Deteriorating Relationship with Co-Worker

[SiouzQ.]

It's hard to even know where to start - there is a younger woman who is on the deli team that is very hard to work with, and it is getting harder the past few days to the point that literally just being around her is pushing ALL my buttons and I can't seem to get the horse (my reaction) back into the barn. It is also that I am antsy about going on vacation too; but in my defense, everyone on the team has a hard time working with her so I am not the only one with complaints.

This girl/woman (not sure how old she is, maybe late 20's or early '30's) has been in the deli for maybe five years (she immigrated from Lithuania eight years ago). The team leaders keep moving her around because no one can really deal with working with her anymore. She is very illogical in her approach to many things, has no sense of the concept of teamwork and helping out others for the greater good of the team, has "interesting" time management skills and sense of priorities,and generally moves with the speed of a sloth, which doesn't work out too well when it is incredibly busy.

I many times hear a critical tone in her voice when she questions how I do something, because I don't do it her way. Or I guess I should say I perceive a tone of criticism from her and then I get defensive, which doesn't help matters (I am trying to own up to and change how I react to her but it has been especially hard this week). She in turn also gets defensive when I ask her nicely to do something and now our communication has just dissolved in a tit-for-tat thing that accomplishes nothing. I have talked to my supervisor and team leader about it, as have others who have to work with her, and I specifically made sure they knew I was actively trying to get along with her but was having a hard time (I am trying to own up my part in it and vowing to try to communicate better with her).

But I am really having trouble reining in my poor attitude about her at this point - I am letting her rent space in my head when I am not even at work and that's no good. I have to get along with her because we have been put on the opening shift three days in a row this week and it has been harder and harder each day for me to deal with her. I keep telling myself to let it roll off my back but it is not working, because here I am, rehashing it all out and telling you guys. I think that it could be some cultural differences going on, and also an obvious lack of communication skills between us. I have had words with her in the past about being able to work together more effectively; I guess I am going to have to pull up my big girl pants and suggest we try to clear the air between us and lay it all out on the table, perhaps with a supervisor included.

It seems my lot in life these days IS all about working on better communication with everyone I come into contact with; this issue for me has been a big test for me lately, especially in regards to that guy I was dating and that whole LONG story (which only FINALLY got some amount of resolution the other day...a week after the fact).

Anyway, how do you guys go about trying to change a co-worker relationship for the greater good? I feel like today, especially, I really have let it rattle me and I don't like that. My other co-worker (my ex-room mate) said I should pray for her...I really need to let it GO!

[pinkytoe]

Maybe the vacation will give you some time away and new perspective on the situation. DH works in a retail/wholesale environment as a district mgr and encounters these types of difficulties between employees in just about every store he checks on. It is hard to get rid of any one employee until they are "written up" three times but often they will transfer people around to settle personality differences.

[mtnlaurel]

Here are some ideas that pop into my head:
- Can you put in a confidential request to not be scheduled on same shifts as her?
- Do absolutely nothing about it until after you return from vacation refreshed

Lots of times I just put someone that irks me in The Moron Category and every time my mind wants to wander over to wasting time on them, I say to myself, "Hey, we've been over this before, they're a Moron why are you wasting good brain cells on that! Let's think about my dear co-worker Sally & how awesome she is (or let's think about how I'm going to win the Points of Service contest... or the amazing sunrise over the desert I'm going to see in 2 weeks... or my favorite music)"...... Almost like I try to redirect my mind like you would a small toddler getting into something they're not supposed to.

In general, I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my place to set everyone in the universe straight, lots of times I just need to trust the Universe to set someone straight.

My responsibility is to keep my side of the street clean with clear, direct and kind communication.

[SteveinMN]

I definitely would let it sit until I took my vacation -- and didn't think about her or the situation while on vacation. I think mtnlaurel offers sound advice. Apparently no one in charge wants to do the dirty work of correcting this employee or the issues she's bringing into the workplace. So she's not going away. You'll have to figure out if you want to minimize your contact with her to the extent possible (no chit-chat, maybe getting someone to stick around a bit if the two of you need to discuss something) or ... well, I don't see too many other good options at this point other than kind of pretending she doesn't exist.

[Zoe Girl]

It is said that 20% of the work force takes 80% of the management and effort. I believe it (I think I got 2 20% ers this last school year). I have a hard time not letting these things in my head either, it is really hard to work with people when you are in a cooperative environment and they are difficult. So I am saying that it is likely not you at all, and that doesn't always solve the problem.

You said something about her being illogical and moving slow, oh boy I hear you on that one. I would realize that you may not get her to understand so it is just about stating clearly what you need her to do to work together. Don't try to argue, just state it and move on. Now this may not solve anything but combined with a good rest on your vacation it may get through more time.

