Navigating Extramarital Attraction

[laurasmith]

I’m a longtime member on this board using a different user name to ask this question!

I am married with kids and recently got a new job. My direct supervisor in the new job is someone to whom I’m ridiculously attracted. In a way, I know there’s no “substance” to the attraction. He is also married with kids, and it is clear, even if we were both single, we are too different to ever be mates in any practical sense.

To make a long story short, I can’t leave the job. It was a job I was trying to get for several years which now offers me a chance at financial security and personal fulfillment that I never thought I’d attain. If I left it, there are many people who would be eager to take my place, and I could probably never come back to it.

I don’t know for a fact that the attraction is mutual (I try not to go there in my head), though we get along very well, and he comes by my desk often to chat and is very warm.

There is no imminent danger of us being alone in the office or really alone anywhere together, though occasionally, because of the nature of our work, we have lunch meetings away from the office. We keep conversations professional, and talk of our personal lives is pretty superficial. We don’t need to have these lunches more than once every six months or so.

I keep thinking the attraction will “blow over,” but it is very distracting, and I have a lot of fear of “slipping.” I have never cheated on anyone or been involved with a married person, but the whole situation just freaks me out. I am clear that I love my husband and want to be with him for the rest of my life, and I certainly don’t want to do anything that would cause pain to any of the children involved or our spouses. He talks about his family often, and I have the impression he also is very committed to his children and his wife.

I’m pretty confident I can be vigilant about keeping our conversations appropriate. I know better than to ever discuss challenges in my marriage with him or to let him discuss with me any challenges in his. I also know better than to ever discuss the attraction with him, and if he tried to do so, I know it would be important to cut that conversation off.

Nevertheless, I would love to hear experiences of others who have dealt with this problem successfully in the past.

[Tammy]

Both my husband and I have experienced this and we handle it by telling each other. As soon as there's no secret, the attraction fades to something manageable.

[iris lily]

Both my husband and I have experienced this and we handle it by telling each other. As soon as there's no secret, the attraction fades to something manageable.

I think that's a great tip.

[razz]

Interesting question! Having been married for 47 years before DH's passing, I will confess that I was attracted to another twice in that time. The first time I was surprised/upset/dismayed and not sure what to do.
I took a long walk and reviewed all the wonderful virtues in my DH, reasons for chastity to the marriage and came back at peace. The life got very busy and more interesting. The second time, I was much better prepared. DH and I had met all our lifetime goals which was part of the problem. I need challenges and stimulation from them and so chose to immerse myself in a challenge that demanded all my energy and attention which triggered widespread respect and support from many people.

Soooo, IMHO, first, you need to find something that both you and your DH can enjoy together to start. What did you both love to do when you were first going out together?
Second, you need to find something that is stimulating for you to do to grow and progress as a human being. Have you looked at the book, The Artists' Way?

What I am saying is that it has nothing to do with the other fellow but what is going on in your mind and you are in charge of what you think. You are needing to be valued, cherished and excited to be alive. Some try to do this with extramarital affairs which does not address the problem but creates more and diminishes your own sense of worth as well.
Your DH may well be feeling a little unvalued also and not sure of what is triggering that sense. Try little steps to trigger discussions about your joint future and endeavours but don't focus just on the financial which men quite often will do. It will take some time to work through this but the results are so worth it.
I do believe that a good marriage has a lot more telepathy of feelings and emotions triggers that we give credit

[catherine]

I experienced this myself, when DH wasn't exactly being the model husband and father (and I'll leave it at that). The reason I set this post up that way was because part of me was feeling very flattered at being pursued by someone I admired, and the other part of the temptation was almost a "revenge" impulse, which I felt almost entitled to under the circumstances. This particular person was the opposite of DH, and I think that's part of what attracted me to him. I had four small children at the time, by the way.

While we never did anything at all, except "feel" the attraction for each other, he did things he didn't have to do like invite me up to his place of business to do a seminar. Like you, we never broached anything that might have had us treading dangerous waters.

I made a conscious decision to push those feeling aside because I knew darn well that I was not interested in living a lie. The desire to give into my feelings of need and vulnerability were far less intense than my fear of having to indulge in behavior that would have been stressful ALL the time.

He was in a group that I was also involved in which met once a week (that's how we met), and basically I all I needed to do was to commit to the "no." It all just dissipated after that.

I admire Tammy's relationship.. I could NEVER admit to those feelings with my DH because he's a very easily-threatened, jealous person. He's jealous of males I "Like" on Facebook. There is NO WAY I would ever go there with him.

Good luck, and I think you are doing just the right thing in examining carefully your feelings and not letting your emotions rule your life.

[Gardenarian]

I was very attracted to a co-worker for a while. I didn't talk to my husband about it, but did mention to a friend.

It was really helpful to have someone to confide in, and I think talking about it with her, and bringing it down to the level of "it's just a crush" did take away some of the attraction, which died a natural death.

