The Sleeping Habits of Parents and Teens

[pcooley]

First off, there's something I've been wondering for years. Before children, I always thought that the children went to bed, and the parents stayed awake and had some time together as adults. That has NEVER worked for us, and I feel like I am missing out on a chunk of my adult life that I had some reason to expect to enjoy. My daughter never seemed to need much sleep, particularly when she was a toddler. She usually went to sleep around midnight and woke up around six. At some point early on, we got her to quietly entertain herself reading books. These days, if anything, she goes to bed a little earlier, and she still wakes up punctually.

Our son, who is now 12, recently reached some sort of phase where he seems to wake up around nine o'clock at night and doesn't get to sleep until one or two in the morning. Then he won't get up when we tell him it's time. That has gotten to be a frustrating problem, that I'm sure I share with people. He doesn't have enough guile to erase his browsing habits, and I found that he was watching music videos on Youtube until the wee hours. Now I confiscate his computer. I tried locking away the modem, but my daughter does her homework on a Chromebook and does not get home from cross-country/swimming/track/Girl Scouts/Circus class until 7:30 p.m. So she needs the internet on to do her homework, and I can't seem to force myself to stay awake until she finishes.

My wife adheres to a strict sleep schedule of 8:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m., but she sleeps poorly and has to get up to tell the children to stop bumping around in their rooms. That's one source of anguish. I consider myself extremely diurnal. I would go to sleep at six in the winter if I could. Generally, I like to sleep from 8:00 until 4:00 with my wife.

However, I've been trying to get my son to settle down, so he won't wake his mother. I'll read to him for a long time (and I'm grateful that he still likes being read to at 12 years of age). I'll start nodding off, and I think he's asleep, but then he bounces right out of bed. Last night, he bounced up and said he was going to clean his room. I told him no. Then he got up for a glass of water. Then he wanted to know if he could borrow the manual ink filler from my fountain pen to see if it would work in his fountain pen. Then he got up to see if I could help him fill his old fountain pen with red ink. I think I was awake until 10:30, trying to make sure he would stay put. When my wife woke me up (late) this morning, I had to drag myself out of a sound sleep. (Edited to add: I take on this task because I'm still somewhat the at-home-parent. My wife has to leave the house at 6:30 to bicycle to work. I leave at 7:20. I work a 4.5 hour day, and my wife works a 7 hour day. I feel that it's fair that I negotiate the bedtime.)

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I yawn all day long. I'm a little under the weather. And mostly, I feel frustrated and angry with the effort of trying to force myself to stay awake at night. I'm one of those people who thrive on nine or ten hours of sleep.

I thought we were past this sleep-deprived state of parenting, but evidently, we're not. (The other day, my daughter went to a basketball game with her Girl Scout troop, and I said I would come pick her up from the scoutmaster's house, but they didn't get in until 11:30 p.m. - halfway through my night's sleep. I literally had to slap myself to stay awake waiting for her call).

I know this change in sleep patterns in teens is pretty universal. How do parents handle it? I can sleep through their noise, but my wife getting out of bed, telling them to quiet down, and then getting back in bed wakes me up.

And then how do you get your teen up in the morning. I've considered a bucket of ice water. Usually I get in bed and tickle him awake. Sometimes I lose my patience and shout. None of them are satisfying.

[redfox]

Teens have a powerful sleep pattern that keeps them up at night and wanting to sleep late. Schools need to accommodate this. There is a bunch of brain research put about this phase of emir developing brains. So essentially he feels exactly like you did trying to stay awake till 11:30; that miserable and out of sync. Every morning.

[Teacher Terry]

I raised 3 boys and was always strict about bedtime. It did not matter whether it was the weekend or not. From age 1-8 they went to bed at 7pm and got up at 6. After that they could stay up to 8pm and by age 12- 9pm. By 10th grade they could manage themselves if they were quiet and in their rooms. I never had TV's or computers in their rooms. Of course there were no cell phones back then either. I recently read a study that said teens need a ton of sleep. WE always had a few hours of adult time once the kids went to bed. But they knew unless they were sick, etc they needed to be in bed. I started this very young like I was raised but don't know how difficult it would be to implement later.

[pcooley]

Zeb always had an eight o'clock bedtime, and he used to go to sleep easily, listening to a book on tape. It's only in the past few weeks that he's really started ramping up in the evening.

[mtnlaurel]

Is he getting enough exercise during the day? (VERY tough during these winter days)
My kids are a little younger 5&9. I've found that if I don't exercise them like border collies there is hell to pay & I'm always the one with the wallet.

I was a night owl as a teen.
I can so relate to your son's train of thought -- letting your thoughts drift and you're thinking about your cool ink pen... BOING, hopping out of bed... I MUST check this out NOW.
Maybe help him with adult strategies like a note pad by bed of list of things I'm going to do when I get up in the morning. ????

I definitely see the need to get out in front of this, my desire to lurk through the night just increased as I got older.

[catherine]

I was not a real strict bed-time manager with my kids, but that being said, one of my kids reminded me the other day of something I had forgotten about. They KNEW that when I said "It's quiet time for adults" I meant it. That meant, no matter how old they were, I needed peace and quiet and they needed to respect that. And they did--after a certain time, like after 8pm, no matter how old they were, there was no loud playing.

