get together. The number has gone done until each year we wonder if there will be one next year. There is one older lady who mainly holds it all together and I think when she is gone this too will go by the wayside. Not as much dedication or interest from the younger ones. Just my take.

Oh, and Bicker, I would love to be invited to your home to share a vegetarian meal! I eat no red meat anyway, and very little meat of any kind is eaten in my house at all, so I would be happy with veggies! On the other hand when I am invited to someone's home for a meal, and I get there and they have a huge roast on the table and then they find out I can't eat it, I just always reassure them "I love veggies - as long as you have these wonderful veggies here and good bread, I'm fine!". It doesn't stress me that their meal isn't tailored to my needs, I can eat around it.

[herbgeek]

I wonder how much of our societal changes are due to what I call "pay per view" experience.

When I grew up, there were 3 networks. You found something you liked on one of those 3 (my parents), or you turned the television off (me). Fast forward to today, people are accustomed to watching what they want to watch, when they want to watch it. It started with pay per view, and is now on demand.

People are way more likely to eat out these days, and again, they are used to eating what they want when they want it. This attitude of "what I want when I want it" pervades everything. People are less likely to deal with the community at large because there might be people they don't like as much. People are less likely to embrace religion as a whole package, and just pick the parts they like. People are more vocal about making their food preferences known for dinner parties instead of just graciously accepting what is offered. There is less compromise, or putting up with something that is perhaps sub-optimal. That, and the time crunch and you have another factor for people just picking out the parts of life they like and less likely to do things for the greater good, if it isn't also good for them in this moment.

[awakenedsoul]

I agree with the above posts. I don't think as many people cook large holiday meals. anymore. Now that both parents work in most households, there isn't as much time available for domestic activities. I spent Christmas with my parents. We stayed at a hotel and went out to eat. It was really nice. My mom and I used to cook at huge meal at home. Now that my parents are older, I was doing all the work ten people, and it was too much for me. My friends say the same thing. It's also tiring to drive a long way before and after the meal. We used to invite older relatives over on holidays. After they passed away, that stopped.
I've never been comfortable in large groups. I prefer to be with a small group of friends, one on one with a close friend, or on my own. People have less tolerance now. I think they are also overtired and underpaid. Many are strained, financially.

I stopped volunteering at our local grammar school for a few reasons. The kids were out of control and undisciplined. The teachers were angry and burnt out. (understandably.) The principal was a workaholic and kept pressuring me to give more time, energy and work. She expected way too much, and drove herself just as hard. ( I still see her there on Sundays, working.) She would call me at the last minute and want me to show up. She was always stressed and behind. I didn't enjoy it. Now I help new people learn to knit and crochet at our Fiber Arts group at the library. It's quiet, stress free, and just once a month for three hours.

[Tammy]

Another factor is smaller families. We had 60-100 people at my grandmas' holidays, so going out to eat would cost a fortune. The same number of generations today only totals 21 people in my family. Projecting ahead, when I'm in the oldest generation in a few more decades,its looking like the total will be maybe 12, with a few great grand children perhaps being born.

Also, we live scattered all over usa and Canada. Those 60-100 people of my childhood lived in about 4-5 neighboring counties.

[Miss Cellane]

Agreeing with what everyone else has said. There's also volunteer burnout. I've noticed that volunteer coordinators tend to call on the same group of volunteers over and over and over. It's not hard to understand why--there's a tested pool of volunteers they know and trust and who usually say "yes." Saves the coordinator tons of time and energy to make 12 phone calls and get 10 volunteers, than to call 25 new people and maybe get 6 or 7 people. But it does two things--the old volunteers get burned out and new people, who'd like to volunteer and take part in things never get the chance.

There's also the fact that organizations change over time. As new people enter a group and others leave, the focus can change. What was once a primary volunteer activity is no longer. When an organization can't get volunteers to work on something that has always had a lot of volunteers in the past, then the activity needs to be examined. Is this a one-time shortage of volunteers, or are people "voting with their feet" and telling the organizers that this activity no longer meets their needs? Maybe the activity needs to be restructured somehow--a large group dinner instead of inviting people to private homes, to use the example in the OP. Or maybe the activity needs to be dropped completely and something else found that is more interesting to the current organization.