Balance vs Intensity

[Geila]

Hi,
I happened to pop in this morning and am so glad I did! I'm very taken with your comment about "clarity of purpose and intensity of life." I'm one of those people who is very intense and highly-motivated when I have a clear purpose or goal. But you hear SO much about the importance of BALANCE, so I've been doggedly pursuing balance. It's not working. I like intensity and focus.

Sorry, this has nothing to do with status symbols. They hold little appeal for me. (and this site makes typing really difficult! what's up with that?)

But I would love to have a conversation about finding that inner "balance," whether that means achieving external balance or embracing our internal makeup (which might not be "balanced/moderate" at all, and maybe doesn't have to be).

In pcooley's thread about consumerism and social capital, I was very taken by one of his comments about clarity of purpose and intensity of life and made the above comment. But rather than hijacking his thread, I thought I'd post a new one to start a dialogue about it.

As we age, we naturally become more balanced and wise, and I think balance and moderation is part of wisdom. Which is why I've been working hard to cultivate them. And while I do believe that I'm much more balanced and wise than I was 20 years ago, I still find it to be an ongoing challenge. But what if one is naturally predisposed to a more intense personality that doesn't really work well with balance? Does one work hard at changing said personality and internal makeup? Or does one work with the strengths given and embrace those things that make us unique? I might not be "moderate" or "well-balanced," but I have fantastic energy, curiosity, and enthusiasm. Is one not as good as the other?

This kind of reminds me of how in the past, lefties were forced to become righties to fit in with what was the norm. And sure, it can be done. But at what expense?

I realize that this forum is heavily skewed towards introversion, so many of you might not identify with the intensity part, but the same could be said for any other character or personality trait. I guess it's really about acceptance of who we are (with its pluses and negatives), versus trying to change who we are to be more socially/culturally appropriate. Both choices come with their own costs and benefits.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

[catherine]

I don't know.. I think unless you are unhappy or you feel you're "off-track" somehow, I don't think you should pursue balance for the sake of it. I think of all the fantastic people in that "intense" space--i.e. Steve Jobs--who dedicated their lives to their passion, and were probably rarely "balanced." If we are doing what we are called to do, I'm sure there's an intensity about it that excludes other things at times.

I say, be who you are, and it sounds like you are rightfully happy about that. I think inner balance has nothing to do with what may appear to be "a balanced life" to others.

[Geila]

Hi Catherine,
I appreciate your perspective. I think the reason I've been working so hard at balance is that my DH is a very balanced person, and I see the benefits of that. But, it's just not me. And actually, DH fell in love with my energy. So my quest might be ill-advised .

I really like how you distinguish between inner balance and "a balanced life." I like that a lot.

[pcooley]

In my post, I was not thinking of intensity and balance as opposed but complementary. Being mindful of the moment brings both intensity and balance. I am thinking of the kind of intensity that allows you to fully appreciate the deep blue of the sky, or the texture of an orange peel, not the kind of intensity that drove me to try and drive thirty hours straight when I was in college. (I didn't make it quite back home. I had to pull over because I started seeing gnomes running across the road). Likewise, I see wisdom and intensity as the same thing. It might be easy to mistake wisdom for the ability to accept what happens without wishing for something different, but if you do not have the intensity and intentionality to enjoy what is happening, you don't have wisdom but merely resignation. To me there is a big difference.

[fidgiegirl]

I am really happy you posted this, watergoddess. With the impending arrival of our little one I have been fretting about how it will throw our lives out of balance, but then thinking about - well, have I really been that happy "balanced," anyway?

I first started thinking about it when I discovered The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle Laporte. Here's a little video. I am at my happiest when I am "on fire" about something - a lofty goal that I'm working my butt off, a new idea I'm developing and putting out into the world (I think that's why I've been unhappy in my job this year - feels like all my ideas have been blocked by layers of unnecessary "planning" and "procedures," so I've stopped altogether )

[razz]

Funny but just had a confrontation session and felt really badly afterwards wishing I had shown more balance than intensity. I do value intensity more than balance but find that the general contacts in my life find my intensity overwhelming so I have to tone things down a lot. Very frustrating when one has a new idea and runs into the usual resistance to change before quiet contemplation kicks in and considers the merit of change.

[Geila]

pcoooley - I think the way that I define balance is when we aim for a balanced life, ie, in a given day I expend energy on all the important areas of my life, without neglecting or overemphasizing one or the other. Often, for me, intensity means that I pour all of my energy into one project, at the expense of the other, equally important aspects of my life. So I might go all out on a project, but my laundry piles up, housework doesn't get done (and I could care less if it gets done or not), and dinner is leftover soup, simply because I have no interest in anything more involved. When I'm intense, I never check out of life, or do things that are dangerous or risky; I always remain present in the rest of my life and take care of all my responsibilities that need taking care of, but the majority of my mental/emotional energy is focused on one key goal. It's very exhilarating and quite productive. But not "balanced" per se.

Kellie - I feel exactly the same! Thanks for the video, that was very interesting - though I can't really call myself a creative genius .
I definitely think that there are pros/cons to seeking "a balanced life" and/or bursts of intensity. But I'm coming to realize that acceptance of our innate makeup is the key. I've also noticed that for me, being bored is really bad - I become totally unproductive and blah. I need that "fire" to light me up, and then I really bloom. And hey, Congratulations on your baby! How exciting. I'm thinking you will definitely be on fire very soon and for a very long time!

Razz - What you said is very interesting - about feeling that you have to tone down your intensity. Sometimes I feel that I should do that too - more to conserve my energy and use it wisely though, not out of concern for others . I think that when I'm with others, and when I'm being intense, I don't really notice it, or feel it as excessive. It feels very natural to me. I feel at home in myself.

[redfox]

Ok, what is meant by balance? I'm reading it as equanimity. If equanimity -- a state which is very personally defined, IMO -- is the center post, I swing on either side of it, and through it, constantly. My swings have gotten less extreme as I have lived longer and had more self-reflective time, and tempering life experiences.

[Geila]

I have a question for everyone. Since we all pretty much agree on what "a balanced life" looks like, from the outside, what does inner balance look like to you? Your inner balance. How would you describe it? How do you create it? What does it feel like? etc...

And maybe even, what sacrifices are you willing to make to keep/achieve/maintain it?

[SteveinMN]

what does inner balance look like to you? Your inner balance. How would you describe it? How do you create it? What does it feel like? etc...

And maybe even, what sacrifices are you willing to make to keep/achieve/maintain it?

I guess I would say first that balance, like a marriage, is rarely 50/50 or 33/33/33 or 20/20/20/20/20... Some things come in their own seasons. If my work requires a 12-14 hour grind in one day to get to a shoot, take the pictures, return, and process them on a deadline, many other things will not get done that day. But because such long hard-stop workdays are not the rule, I can accommodate them without a lot of stress. I know I will have time tomorrow or the next day to get my clothes washed or cook real food or visit with family or friends. OTOH, the idea of a poolside vacation with some shade, a book, and drinks with umbrellas in them sounds appealing to me for all of about 20 minutes. Not my idea of leisure time. Dedicating so much time to that activity means there are other interests I can't attend to.
Without writing a novel (you know I can do it ), I would say that inner balance means being able to work toward personal goals and attend to interests over a reasonably short period of time. I do that by setting boundaries (for example, I don't accept every social invitation offered, I'm not OCD about the laundry), keeping the house calm (I try to keep it a sanctuary despite what goes on outside and despite the fact that I work from my home), and evaluating often what I'm doing to see if it's really keeping me on the track I want to be.