Mother and guilt

[Tenngal]

My mother was abusive as we three girls were growing up. Mostly verbal and emotional with some physical thrown in. We are now age 60, 57 and 54. Mother is 81. Over the years we have all tried to detach from her with limited success. One sister lives 3 hrs away, I live about 1 hour away and the other one 30 min. During the past month she has been having some health problems which we thought required attention. After 2 short stays in the hospital it seems she just has a sinus infection which was already being treated. The list of complaints from her is long and nothing is found during testing. One sister has taken it upon herself to check on mother and even stay with her when she asks her to. I know she is going this out of guilt and the fact she thinks she is obligated to do so. Problem is, she gets aggravated and tries to drag us all into the situation. I am able to take some time off and will be glad to drive her to Dr appts and such. I will not be staying with her. Informed sister of this. Still, I feel guilty, but not enough to change my mind. The sense of dread I feel in that house is strong and I have a hard time feeling compassion for her. Have any of you faced anything like this?

[Ultralight]

Tenngal:

Sorry you have gone through this and that you continue to.

What are the other options you considered for dealing with your mom, not just in this scenario but on the whole?

[Tenngal]

Tenngal:

Sorry you have gone through this and that you continue to.

What are the other options you considered for dealing with your mom, not just in this scenario but on the whole?

I would like to break all contact with her.

Over the past couple of years she has complained about maintenance on her house and I tried to encourage her to move into Sr. apts.

She always says "no, I am going to die in my house."

which apparently means she thinks she has 3 girls who will be her caregivers.

I know 2 who will not.

[Ultralight]

It is tough to sever all ties. It almost feels like that would be going against human nature.

But... as I noted on another thread, I had a falling out with my dad (and in a way with my mom too) and have not spoken to them in weeks. They have not attempted contact and neither have I.

This has been quite refreshing. I don't worry about their health, their hoarding, the clash of values we have, etc.

So signing someone off can be really good, whether it is temporary or forever.

But... Could you just give breaking all contact a trial run? Like for 3 months? 6 months? Something like that...?

[iris lilies]

I would like to break all contact with her.

Over the past couple of years she has complained about maintenance on her house and I tried to encourage her to move into Sr. apts.

She always says "no, I am going to die in my house."

which apparently means she thinks she has 3 girls who will be her caregivers.

I know 2 who will not.

That is a reasonable boundary for even children who get along well with their parents. Stay out of the house maintenance issues. If she want to stay in a property she does not have resources* to maintain, that is on her.

But I do realize that it isnt that simple, her property and her own health and safety are intertwined.

i thnk it is great that you are willing to take her to dr appointments. You would nt be a good caregiver for her by your own admission, and you are doing somethng important with the dr appts.


*resources=her own time, skills, strength or those of her friends and family or money to pay for it all

[Teacher Terry]

At your Mom's advanced age I would not break all contact but set boundaries like you have been doing. My relationship with my parents was great but not so much with my siblings. It got worse when my Mom was sick and we were coordinating helping her out, etc. By the time it was over I no longer have any contact with my brother and only email with my sister and occasional phone call. No more visits, etc. I know this must be a really difficult situation.

[Ultralight]

Tenngal:

What positive contributions does your mom currently make in your life?

[razz]

Regardless of history, one needs to set boundaries for one's time and effort. No one owns another ever, IMO anyway.
Any attempt at manipulation by one party to control another regardless of age or relationship should dealt with as such. You can go along with it, define and state your boundaries and uphold them repeating as necessary or withdraw.

Having said that, if you can discuss the situation with siblings it will be easier but you still need to define what works for you and examine the consequences of doing so.

I offered to set up a separate granny flat at our farm home with DH's support but my mother declined to leave her home. The maintenance was neglected, many issues evolved, one sister assisted onsite which suited her needs at the time. We visited when we could and did some limited assistance but my mother was mentally competent to make her decisions so we left her to it. That was our choice andI have no regrets.

After her passing, we found out from neighbours that she had had needs that should have been addressed but with no information, our hands were tied.

Bottom line - there is no perfect solution. Don't try for it. Do what you can live with but set your boundaries and stick to them.

[CathyA]

Tenngal........I feel your pain. I had an abusive father and a mother who looked the other way, and also would suck all the air out of the room. She was a 4 year old emotionally. As I got older, I tolerated it all less and less. I divorced my father when I was about 34 (I'm 66 now) and my mother when I was about 45 (even though we paid for a lot of her rent and utilities). I quit calling her or letting her babysit my kids. She no longer was invited to any get-togethers. I felt that I had to do this in order to free myself from her. It sounds like you're in a similar situation. Maybe I'm a bad person to ask, but I would encourage you to cut all ties......if you feel your own emotional health is constantly at risk if you keep trying to be "a good little girl". Even if it makes your sister(s) angry, I say do what you need to do. Many years of my life was spent in trying to suppress my anger and disappointment with her, and I felt an incredible freedom when I cut her loose.

I do have to add, though, that when the police called about 7 years ago and said she was found driving far from her home, weaving through traffic and confused, I had to do something with her. I had her hospitalized, then moved to a nursing home. I made sure she was taken care of, but didn't visit her very often............I'm not sure she even knew I was there or not.

I know your mother says she will never move from her home........but if it's affecting all 3 of her children, then maybe it's time to move her somewhere where the stress and demand is not all on you 3?

Just try to be kind to yourself. Why should you feel guilt, when she treated you the way she did all those years? Maybe I'm thinking your situation is too much like mine........but I honestly feel that if parents haven't been good to their children......their children shouldn't feel much responsibility for their parents later. Good luck to you, and try to stop feeling guilty!

[sweetana3]

I don't know if it is possible in your situation but I think it would be best, if possible, for the sisters to sit down and discuss as much as possible. Lay out your boundaries so they are clear and your sisters are not in the dark. Maybe the 3 of you can come up with some creative solutions or at least provide a united front.

You have the right to expect your mother to make rational decisions and to also live with the decisions she makes. We have been thru it and it is hard. Parents who should have moved closer a decade earlier would have had a much better life. (Mom has said this herself now that she has lived here for 4 years and seen how nice it could have been.) But it was a choice they made and we let them.