Lopsided relationships?

[Ultralight]

I think everything in your Universe is telling you to be more open minded, and not keep looking for a clone of yourself.

The universe is hostile to me.

And... I am only looking for an intellectual and ideological clone of myself. Physically I want someone quite different than me!

[Ultralight]

The 38yo woman who was renting the house we bought here had a PhD and teaches at the prestigious private college nearby. Her live in boyfriend was a 50yo waiter and had a recent felony conviction for domestic violence with a lengthy probation. Now that was one relationship we always wondered about as it seems it would jeopardize her moving up in the academic world.

You are so judgmental!

[Ultralight]

Let me tell you more about S and J. S loves to watch TV and loves stand-up comedy too. She is a social justice warrior to the Nth degree. Her parents are from Mexico but she was born in the US. She is a feminist and is bisexual.

J is apolitical but would support any candidate that S would support, especially one who wants to make it easier for him to become a citizen. He is very easy-going, very go-with-the-flow. J is Catholic, but not hardcore. S is atheist.

P is moderate politically. C is liberal. P loves Star Wars. C is new to Star Wars but is open to getting into it. Neither P or C is religious. Neither P nor C want to have kids. C is captain of Team No Kids and says stuff like: "I got about a half dozen IUDs up in me just to be on the safe side!"

[ApatheticNoMore]

P (the guy) and C (the gal)--
P has a PHD in chemistry (and a BS and two masters' degrees) and has a really good, high paying job working in the chemical/pharmaceutical industry. He speaks two languages fluently and is an Army veteran. He has his own very nice apartment, a really fancy car, is well-traveled, no kids, never married before, and is 38. His girlfriend C (my acquaintance) has just a high school diploma. She works as an administrative assistant at a college here in town. She makes perhaps $30k a year. She is currently enrolled in community college and is 32 years old. She has considerable debt and very bad credit.
Both P and C are of average looks.
But P and C seem to really adore each other -- they give each other little surprises, they go on real dates, they spend most of their free time together, and they are both quite happy with their physical intimacy.

is she paying her own way? And I don't think this is impossible on $30k a year in Ohio, so if she's not she probably could be (and probably should be imo). If so what is the problem? But he is more educated. Yes in a narrow field. Is there some vast chance he is going to find another partner to talk physics with if that's what he wants otherwise? NO. Unless he dated just physics grads or at least just science grads, so talking shop is probably what he would have to do with others that his life partner regardless. So again what is the problem?

Look I have a pretty big problem with actually having another person pay one's way, I think that is generally unhealthy except in unusual circumstances (and no of course I don't include government programs for those who qualify, I mean another *individual*). But all the rest is just classist elitist BS. Now I have no problem with people seeking someone more like them if that is what they actually want either (having personal preference isn't so much the classists elitist part, if someone only likes blonds or asians or whatever, narrow but shrug, it's judging what seem like other people's good relationships on stupid standards that is classist and elitist).

[mschrisgo2]

"...they adore each other..." "...emotionally fulfilled..." THAT is what matters. All the rest is just... Stuff.

But before those things can happen, people have to spend time together, get to know each other, be open minded, tolerant, giving, receiving, listening, sharing, learning.
And fall in love in the process.

I think it really is that simple, and simultaneously, that complex. It's not logical and neat, there really is no formula. There may be a deal breaker or two at the outset, but not many.

I also think, though you aren't asking here UA, that your fundamental stumbling block is depression. Might I suggest you pursue "Natural alternatives to drugs"?

[Chicken lady]

Financially, i’m a kept woman.

Based on my income - and it is currently a lifetime high - I qualify for everything the government provides.

i’m not sure what I provide to Alan that makes it more palatable to ApatheticNoMore for him to support me than for dh to do so (far more happily and in much better style)

[Ultralight]

"...they adore each other..." "...emotionally fulfilled..." THAT is what matters. All the rest is just... Stuff.

But before those things can happen, people have to spend time together, get to know each other, be open minded, tolerant, giving, receiving, listening, sharing, learning.
And fall in love in the process.

I think it really is that simple, and simultaneously, that complex. It's not logical and neat, there really is no formula. There may be a deal breaker or two at the outset, but not many.

I also think, though you aren't asking here UA, that your fundamental stumbling block is depression. Might I suggest you pursue "Natural alternatives to drugs"?

I smoked marijuana a number of times in my teen years. It turned me into a raging a-hole -- getting in fights and such. No thanks!

[ApatheticNoMore]

i’m not sure what I provide to Alan that makes it more palatable to ApatheticNoMore for him to support me than for dh to do so (far more happily and in much better style)

I think it's pretty obvious, the cost of government benefits are widespread, we all pay for them if and when we pay taxes. Expecting an single lone individual to take that on is usually an incredible burden to them in a way that taxes aren't as the cost that is spread out (I mean let's be real taxes as they actually exist, aren't that much of a burden to anyone in reality, though we might prefer and be richer if we didn't have to pay them).

Also depending on government benefits (and they aren't easy to qualify for but say one is disabled or poor or qualifies for unemployment temporarily etc.) doesn't require we entwine our life with another for financial reasons, we are still free to make our choices in life and especially our most important social and dating choices, without being twisted and corrupted by financial reasons (if we work we may experience some dependency on this or that job, but other than money we generally don't have ANY other relationship with a job).

I'm unemployed, I could consider the possibility of letting my bf (who is not rich btw) support me WHILE I LOOK FOR WORK, but I have weighed how destructive it would be for me psychologically to do so. I need to be my own woman, really I do, it is what is mentally healthy for me for sure. If I had some horrible disease and was dead broke would I let my bf or my mom (who is not rich either by which I mean she is fairly poor living much on SS) support me. Heck yes, but only until I could get on disability!

[Chicken lady]

Ah. See, I am fortunate that I am able to entwine my life with dh’s for non financial reasons (although the goal to be the stay at home mom he wanted for his kids was a big draw - back in the day when I had a job and he didn’t and I married and supported him - lol!)

and thanks to dh success in his his chosen field, I am also able to entwine my life with my job for non financial reasons.

dh chooses to support me, and Alan would prefer not to, so we all win!

[Chicken lady]

Also, I apparently have a different values system, because there have been times I found myself short on food or without housing and deliberately chose not to turn to public services because I have a family that would have helped me at a “price” I found unacceptable, and I see public services as a resource for those who have no other options. (Or “it is wrong for me to expect Alan to finance my ability to stand on my beliefs”)