Cancer survivors....how to help?

[puglogic]

A good friend went for her annual routine mammogram two weeks ago and got the shock we're always praying we DON'T get at a mammogram (and followup): She has a non-aggressive cancer growing in one breast, and two blips of an aggressive cancer growing in the other. She is devastated. This is a woman who has been through a lot of catastrophe in her life already, had just settled down with a wonderful new beau and retired, and now this. She's sifting through all the conflicting recommendations -- mastectomy, radiation, hormones, chemo -- and is really coming apart at the seams.

I want to be as supportive as I can without pretending I know what she's going through, because I know there's nothing worse than having someone parrot "I know how you feel...." when they really don't. But I am not sure how I can be of the most help to her. If you've been through something similar, can you share what actions your friends took that were the most helpful? I can be a most wonderful listener, but want to be cautious to keep it supportive and helpful rather than just doom and gloom.....yet being Ms. sunshine pollyanna doesn't seem quite right either.

For a control freak, the thought that I can't wave my magic wand and make this go away for her is infuriating....

Any thoughts on any of this?

[Jilly]

I was the primary caregiver for a great friend and a sister-in-law.

You do not have to have any answers, all your friend wants and needs is to know that you are there for her. One of the most important things I did for my two loved ones was to just listen. Sometimes that meant I was the safe place for them to pour out all of their worries and fears. Sometimes the listening meant that we were together doing nothing, not even talking.

As for having a magic wand, you have that. It is your relationship and the history you share. It is also the fear that accompanies having a mammogram, or any other testing, something that we all share as women. Just having you in her life and being what she needs you to be is enough. Ask her what she wants from you, and because you are so close, she will eventually tell you how you can help.

When the therapies and treatments became more than my friend could bear, I was the person who supported her in stopping them for a while, being the liaison between her and her doctors and technicians, especially when the chemotherapy made her so ill. She was unable to share how horrible the experience was, but she was able to share that with me and then give me permission to be her voice with them. It was like that with her family on occasion, too. I made sure that they knew I was their safe place as well.

My sister-in-law was more proactive in her care, both times that she had cancer. The first time was more difficult and we tried to make all of the things she had to do fun. She would often bring up the day that we went from the cancer resource center (where the wigs they had were so heinous that you simply had to laugh), to a few wig stores, where we tried on all kinds of wigs. I still think that the long red one, with blond streaks could be my signature look. The second cancer was more difficult, but all of us were better prepared, and it always helped that she had amazing, truly amazing support from all of her family. When I left my other life I lost her as part of my life. I understand why that happened, but the loss of her is one of the few things I miss from that time.

I think that many people who receive cancer and other life challenging reports, often fall apart. I suspect that it is the same as any other thing that we grieve. It is difficult, but unless your friend gets stuck and refuses any treatment, I think that she should be allowed to take as long as she needs to adjust to this new reality.

As my friend's cancer progressed, her husband and sons withdrew, and it was important that I honor that just as I did all of her changes and set-backs. Near the end of her life they had resolved to what their normal for life was before the cancer. On the day she died, she had been hospitalized for a week and I spent every day with her, whilst her family came as they could. When it was near the end I called all of them and they came immediately. And, I think that losing her did not destroy any of us because we had all been allowed to come to what we needed and wanted in our own ways.

If one is not doom and gloom or Pollyanna, then that is not good for anyone. But, I can share that humor and fun was the largest area of learning for all of us. Lighthearted, fun, funny movies, humorous books are great, but when it gets serious, well, they do not call it black humor for no reason.

I think that if we are stay as close to our real selves as possible, accept sacrifice and eventually loss and grief, and are able to help respond to what others needs, as long as we do not surrender ourselves, everything will be as good as it can be. And, there are lots of good and wonderful times and experiences ahead for all of you.

There is a nearly invisible line between helping and rescuing. Helping is to be embraced, but rescuing does not serve either person. Adding importance is that we all have to face our own mortality.

Good luck and best wishes in this part of your journey and trust that you will always do the best that you can.

[Jilly]

If one is not doom and gloom or Pollyanna, then that is not good for anyone. This should not have the "not" in it.

If one is doom and gloom or Pollyanna, then that is not good for anyone. Man.

[lhamo]

I haven't been in this situation, thankfully, but if I were I think I would ask her two questions:

What do you need?

What can I do?

And then do my very best to be there for her in the ways she most needs it.

Good luck to both of you. Tough situation.

[redfox]

Read this book ASAP:
http://www.lettycottinpogrebin.com/h...ick_117487.htm
TONS of great ideas & advice.

Also: http://www.debrajarvis.com/ Read her wonderful book; It's Not About the Hair & Other Certainties About Life & Cancer.


As someone who is 10 weeks out of a cancer diagnosis, and 7 weeks out from surgery for uterine cancer, in addition to all that Jilly said, here is my advice...

~ When you talk with her, tell her that you cannot know what she's going through, but you do know HER, and you have seen her resilience in action for a long time. Make no statements about her prognosis or process, no one knows this.