[SiouzQ.]

All good stuff, guys. Thanks for the input. I have preemptively spoken to my supervisor and Team Leader before she got to them this week just to give them a heads up on the situation that started this latest ball rolling - they are very well aware of how she operates because no one is happy working with her; however, I know nothing really changes around there and she is not likely to be fired for anything. They already moved her from the pizza counter down to the deli because the best guys in pizza were threatening to leave the department if they didn't do something about her. So they moved her down to the deli for me to deal with! Shuffling the problem around isn't going to fix it because she has been told several times that she must work at being an effective team member. She's just a rotten team player and that's that. I used to not let it effect me so much but lately, I feel like I am a hair trigger away from losing it at work with her. It's kind of weird, as I am actually quite mild-mannered and easy-going but when my fuse is lit, I just plain react sometimes in not a very mature fashion. I'm not sure what is going on with that (wacky hormones?) Impending vacation?) but I feel like I really need to watch myself the next few days and WALK AWAY when she starts getting to me. She is super passive-aggressive and it's bugging me a LOT.

I think if I have to work with her again this week I am going to take the high road and just lay it out nicely and state something like "_______, I realize lately that we have not been communicating very effectively with each other and I would like to try and work out with you a way we can communicate to each other respectfully and do a great job opening the deli in the morning (or something to that effect). I would like to apologize to you for being snappy the other day, etc, etc.
Sometimes I feel that you are overly concerned and critical about everything I do and that makes me feel angry. Lets try to put aside our personality differences and work together to make the deli run as smoothly as possible in the morning. We both know we are overworked and understaffed but if we agree to work together , it will be a lot more pleasant for every one involved (or something to that effect). I might have the supervisor sit in on this so we have a third party witness.

Arrggghhhhhhh! People are getting to me so bad lately! I can't wait to be driving in my car alone for three days - after a while, I'll end up striking up random conversations with strangers on my travels when I get sick of being by myself! But get me outta town, and soon!

[redfox]

It's my experience, in my own life, that when someone obsesses me to the degree that you're describing (LOVE the renting space on my head concept, thank you!), it is an older & deeper issue for me than the one in front of me. Generally, for me, a family of origin issue.

You have all my sympathies! I get sooo triggered by some people (well, mostly just the birth mom of my step kids, as some may have divined by my other posts), and in my very best moments, I can view them (ok, her) as a Buddha, and a ready teacher. Oy, I hate even typing this!! She is NOT my teacher, she's a crazy b*tch who has messed with my movie!!!

Ok... Whew! My approach is this: I breathe, and breathe again, then drop the story I am constructing about that individual. I have to do this over & over & over again in rapid succession, as "dropping the story" often lasts about 2 secs. That's why it's called a practice...

You cannot do a darn thing about her; her behavior, nothing. Nothing. What you can do is just drop the story you tell about her. THAT is how you evict her from your head, and from dominating your life. Bless your heart, my dear! Hugs.

[Lainey]

SiouzQ - agreeing with the advice you've gotten here so far.
Also wanted to add that this really infuriates me about managers in general everywhere: not dealing with a bad employee means they're not doing their managerial duties! That's the "manage" part in "manager."
Can't comprehend why she's still there, but I've seen it happen elsewhere too. Sheesh.

[Zoe Girl]

It's my experience, in my own life, that when someone obsesses me to the degree that you're describing (LOVE the renting space on my head concept, thank you!), it is an older & deeper issue for me than the one in front of me. Generally, for me, a family of origin issue.

Hugs.

Oh I really agree. I have had that struggle this year, things I thought I was done with and am still dealing with. The interesting thing is that there are issues that still come up and that does not always mean that I have something still to deal with. I was talking to someone the other day and the idea came to me, there are really crappy people out there. Sometimes that means I need to deal with an issue and sometimes that means they are crappy and difficult and I actually am not responsible for that (okay I have an over responsible issue actually). Lots of people have an issue with her, likely it is more her issue but that does not mean we can't learn from it.

[redfox]

Oh I really agree. I have had that struggle this year, things I thought I was done with and am still dealing with. The interesting thing is that there are issues that still come up and that does not always mean that I have something still to deal with. I was talking to someone the other day and the idea came to me, there are really crappy people out there. Sometimes that means I need to deal with an issue and sometimes that means they are crappy and difficult and I actually am not responsible for that (okay I have an over responsible issue actually). Lots of people have an issue with her, likely it is more her issue but that does not mean we can't learn from it.

Oh, definitely! For me, it's when I've noticed that I am getting hooked by said crappiness that something else is going on besides the immediate situation. I can be totally fine no matter what and then BLAM! Something hooks me. It's my reaction, not the other person's actions, that is my clue to my being hooked.... Maybe some day I will have complete equanimity!