How did you decide when to start a family?

[mira]

My husband and I are at a point where we'd like to start a family. However, we keep postponing it because we're always thinking we have to accomplish certain things before we do. For example, I'd like to become more established in my new freelance business (who knows how long that'll take!), we'd like to see a bit more of the world together, etc.

Although I want to achieve these things, I also do not want to wait much longer to have our first kid (I'm 30). But at the same time, it's going to be me who has to put my career on hold in one way or another (my work situation is more flexible than DH's) and I'm not sure if putting it on the backburner now will hamper my prospects in the future. Theoretically, I have family who could babysit if I wanted to work, but maybe I won't want to work at all once I've got a kiddo - there are so many unknowns!

I also find it hard not to approach the matter from a perspective that assumes that we will effectively be housebound and not be able to incorporate kids into the things we already enjoy (namely travel). How can I alter this perspective?

So I'm just wondering: did you go through this mental turmoil when considering starting a family?? Do you have any sage advice? Thank you so much

[catherine]

So I'm just wondering: did you go through this mental turmoil when considering starting a family?? Do you have any sage advice? Thank you so much

I had kids when thinking about it wasn't mental turmoil. When I wanted a child so much that I wasn't even thinking about how I was going to incorporate kids into things I enjoyed. And when I knew that I wanted my biggest achievement in life to be in raising good, happy children.

[reader99]

Backburnering your career now WILL change your future career prospects. Many moms returning to the workplace end up working at something completely different. Having kids is because you want kids, and yes, there will be other things that go by the wayside. You can have everything, but not all at once. What I'm trying to articulate is that once you have kids the relative importance of all the other stuff declines sharply.

[lhamo]

I was 31, going on 32. We'd been at our first professional jobs for almost a year, and felt secure. We'd just bought our first apartment. DH is 10 years older than me, so that was a big factor -- he didn't want to wait much longer, and as the oldest child and only male child in a fairly traditional Asian family there was definitely some pressure/expectations there.

Soon after we made the decision there was a reorganization and I was asked to take on a new role and accept responsibility for starting a new office in China. I agreed, not knowing at the time that I was already pregnant -- confirmed a few weeks later when I was already about 10 weeks along (started feeling nauseous on the subway about a week before that). Thankfully the organization agreed to let us delay our departure. It actually worked out well to move to China when DS was a baby -- not sure how I would have coped with an international relocation while pregnant. I did make an extended trip when I was about 5-6 months, and that was fine. We had also been in China the first few weeks of my pregnancy -- figured out later that me wanting to sleep all day and eat like a horse during that period was because I was pregnant, not because I was jetlagged.

It is hard to predict, but a lot of women find they are incredibly productive at work during pregnancy -- I was like that. Didn't have much morning sickness (except that short period at the end of my first trimester while riding the subway). got amazing amounts of stuff done, especially during the lead up to #2s birth. I put the final touches on a project design at 2am the morning we were leaving at 5am for her scheduled c-section (she was about 10 days overdue at that point and doc decided a VBAC would have been too risky at that point).

Good luck making your decision. You might find doing what we did -- not actively trying to track hormonal cycles, etc. but just not taking preventative measures -- is a good strategy. Just kind of let nature take its course and see what happens. Worked for us both times.

[sunnyjoe]

We had been married for 5 years and had pretty good footing at our jobs. We were 31 when we first tried to start a family. For us it turned into 7 years of repeat miscarriages . At age 38 we tried one more pregnancy and that one stuck around... Two more miscarraiges and then a second pregnancy held. We have two beautiful daughters and I work 40% FTE. I've kept a foot in the door at work but my main focus and joy come from mothering. Just to say even once you're "ready" there's no assurance things will stay to plan.

As far as incorporating your kids into travel it absolutely can be done. Our girls love to travel and get easier all the time. Next year we hope to go to Japan but we have done lots of domestic travel.

[CathyA]

I was 37 and 39 when I had my 2 children. Up to around age 36, I didn't think I wanted kids, because of how I was mistreated as a child. Then I realized that yes, I wanted them!

I'm sure you'll get all sorts of different perspectives here. I had a "career", but I'm a home body, so I didn't feel like I was giving up anything. I have raised 2 beautiful, bright, incredibly wonderful children.
I'm so glad I did!

My "worst case scenario" kind of thinking would factor into my advise for you, Mira. Too much can happen while you're putting off having children. You might never get the chance, for various reasons.
Plus, even though I wouldn't have done it differently, it IS challenging to be an older parent.
Its a very personal decision. But none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. If you truly want to have children, I'd say don't put it off too long.

[razz]

Once you get your marriage sorted out and on a firm basis, the finances stabilized and discussed and a reasonable plan of action for the next 20-30 years, you can consider having starting a family. I had my two at age 24 and 27 but despite originally wanting 4 in total, DH and I decided to limit to just the two for a whole bunch of reasons.

Sometimes, the $$ were short due to some decisions that we made but we lived well if thriftily with no regrets.

What I am seeing is young people thinking that they need a house with all the latest conveniences, new cars, and monthly expenses that make me cringe and then they start a family. No matter what you earn, or choice of career, that is generally not doable.

Having kids cost money, lots of time, energy and commitment. It means discussing and setting priorities. The employment seems to work out when the rest of one's life is stable.

[mm1970]

Backburnering your career now WILL change your future career prospects. Many moms returning to the workplace end up working at something completely different. Having kids is because you want kids, and yes, there will be other things that go by the wayside. You can have everything, but not all at once. What I'm trying to articulate is that once you have kids the relative importance of all the other stuff declines sharply.

I found this to be very true. We originally decided to try when I was 29, figuring my husband would finish his PhD right soon after, then we'd move and I'd stay home a little while. But then I got laid off and ended up in a more hazardous chemical-intensive job. So we set it aside for 4 years until my new company had enough of a budget to hire someone else to do the hazardous work. But then I was 33 and it took me 1.5 years to get pregnant (when I was 35). In the end my husband didn't graduate until 2 years after we thought. For #2, we'd tried for a year and a half and nothing happened. So we gave up and I accepted a promotion at work. Then I got pregnant (at 41, gave birth at 42, figures...) It's been a challenge because the first year after #2 I went part time. Then I decided to try and squeeze in full time - that was a mistake. I don't have the energy for it and my company has made some major changes that mean I'm not enjoying my work at all anymore. Even though in general I still like working, my kids are WAY more important than the job. I never thought I'd feel this strongly. I'm an engineer, manager, been at this 21 years now. Never underestimate the effects of beautiful kids and some crappy management!

[Tradd]

I think a lot of it depends on how you old are when you get married/partner permanently with someone. From watching friends' lives, a lot also depends on if the woman had a career or was planning to be a SAHM. I know of several couples who got married mid-late 20s. Their plan was for the wife to be a SAHM. They started trying for babies right away. The wife worked until partway through pregnancy. The only difference was how long it took the wife to become pregnant. Some had fertility issues and it took several years. Some got pregnant within a few months of marriage.

[Tammy]

My first career was mom by choice. Had my 3 at ages 21, 23, and 26. Then returned for my nursing degree in the first half of my thirties. Second career was nursing for the last 16 years. I don't know how people do the two things simultaneously. Both nursing and parenting are intense jobs.

I didn't think about if we were ready. It was the 80s and people still just got married and had babies without much planning back then.