~Tell her that you love her & will be there for her entire journey -- BUT only if you mean this.

~ Ask her permission to call/come by regularly to help out. She likely has no idea what she will need right now... She may need someone to schedule meals, clean her house, take her to treatments IF she wants that, and just show up. Over and over and over again.

~ She is likely in for 6-12 months of treatment. She'll be exhausted, and need truly unconditional friendship. Be sure you can offer this before offering it.

~ Be prepared for emotional volatility, and remind her that you love all of her. Take nothing personally.

~ Make a list of the things you can do for her, like grocery shop, walk the dog, sit with her sweetie, take care of the yard, fold the laundry, etc. Have that list with you when you go see her. Start at the top & simply say "I'm here to do your laundry", etc. when you go over. Be open to no, not now, or please can't we just have tea?

~ I had a good friend who was in & out of town erratically, and kept messaging me, saying, "Hey, I'm here for the afternoon. I am available." On about the seventh such message, I called and said "Please bring me dinner from my fav Pho place " and she did. I was able to say I couldn't visit, I was too tired. She handed me dinner, gave me a hug, & left, it was PERFECT. Pay attention to your friend's energies -- she may not be able to say she doesn't have the strength for a social visits, she just needs the laundry done.

~ Do you have friends in common? If so, ask her permission once she has surgery scheduled to organize a meals plan with others. Here is the tool my friend used: www.foodtidings.com

She set up a meals plan & a walking companion plan, at my request. It was AWESOME. The days I had walkers come by, if I didn't have the energy, we just sat & visited. Our meals were totally covered for three weeks after my surgery, which meant my husband could go back to work & come home & take care of me, not cook. It meant I had nutritious food after surgery to help me heal. Get the cookbook The Cancer Fighting Kitchen. Amazing.

~ Cancer can be a huge wake-up, and each of gets to this in our own time. It's a bizarre tribe to get dumped into. Never, ever tell anyone what their experience is or should be.

In fact, my circle of cancer survivor friends & I joke about the biz sized cards I want to get printed up that says F*CK YOU on them. These are for the people who say these things:

- OMG, you're so lucky to be alive! (Said by a pediatrician to my friend D, upon hearing her story at meeting her & her terrified 13 year old son, for the first time as his new doctor. SERIOUSLY?????)
- Wow, I know some one who died of that. (Said to my friend B, at work, in passing in the hallway. B had to go home for the rest of the day, it was so devastating.)
- OH MY GOD! Shrieked into my ear when I told a close friend over the phone. Not what I needed to hear...
- Will you lose your HAIR?!? Said to everyone, always. By people who really want to know "Will you die?"
- Oh, I know someone who had (fill in blank of whatever dread cancer) and they (fill in blank of tragedy or miracle story). No, no, no, no, no.

Forgive yourself in advance if you screw up... Apologize, move on. We all do it!

Be a friend. Be a good friend. Be clear on your boundaries, and don't commit to what you cannot follow through on. Constancy & dependability is balm during this upheaval.

Blessings on your friend. Blessings on you.

[puglogic]

Thanks so much, jilly, redfox, and lhamo. Much appreciated ideas!!
hugs,
pug

[Jilly]

Best wishes to you and your friend. It is an honor to be needed by someone who is going through something difficult.

[puglogic]

Oh gosh, this is so hard already. The wonderful beau is turning out to be not so wonderful when faced with this sort of thing, and I've spent two 90-minute phone calls hearing from my friend how he just doesn't understand, he's "not there emotionally for her," he doesn't know how to do anything to truly help her (though it seems like he does accompany her and help her with everything related to her treatment), what a horrible person he is for wanting his own needs to be met (not sex, just companionship and conversation about something other than cancer, apparently). She doesn't want to hear anything even remotely supportive of him, or any suggestions at all, thank you. Sigh.

And she hasn't even had the surgery yet!!

I am trying to remember that she is terribly scared and that the two of them are terribly codependent, and just listen without trying to help. But it's hard, because she is being very ugly to this man and -- to be brutally honest -- I'm hoping she doesn't drive him away, because she could use his help in the weeks ahead, even if he doesn't know how to wash whites. Sorry to vent, just running out of things to say I guess, and not sure of the right thing to do. Not exactly the making casseroles and driving to/from appointments I was expecting. Life's complicated, hm?

[redfox]

Well, if there is a Cancer Lifeline in your area, give them both the number. Yup, cancer is complicated. It wreaks havoc in a relationship. Everyone grieves in their own way, and sounds like she is grieving the loss of her known life by lashing out.

It IS survivable. May I suggest you consider giving him the book It's Not About the Hair, by Debra Jarvis? It's a humorous and delighful look at her breast cancer journey. He may find some wisdom in it, and a way to step out of the intensity, and just be there for her.

Casseroles, by the way, are always good.

[puglogic]

Thanks for the tips, RF. And I DO make a kick-a$$ casserole, if I do say so myself