Here we go with the holiday negotiations!

[Zoebird]

I hear you there, Rosie, and I'm sorry for it.

This year has been a surprisingly easy negotiation. my parents are coming Wed-Sat, and we invited my ILs for Sat-Mon (retired). My ILs declined. My parents are coming the weekend before christmas, my ILs are coming the weekend after christmas. Easy done, then.

No one seems fussed about anything.

If anything, I feel a bit. . . unwelcome? It's weird. Everyone is glad that we are back, but no one is that interested in us, really. So strange.

[RosieTR]

That is strange, Zoebird. We had a little of that last year when we were back from AZ (DH always had to work on Christmas so we didn't travel back to the folks, plus if I was going to visit CO I'd rather escape the heat in summer than try to travel in the potentially dicey snow weather). Sounds like it will work well though!

[dado potato]

Mama Gnocchi and I have a cabin booked for Xmas and a few days following -- to snowshoe and XC ski. I already have what means everything to me. So I hope other people can understand this, and be happy, and get on with their own lives.

[frugalone]

I'm sorry, Rosie. Guilt trips suck.

Last year, my partner needed a minor surgical procedure that was scheduled for the day before T-giving. We stayed home, made a vegan meal and had a good weekend. No pressure to prepare and bring food to my sister's (since we are the only vegans, we always make an entree and a dessert).

We're supposed to go to my DSis's this year as we usually do for holidays. Three days before, I find myself emailing a pen pal that I'd rather be "on a beach" or "in a room with a roaring fire, watching DVDs." My SO isn't feeling very well right now, and we were discussing whether or not to go to DSis's.

I feel guilty bowing out. When I was in therapy, my counselor said I'm old enough to do what I want for holidays. But I really have trouble banishing the guilt. Maybe it's because my family of origin was alcoholic. I don't know. I have trouble expressing what I want to the people who need to know, and I have trouble following through without feeling sick inside, worried, guilty, etc.

I don't even know what to do at this point.

I'm glad I'm not alone in wanting to have a "different" kind of holiday.

[nswef]

Oh Frugalone, Guilt is the worst. After you do what you want a few years, the guilt subsides some- at least mine did and life was better. But, sometimes you do have to do what you don't want to do. It helps to know you aren't the only one.

[frugalone]

Oh Frugalone, Guilt is the worst. After you do what you want a few years, the guilt subsides some- at least mine did and life was better. But, sometimes you do have to do what you don't want to do. It helps to know you aren't the only one.

Thank you. I understand that guilt is negative, and it's linked with shame. I've done nothing to be ashamed of.

You know what's really funny? About 10-12 years ago, the majority of my immediate family moved to another state. My hubby often reminds me, "They didn't seem to feel guilty about doing so. No one consulted YOU, did they?" He has a good point there.

The holidays are supposed to be happy. Why, then, is there so much negativity associated with them?

[nswef]

Sometimes our husbands or counselors say the best things to remind us that it is OK to be who we are and do what WE want. Baggage, baggage is hard to get rid of.

[frugalone]

I'm starting to realize that I have this "fantasy family," i.e., the people I'd like them to be. The fantasy family is much closer to me. The real one? Not so close.

Like I can't believe this, for e.g. My sister had an outpatient procedure done today. My mom hasn't even called to tell me she's okay. No news is good news?

[sweetana3]

The unhappiness is because of our huge expectations often built on media pictures of "perfect" holidays and the inability of regular families to meet these expectations. Sometimes called Norman Rockwell moments. Our families all have warts, some worse than others, some tolerable and some not.

[frugalone]

In a way, I feel sad because I don't want to be with my family on Thursday.
You know what's really weird? Years ago, I had dinner with a friend's family, because my family used to rent a condo at this place I wasn't fond of. And I hated going there, so I just bowed out. And another year, DH and I ate at a different friend's house. He had just bought a house and gotten married, and invited us. I think we stopped at the condo afterward, for dessert.

I just remembered all this.