I have to admit, this was before the internet, so I imagine I'd have to be firmer about "closed bedroom door" activities late at night. I imagine if they were young today, I'd insist they get to bed at a reasonable time.

As for your situation, Paul, I do identify with the lack of "quiet time for adults" but I would suggest you and your wife talk about ways to enforce that in your home. It's not fair that your kids are holding you hostage at night when you deserve that peace and quiet. Unfortunately once patterns are set, it's really hard to change them. Sorry I'm not more helpful.. but I just want to assure you that there are ways to reclaim your evenings, but it probably won't be easy. If it were me, I'd start with the simple expectation that the house must be quiet after 8pm. You'd have to work out with your spouse what the consequences of breaking that rule are.

BTW, "quiet time" also meant "don't bug me" time. The kids knew that there was no helping with homework past 9pm. I was off the clock, except for emergencies.

[lmerullo]

I don't recall any night time problems when I was raising my kids - but I had problems getting the oldest to stay in her room... she wanted to sleep in our bed well into her early teens. They went to bed and woke at reasonable times, it seems.

We now have grandchildren - and the nine year old boy can pull all-nighters! I was not aware of this, as dd just told me he had no bedtime in the summers when school is out, not that he would THEN be up all night. I go to bed around 10 or so, so I leave GS on the couch, reading on his kindle... I told him to go to bed when Uncle comes home (he works late into the evening, should be home 11 - 11:30). Well, someone called off, DS didn't come home until 7 AM, and I was just coming out of our bedroom at the same time - we both look at GS and realize he's been up all night reading!!!! Even as an adult, I don't think there is any book that could hold my attention all night, I gotta sleep!

Then, I have my granddaughter - she goes to bed between 8:30 and 9 on a regular night, mostly good about it.... sometimes we have things that impact her bedtime so she doesn't get to sleep until later (Her dad is the other's uncle with the 11PM return - we might let her stay up...)Regardless of bedtime, her eyes pop open at 6:30 AM EVERY dang morning....there will be NO sleeping in with her....


pcooley - I think it's ok at 12 to allow your son some freedom in regulating his sleep / wake times RESPONSIBLY - if he is functional the next day and not particularly "off" then maybe with some guidance from you and your wife, he can be allowed to stay up. You know, the teens / pre-teens need to feel they have some control. But, it doesn't seem like that is the case, if I read correctly, so dad and mom might need to be firmer with the rules... also, quiet time should be reasonable for him to adhere to - you know, you can be up, but stay in your room, no computer, remain quiet - etc...

[Miss Cellane]

I'm not sure all teens go through the changes in sleep patterns. I didn't. In bed at 10, up at 6:00 all through high school with no problems. Didn't even use an alarm clock. While I have no doubt that many teens do have differing sleep schedules, I'm not sure all of them do.

If your son's sleep issues are recent, I'd also look for other causes than just that he's 12. Did he get off his regular schedule over the winter break from school? That could be a big part of it. You'd have to work with him to get him back on track.

There's also research that indicates that the bright light from "screens" of any sort--tv, computer, iPad--is not conducive to sleep later in the evening. Current suggestions are to abstain from screens for the hour before bed. And I know that for me, watching an exciting tv show just before bed affects how quickly and easily I will fall asleep.

As for his internet surfing, there's all sorts of software out that that will allow you to set time limits on his web usage, and curfews after which he can't surf at all.

But, and I realize this isn't about the question you were asking, a lot of his behavior--wanting a glass of water, the stuff about the pen--seems a lot like a kid wanting attention. With the information about your sleep schedule, when you do spend time with the kids? What are your mornings like? Do you get one-on-one time with the kids then? Sounds like you might have some time after school with your son, but you and your wife only spend half an hour with your daughter before you head off to bed? I'm wondering if some of what's going on with your son at bedtime is a desire for more time with one or both of his parents.

As for what the kids are doing that wakes your wife up. Whatever it is, they shouldn't be making that much noise. My dad went to bed well before the rest of the family--usually between 8 and 9 pm--and we knew we had to keep the noise down after that, or face the Wrath of Dad. There should be major consequences for waking your parents up.

If your wife is just a very, very light sleeper, then maybe you should investigate ways of blocking the noise--more soundproofing between rooms, a white noise machine.

[fidgiegirl]

Paul, you had posted earlier about some mental health issues with your son, did he start any kinds of meds or something new like that? Something that might be throwing off the schedule so suddenly?

[Yarrow]

Zeb always had an eight o'clock bedtime, and he used to go to sleep easily, listening to a book on tape. It's only in the past few weeks that he's really started ramping up in the evening.

Is your son getting enough physical exercise during the day? Does he drink or eat anything caffeinated or high sugar near bedtime? Is he on any new medication? Anything you can think of that has changed in his life recently?

As a teenager I had a bedtime of 9 pm which I had to adhere to or else a severe loss of privileges. I knew better than to disobey my parents! Same with my own kids. Lights out, no phone, computer, reading, listening to music, or anything else was allowed....that's just the way it was! We all needed our rest, kids and parents alike. Sometimes you just have to tell your kids how it has to be....stop being their friend and be their parent instead.... It's totally disrespectful of your kids to be waking you and your wife up.