The right to challenge family members behavior

[CaseyMiller]

The bad decisions we all make in life often take years to manifest into bad results. A family member choosing to smoke three packs a day can do so for decades before developing lung problems if ever at all. The sibling that chooses to live way beyond their means, constantly in debt, can live decades with little signs of poverty. You get my point. The thing is this...

I'm now old enough to see the long term negative effects of where these bad decisions lead. I see them both in myself and, more precisely, in my close family members. For us frugal types, when we see such behavior, it is easy to believe it will never turn into our problem. It is none of our business. Truth be told though, few of us can turn away from the needs of a sick parent. Or, perhaps, to deny shelter to a destitute sibling when they are basically homeless.

Close family members have destroyed their health by drinking and/or smoking. These addictions are expensive so there is extreme poverty along with the health issues. During the decades of bad behavior and substance abuse any hint or mention that the family member should change their ways was often met with a snarling rebuke.

To my point - in hindsight, I wish I would have been far more vocal about the bad decisions/behavior I witnessed. There were many verbal brawls but I should have pushed it much farther than I did. Eventually I just gave up. Now, I am saddled with the care and expense these bad decisions manifested into.

Unless there is no doubt we can turn our backs on close family members in their desperate time of need, than I believe we have the right and responsibility to call them out on their bad decisions/behavior.

[iris lily]

...I believe we have the right and responsibility to call them out on their bad decisions/behavior.

Whatever you say--highly unlikely that will change anything. If you want to "call them out" once on it--ok. But it is naive to think that will turn any behavior around based on your words. And, how much help you lend to someone in need, to someone without resources who made a choice to smoke them up, is again up to you. The hard reality is that these are usually two separate decisions that you (the generic you) will make, with little intersection between the two related concepts in practicality.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Whatever you say--highly unlikely that will change anything. ... The hard reality is that these are usually two separate decisions that you (the generic you) will make, with little intersection between the two related concepts in practicality.

+1. I'm not sure what the original poster thinks they could have done differently, that if only you yelled at them more about smoking or something, they would quit? If one is truly ignorant about something then information might help, and sure whatever, email them information on every new bad thing smoking contributes to in the hope something might stick, tell them they should seek rehab etc.. But they'll do it when they are good and ready or they won't do it at all, and it's only very minimally due to your influence.

Oh and I've seen positive changes, giving up addictions, and it was seldom because of what anyone said (except maybe ocassionally a doctor!), mostly there was no single external factor that preceded it.

[redfox]

Whatever you say--highly unlikely that will change anything. If you want to "call them out" once on it--ok. But it is naive to think that will turn any behavior around based on your words. And, how much help you lend to someone in need, to someone without resources who made a choice to smoke them up, is again up to you. The hard reality is that these are usually two separate decisions that you (the generic you) will make, with little intersection between the two related concepts in practicality.

+2

I would add at all of us are this person in someone else's eyes. The relationship you have is all that matters.

[CaseyMiller]

Of course you are both right. There is little to be done to change an addicts behavior until they are ready.

Still, in hindsight, perhaps there was chance to demand responsible, adult like, behavior when they first started screwing up.

In my experience the family adjusted their life for the addict instead of insisting the addict be a responsible family member.

[redfox]

I highly recommend Al-Anon. And... Why think that the addict is screwing up?

[chrisgermany]

IMO you have a right to speak up. You do this for yourself as it might make you feel better. But this will most likely not have any effect on the problem family member, other than the risk of undermining your relationship if he/she takes your comments bad.

The change will only come if the problem family member is ready. You cannot make them getting ready.

Explore why you feel responsible for care and expense and how far you would take such responsibility.
Help the problem member to find resources of support once he/she is looking for that: IMO yes.
Sacrifice my life for someone who does not pull his weight? IMO not.

And recall the warning on airplanes: First apply the oxygen mask to yourself. Then try to help your neighbor.

[catherine]

In my experience the family adjusted their life for the addict instead of insisting the addict be a responsible family member.

This is very, very common--almost inescapable unless the family member seeks help and support for him/herself, such as redfox's AlAnon suggestion. You can't do anything about the addict, but you can do something about your own attitudes and behavior. Your shifting COULD effect change in the addict, but that would be just a byproduct of the healthy behaviors and boundaries you set, and change in the addict certainly isn't guaranteed, or something you can control.

[razz]

Lots opf good advice, CaseyM.

May I suggest as well, that you love the good in these people, whether family or friends, finding out what you value about them and focus on that rather than the deficit/addiction.

I have been where you are and am living with peace because I loved what was good (sense of humour, intelligence, kindness, vitality etc) and left the responsibility for change to them which is where it belongs.
I have a fulltime job being responsible for myself and my thoughts, feelings and actions.

That said, you have every right to set clear boundaries to protect your peace of mind and current situation. You are not, nor every have been, a beast of burden so don't take on that role. When I attended Al-anon, I learned that I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure the addiction

I believe that it is only by seeking out objective counsel through Al-anon or other agency that you will be able to sort through the options and set those boundaries and follow through.

Try to live your life so that you will not regret your choices later.

[Miss Cellane]

You couldn't change their behavior then and you can't change it now.

Al-Alon can be a great resource in helping deal with the repercussions of decades of poor choices.

What you can do now is set limits on how much assistance you offer family members. You can let someone live with you, but with a firm deadline by which they need to have a job, any job, or be in school. A firm deadline on when they will move out. You can make them pay rent. You can point them to government programs that will feed, shelter and clothe them. You do not have to bankrupt your future for their bad past decisions.