Here we go with the holiday negotiations!

[RosieTR]

So, it happened. DH's mom started in on him with where was he going to spend Thanksgiving. Last year, he went to her house and cooked, while I went to my parents' house. They both live within an easy distance to drive, so there's always this question. In the more distant past, DH's family did Thanksgiving the weekend before, while mine did on-the-day so it worked out. But now that his dad is gone, the timing is never a given.
This year, his older brother's girlfriend is moving with her mom to a place nearby and is thinking she'll be ready to host Thanksgiving there by that time. This is a bit up into the mountains, so it may be fine or it may be a PITA to get to depending on the weather. In any case, she is a longer-term girlfriend but we don't know her terribly well. I'm assuming the brother will be here from wherever he's living (Alabama last I knew). Point is, MIL does not have to be "alone" for Thanksgiving if DH and I go to my parents' house. Never mind that my parents usually extend her an invitation as well, or would if I asked them to because I knew his brothers wouldn't be alone. However, she and they have different political views so she doesn't want to chance that something will get said she finds offensive. So she's been kind of giving DH the guilt trip like she'd rather he come to the older brother's girlfriends' house, ugh. I said I'm fine either way but since Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and my dad is like an amateur chef, it's not negotiable for me to go elsewhere. I could give a rip about Christmas which I'd prefer to spend snowshoeing anyway, so if she wants to make a big deal of that, fine. DH told her we'd be going to my parents so we'll see how the guilt tripping plays out. Ugh, holidays. The one thing I really enjoyed about living far away....I'd just go hiking and cook dinner and it was GREAT.

[Tradd]

Ugh, Rosie, all I can say.

[Jilly]

It is such a shame that some people need some awful combination of 'their own way' and a whole bunch of drama.

[Miss Cellane]

There's no way to stop the guilt trip. But you don't have to take the ride on the guilt trip.

You and your DH should figure out a way to spend the holidays that works for you. Always Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his. Alternating every year. One year with your family, one year with his, one year all by yourselves. Thanksgiving with one family, leftovers the next day with the other. It really doesn't matter what you plan, just so long as you plan it.

Then you announce it. Let the comments and guilt trips fly. Stick to your guns and follow the plan.

Someone is going to be unhappy no matter what you decide. Why should the unhappy people be you and DH? And the more you follow your plan, the more people realize that you mean what you say, and the fewer the guilt trips (although this can take years).

Your MIL has options for Thanksgiving. Your DH should tell her now that you will be spending Thanksgiving at your parents. That will give her plenty of time to decide if she wants to go with you, spend the holiday with the girlfriend, or do something else.

If she starts to complain, look her in the eye, say, "We've gone over this. This is the plan for this year." If she continues, get up and leave. Or hang up the phone. Do not reward her guilt-trippy behavior by listening to her.

[lmerullo]

^ This!

No nonsense advice!

[Simplemind]

We have several birthdays in November and December. I pick a weekend in November to have everybody over and I make the traditional Thanksgiving meal. That is our celebration for the birthdays and Thanksgiving. Everybody is then free to figure out what they want to do on the actual birthday and holiday. I do the same thing in December with a huge formal dinner and then everybody is free on the actual birthday and holiday. I find this works best. Nobody has to go to more than one house and I don't have to keep track of somebody who is only stopping by for a snack but can't stay for the whole dinner... yadda yadda yadda.
I like having a quiet holiday at home with my husband. My son spends the holidays with his father's family with my blessing. It is crazy to load up one single day with all that emotional baggage. The world is not going to spin off its axis. That said, my sister still turns inside out. My mother has passed away and she feels even more pressure to have something going that my dad can attend. She will become a martyr and even though her boyfriends family (200 miles away) wants her there she will want to cook here, for him.... but that is too much trouble for just one other person so we are supposed to come too. Uh..... not on your life sista. I have him over every Saturday so I'm not shirking my duties.
Last year on Thanks giving we sat around in our jammies, took a long walk, cooked something up and watched movies. The next day our son was home and we made a small turkey and had a lovely dinner just the three of us. Right after dinner DH had a headache and went to bed it turned out to be a stroke and our world not been the same. If it was simple in the past you can bet your sweet bippy it is going to get even simpler this year. We have so much to be thankful for and I refuse to put one iota of stress into a hallmark fantasy for somebody else. We aren't 10 anymore. (not meant to sound bitter... just sensible :0)

[citrine]

I would tell her to grow up and put her big girl panties on! LOL
Really, she has many options and your DH does not need to be put in the middle of this. I am sure she can join your family for Thanksgiving...anyone can keep their political views to themselves for a few hours.

[lmerullo]

Gosh, I 'm sorry to have read this post! Just a few short hours after, I get the phone call from mom. The same one the op might have gotten. Sigh!


Dad died 18 months ago so last Thanksgiving was her first one alone. This from a couple who made no big deal about the holiday in the past. Dd hosted and invited all sorts of friends and our family - including mom. There were about 50 people. In all years past, if dh and I were home, DM and dad chose to stay home. Now, she thinks every year has been some huge party they missed out on.

Dh and I have alternated one year at home and one on vacation for at least 15 years but mom has obviously been oblivious. This is an away year, and we will still go. She was fishing to see if we were inviting others to join us and omitting her - oh, is ds going? No, mom. What is dd doing? Not sure mom - this is her year for Christmas with the inlaws, so she'll be home.

Aging parents - I know she wont be here much longer and should probably be included, but where were you the last 30 years while I was building my family traditions?

[Spartana]

Sorry to hear about the family drama Rosie TR. I'm with Miss Celline on this - find a way to do what you want first and, if you have time, try to fit in something with extended family. But don't feel guilty. I'm in a completely different situation with no family except the sis. No one to feed me :-) :-) sSomewhat sad but also easy. We'll go skiing and eat out. On Christmas sis is off work for almost 3 weeks so we'll plan a more interesting trip. No guilt but no warm cozy feelings from family,y either. Have to get those from the hot toddies at the ski lodge :-)

[RosieTR]

Well, DH told his mom we'd be going to my parents' house for Thanksgiving and told my parents as well. I think the guilt trip has died down for now so we'll see. I really don't care what happens at Christmas, I like their family's tradition of having breakfast for dinner and watching some movies better than the weird formal stuff my parents do at Christmas. If they want to do it at our house, that's fine but they can come decorate because I don't have time. I don't mind the cooking though-in fact, I'd rather cook. Maybe we can arrange whoever from DH's family is around to come decorate while I cook, on Christmas Day, and that would be fantastic. Then put in a cheesy movie while we eat; DH and I can drink because we won't have to drive, and we can take the dogs for a walk after everyone leaves and look at the lights. Hmmm, ideas....
But at least Thanksgiving is settled and we signed up for a fun run so we will pre-burn the calories!