I afterwards talked to my dh about it, and we both agreed that these things are normal and we'll talk about them - if/when it comes up again.

People live a long time these days - I think it would be strange to live a 50 year marriage and never feel sexual attraction to someone else!

[new2oregon]

I think you are heading into trouble. All it would take is one day that you are not feeling good about yourself for things to get out of hand. Boss and employee relations are nothing but trouble. If you Love your husband be careful, How would you feel if he was attracted to a female boss? If your boss is playing a game he is not going to give up.

[creaker]

I don't understand how one could not find some people attractive - but I also don't understand being so much so you would be forced to act on it even after deciding against it.

[herbgeek]

I've had a few work crushes over the years, and they stayed as crushes in my head. I made a conscious decision that I would never act on it, and never mentioned any feelings with the crushee, and kept it all professional. Even if I'm not going to eat at the restaurant, I can still browse the menu. :~) They do subside over time.

[pinkytoe]

I certainly don’t want to do anything that would cause pain to any of the children involved or our spouses.
When I was little, my father carried on a very long affair with a married co-worker (he was a doctor, she a nurse). She actually moved to all the places we moved to maintain the relationship. Eventually, my mother gave up caring and my father left to marry the other woman. Once the naughty side of the equation was legit, he lost interest in her and they grew to hate each other. Their actions destroyed a family, a marriage and his own life as he eventually died of sadness over the results of his choices. I completely understand the physical attraction part but the consequences just aren't worth it if indeed you are good with your present situation especially if children are involved. I think for the most part, extramarital affairs are about our own egos needing some strokes.

[rodeosweetheart]

Lots of wisdom here! I would ask myself, "Would I leave my husband and end my marriage now?" If the answer was no, then I would stop letting my mind "go there."
I have had the experience you describe--not coworkers, but hockey dads when my son played hockey, of all things (I am a pretty good ice skater, lol) and it was definitely a sign that much was amiss in my marriage, which fell apart about six years later.

I am remarried now, and I know the horrible pain that divorce causes, and I tell myself, if I am ever attracted to someone, not to go there, because I don;t ever want to go through that pain again. So I would ask myself, if this fellow weren't around right now, would I end my marriage? If not, then work on the marriage, because i do think that when we are having that happen a lot, there might be something missing--like a bad patch in the marriage.

Do you feel appreciated by your husband? That was part of my problem, I think.

[laurasmith]

Thanks everybody.

I do think it's an ego/insecurity thing with me. I've been feeling really inadequate in this job for months and, after beating out a lot of people for it, I made a few visible mistakes early on, which was embarassing, and this guy really was supportive through it. It's much easier to make myself feel better about the job I've been doing by focusing on an infatuation than taking a hard look at myself and working on improving my performance. But I know doing the latter is the only way I'm ever going to grow into a mature human being.

Tammy, I, too, admire your and your husband's way of handling this. My husband is pretty jealous, and I don't think it would help him for me to tell him. And, frankly, if he told me he was attracted to someone at work, it would probably make me a little crazy too. So that's not really an option.

Pinkytoe, thanks for sharing your family's tragic experience. I do know doing anything would be nothing less than an unmitigated disaster. But I will definitely keep your experience in mind. I'm really sorry your family had to suffer through that.

More than worrying about doing anything, it's been hard to just deal with the amount of mental space this has taken up in my head. But lhamo you make a good point that the guilt and pain of having done something would be far worse than the mental energy involved in preventing anything.

I'm especially thankful for the stories of those of you in long marriages who have successfully weathered storms like this in the past. My dad has never been faithful to either of his two wives, so I really needed to hear from people who knew how to work through a situation like this constructively. It gives me some faith I can do it.

I was "committed to the no" before, but all of your words help me believe I can really do it. I don't want to get too complacent about it, but I feel like I have the tools I need to handle it. Thank you again.

[JaneV2.0]

Or maybe it's a "love that will not be denied." Time will tell...

[laurasmith]

Or maybe it's a "love that will not be denied." Time will tell...


Actually, if one thing is clear to me, it is that these feelings are not love but attraction.

I feel love for and from my husband even, perhaps especially, during our rough patches. I have no understanding of "love" existing between two people who don't know each other at all. I'm much more a believer in the love I give and receive from someone who has had the opportunity to get to know me, warts and all.

[iris lily]

... I don't want to get too complacent about it, but I feel like I have the tools I need to handle it. Thank you again.
That's important. Don't underestimate the power of these attractions and don't overestimate your ability to resist. Good intentions don't always win out.

I've been in a couple of these situations and in one of them was blindsided by the sheer power of that attraction, only some of which was the power of The Forbidden. For practical advice to you, practice imagining what happens if he "reveals" his attraction, visualize that situation and practice your response. In other words, flex your "no" muscle, exercise it in advance. And of course stay OUT of situations where you two are alone, or where you are in a group while the two of you are building a secretive coalition of two.

