burn in hell

[Zoe Girl]

Well the day I was expecting came, my son in law (yes he is officially that!) was told by his grandmother that he is going to burn in hell. They are a pretty dramatic family, and religious. In a conversation he questioned something she was saying about Trump, she replied he must be hanging around liberals (yeah that would be our family) and it came up that he is not Christian. His mom and sister were there, I heard his mom just seemed shocked and his sister said as a Christian she couldn't judge his beliefs. He is close to his family, hopefully the entire family won't agree with her.

I know my daughter and SIL have just tried to not make these things an issue, they are both pretty mellow people, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. Grandmother has been providing childcare so they are looking for a new situation. I know my daughter was concerned about her doing all the childcare as grandbaby got older because of her beliefs and how vocal she is. She is vocal about boycotting Target for the bathroom issue for example, and my daughter works there and my SIL's siblings are both gay.

[Tybee]

Well the day I was expecting came, my son in law (yes he is officially that!) was told by his grandmother that he is going to burn in hell. They are a pretty dramatic family, and religious. In a conversation he questioned something she was saying about Trump, she replied he must be hanging around liberals (yeah that would be our family) and it came up that he is not Christian. His mom and sister were there, I heard his mom just seemed shocked and his sister said as a Christian she couldn't judge his beliefs. He is close to his family, hopefully the entire family won't agree with her.

I know my daughter and SIL have just tried to not make these things an issue, they are both pretty mellow people, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. Grandmother has been providing childcare so they are looking for a new situation. I know my daughter was concerned about her doing all the childcare as grandbaby got older because of her beliefs and how vocal she is. She is vocal about boycotting Target for the bathroom issue for example, and my daughter works there and my SIL's siblings are both gay.

It's so weird to me when families do this. I wonder if she is getting dementia. It sure sounds like it.
If so, it's a nightmare road for her, poor thing.
Probably best that she not provide any more childcare.
so sad.

[catherine]

I think your DD/SIL have to look at the big picture and then decide. I agree with Tybee that sometimes as people get older their internal editor rusts, and they wind up saying bizarre things. I remember one time when the family, including MIL, were all at a bar waiting for a table. MIL had had a wee Drambuie. My daughter, who was about 20 at the time, asked "Grandma, you've lived a long life. What words of advice would you give me?" And MIL's wise words? She said to my daughter, "B__, have as MUCH SEX as you can!" She had grown up in post-Victorian England, and I really think it took reading a Harlequin romance novel every week in her late seventies to point out what she might have missed out on.

Believe me, it took a conversation with my daughter to do the best I could to backpedal on that one!

I think you can teach kids that "Grandma loves you and we love her, but we don't agree with x,y,z."

If her rantings are frequent, then maybe you'd want to think about what she's telling the grandkids during the day when she watches them. But I think you have to weigh her whole personality, love for the grandkids, and ability to be a caregiver overall before making a decision based on an isolated comment.

[Zoe Girl]

I have a feeling this is NOT dementia. His mom regularly starts arguments on facebook over politics, the family has a changing table at every holiday based on which people are speaking to each other, ya know. Grandma has been saying these things her whole life I think, and there is so much drama. When I first met him it was a lot of work to teach the poor guy that our family does not work like that. It makes sense that the wedding at the courthouse was just our family and they will have a party later. I met them once, but I am nervous since I am sure I give off a super liberal vibe just naturally.

DD/SIL have been thinking about getting different childcare for some time. They also have a standing invitation to move to Florida near his dad and step mom and get free childcare that way. My DD knows that she would be miserable, and they are very conservative Christian so again she would not want grandbaby raised that way.

[Tybee]

Well,it sounds like the kids know what they want in the way of childcare. I think they can arrange it suitably, in the context of their beliefs and values, and just keep family out of the childcare business. I don't think it has to be a relationship-breaker, and I would personally ratchet down the drama around the issue, but I don't think they are in any danger of utilizing the free childcare from folks whose beliefs they find repugnant.

So it's great that you have raised kids who can figure these things out!

[razz]

I am one who believes based on experience that the mental environment is critical in childcare. Hate is poisonous no matter who is uttering it. I would find alternative options for childcare yesterday.

[Chicken lady]

My brother thinks i’m going to hell. It makes him really sad. We don’t talk about it, but I can see it in his eyes when things related to religion come up. I just keep hoping something will change his mind.

[dado potato]

It seems to me your son-in-law has a developing problem. I gather that when he is with his grandma the polarizing topics of presidential politics and "culture wars" (restrooms in Target?) come up. Then if he takes the side that grandma does not approve of, grandma scolds him.

I wonder who raises the divisive topics... and what needs are they attempting to gratify when they do? Does grandma raise the topics? If so, perhaps grandma fears the country is going to hell, and she feels she ought to say some things to her daughter's son to save him from the snares that lead to hell. Perhaps this situation would call for him to respond to grandma to express his needs in the interaction. What does he need from her? ... autonomy? ... respect? ...harmony?

He may decide that grandma has trespassed across his boundaries, and that he needs to communicate to grandma (tactfully) that he will not tolerate political or religious indoctrination. "If it's a game, don't play. If it's a hook, don't bite."

On the other hand, was it your son-in-law who raised the topic of President Trump ... or changing social attitudes about gender? Knowing that grandma is vocal about these topics, and it can be humiliating to listen to her expounding, then maybe he needs to modify the topics he brings up around grandma. Can he learn to steer familial conversations away from politics and religion?

I agree with Tybee and razz that there may be a long-term problem with childcare. It sounds like your daughter and SIL have already realized that grandma will model certain undesirable behaviors to their child(ren). I would be glad they are looking for an alternative for childcare.

[Zoe Girl]

Thanks, I realize why my DD and SIL spend a lot of holidays with us, there is just too much confusion and drama around holidays and everything. They don't even call him the same first name as everyone else does because that is the same name as someone's ex that they can't stand. I have been wondering when this would come up however, my DD has worked really hard to not bring anything up because she doesn't want to cause issues however there is a point where it matters that she and we have some deeply held values that are different.

I think it is hard enough to see sometimes in my family what they think of me (pity, worried about my mental health, and some judgement), I can't imagine being around someone who thinks I am going to hell on a regular basis. I have had it of course, and some were brave enough to tell me. Generally they were sad about it, I wish I could put their mind at ease but I really can't.

edited to reply to dado, I am very certain it was grandma who brought up the topics, they do that a lot in his family. He has never brought up any of these issues with me or my family even though we do not agree perfectly. I think some of those 'what do you need' conversations and topics are nowhere near to where this family is functioning.

[Teacher Terry]

Some families only know how to function with drama. That is very sad. Is the cost of childcare an issue because I know it is super expensive?