When I was single I had a married boss who was attractive 'though not in a conventional way. While we did some flirting that I never for a moment felt was "innocent" I also knew that I was one of several, or at least there was another more important "other woman" who he did eventually marry. They are still married, 20+ years later. That is cool, I actually liked her a lot, she is beautiful and smart.

I've kidded DH for years about all of his "girlfriends" here in our neighborhood (and frankly, he's got a "boyfriend" or two as well--they are as dependent on DH as the girls are) for whom he does work but also does favors as friends. DH is a little too much into one of our close friends, and while I kid him about it, I also have cautioned him to tone it down in social settings since our own kidding is one thing, but it could make her uncomfortable, not to mention that he's got no idea what her husband has to say about it. I can't imagine that would be good. I don't expect him to be without attractions, I expect him to behave appropriately (as does he) so if I give him friendly guidance when he moves a tad too much in the wrong direction, that's kinda my job as wife.

Anyway, good luck with this. It's a normal part of married adult life.

[laurasmith]

Those are great, practical suggestions, Iris Lily. Thanks.

[laurasmith]

It's a normal part of married adult life.

And I appreciate knowing this! As a child of divorce, I really needed to hear from those of you who have had relatively healthy marriages.

[larknm]

I agree with building up your own marriage. I did this by moving away and making more interesting things happen by going whole hog with DH's and my own lifelong interests (flowers, dogs, mountains, hiking, natural beauty) that he could pour his love into.

[pinkytoe]

I did this by moving away and making more interesting things happen by going whole hog with DH's and my own lifelong interests (flowers, dogs, mountains, hiking, natural beauty) that he could pour his love into.
I would love to know some details on how you accomplished that. It might improve a whole lot of marriages that have become "stale".

[Spartana]

Attractions happen - it is a part of life whether you are married or single. I have worked almost exclusively with males and been in unique situations where I was in the Armed forces (coast guard) and out at sea for months at a time with a mostly male crew and of feeling attraction for male co-workers on occasion. This happened when I was single as well as when I was married. What I did was just tell myself that while it's natural to feel attraction to a hunky co-worker - especially when you work, live, eat, sleep (separately of course :-)!) and hang out with them 24/7 for months on end and neither of you see your spouses or loved ones during that time - however I had made the conscious decision to never act on those attractions, and to not put myself in a situation where we could succumb to temptation - ever. I also thought of what the damage would do to not only my (or his) marriage, but to my job and reputation (and in your case your children). Eventually that attracted would wane - and usually by a lot - over time and he became just another shipmate or co-worker. So hang tough, don't act on it or put yourself in a situation where you are alone with him, or aren't always in control of you emotions (drinks after work for instance) and the attraction you feel will likely fade. In time you'll probably wonder what you ever saw in him.

PS - We are divorced now (having nothing to do with affairs or attractions for others) but we were together for 20 years - married 17 - and much of it in that kind of unconventional type of lifestyle where we spent a lot of time (sometimes 9 months or more) apart. We managed to weather that, and weather our various attractions (I assumed he mush have had some also although we never talked about it) and they all ended up being nothing more then harmless "crushes" that faded to nothing in fairly short order. No reason to ruin your life, the life of your spouse and children, for what is probably just a short term crush

[Kestra]

I'm glad you brought this up. It's something that you can't really talk about IRL. I had a similar situation last spring. I had a new co-worker (that I had to train since I'm the only trainer in the department) and we just clicked. I'd never met someone so similar to me. Our sympatico was all too obvious, at least to me, though my supervisor commented on it almost immediately. One of the problems is that if this was a girl or a gay man we could've been good friends. But because he's a straight man, it's too risky. My thoughts were out of control. Unfortunately this happened around the same time as this weird seasonal depression episode I seem to get most springs, and the whole thing resulted in a marital crisis of sorts. I told my husband some of the details, even though everything was always just in my head. (My co-worker was friendly to me, but not obviously flirtatious, and knew I was married. I still don't know exactly what he thinks of me but I'd consider us work friends.) My husband and I almost separated, but didn't go through with it and my depression went away as it always does. I cut myself off from the co-worker as much as I could. Kept everything as work related as possible. Tried not to "go there" in my head. Which is much easier said than done.
But over time the attraction has faded. We still work together, and talk occasionally, but at least from my side it feels more like my other work friendships with women.

This thread is really beneficial to see that there are others out there that faced the same challenges. At the time I felt like I needed to tell someone, but it seemed such a horrible, shameful thing, and I couldn't talk about it. And I didn't want it to be something that lingered because other people knew about it. On my own I thought it would be easier to get past.

I agree there is definitely an ego thing involved. I'm not used to guys liking me at all. I was completely blindsided by the fact that I could like someone (in my crushing mind) as much as I liked my husband, and have it reciprocated at least in a friend-like way. That had never happened to me before, even with my husband. I think if I'd dated more, especially more guys who weren't so horribly unsuitable for me, I'd have been better able to deal with the situation.